The Magic Christian Page #2

Is being severely threatened...

By the encroachment

of the small...

Or mini-car image.

We are rapidly becoming

a tiny-car nation.

- [men murmuring agreement]

- so does it not follow then...

That a nation of tiny cars...

Could very soon become

a nation of tiny persons?

So, patently then,

It is in the highest

national interest...

That we... Counter...

This tiny car image...

By introducing an automobile...

That will hold its

own size-wise...

Against the American big boys,

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Yet with no sacrifice...

To traditional standards

of taste and function.

And so, gentlemen,

may I submit to you...

With much pleasure and pride...

The new great British Zeus.

[fanfare]

It's still pretty much on the dra-

wing board, as we say, gentlemen.

But let's run it up the flagpole

and see who salutes it.

[narrator] The British Zeus!

[thunderclap]

[tires screeching]

Designed for the man in the

know, the man on the go.

And wherever he goes,

He can accommodate a bevy of per-

sonal friends and acquaintances.

Let's think salesmanship

and slogan.

Winthrop? - Yes. Um, what about,

"There's power to spare...

Under this big baby's

40-foot hood"?

What about it?

Performance.

Me, sir.

Hampton.

Um, "You're sure

to enjoy the big...

Gang's-all-here backseat."

Hampton, try that again

with an American accent.

That was an American accent, sir.

Good lord.

What's going on over there?

[horn honks]

Maltravers.

Uh, getting the feel

of this big baby,

- Mm.

- Has been one...

Grand thrill,

believe you me.

Hmm.

[film stops]

Hmm.

Best sleep on it, eh?

Never one to overextend.

Gentlemen, as you know,

[sniffles]

The family tree over a certain...

Grand guy--

Guy Grand--

Has borne no fruit.

[men murmuring agreement]

The stoutiest efforts

by my sisters and I,

Quite independently, of course,

Has not yielded grand progeny.

By good luck however,

One, perhaps two soiree ago,

I chanced upon a likely lad.

[men murmuring]

And, gentlemen,

May I tell you it was your

proverbial love at first sight.

Paternal, of course.

So, gentlemen,

It is with great pride

and pleasure...

That I introduce you now...

To my only son and "proge,"

Master Youngman Grand, esq.

Hello.

for he's a jolly

grand fellow

for he's a jolly

grand fellow

for he's a jolly

grand fellow

and so say all of us

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You're damned good lads, the lot of you.

- You too, Guy.

- Yes, thank you.

And you're thinking men as well,

If memory serves.

Unfortunately, that fact

is not always reflected...

In our, uh, quarterly reports.

Anyway, gentlemen,

may I take a page...

From our own late, great

Rudy the Kip Kipling?

Let our Kipling speak.

"There was a young lady

from Exeter...

"and all the young men...

"threw their sex at her.

"Just to be rude,

she lay in the nude...

"while her parrot, the pervert,

Took pecks at her."

[brakes screeching]

Gentlemen, my man Jeff

has your envelopes.

Please do not open them

until you are outside.

Inside you will find a month's

generous remuneration,

A map containing a clue as

to your present whereabouts,

And a set of day-glo references...

To present to your

next lucky employer.

Leave your flowers and your pencils

on the table as you go, would you?

Lord Hampton?

Lord Hampton?

[men chattering indistinctly]

Lord Hampton?

Milk or lemon, Esther?

Both, please.

Hello, dears.

Ah, there you are, Guy.

Oh, angel's passing.

Guy, Guy, always on the go.

We're just having tea, darling.

You will join us?

Now you will take tea, Youngman?

This is bloody North America.

What's yours? I don't know.

I've been fired before,

but never in Afghanistan.

Scone, Guy?

I-I-I think not, darling.

Hello, family Grand!

[Agnes] Just in time for tea.

I say, my good man.

All right, mate.

One at a time. One at a time.

Ginger, how are you?

I think I rather fancy a hot dog.

Bitsy, say hello to Guy.

Say hello to everyone.

Hello, Agnes. Hello, Esther.

Say hello.

Ginger, this is Guy's new son,

Youngman Grand. - Oh.

- Pleased to meet you.

- This is my little Bitsy.

- Hello, Bitsy.

- What do you want, Guy?

Hot frankfurter, dear.

Guy, we don't have any.

There is in fact a friendly

hot dog vendor...

Who solicits from

this very platform.

Look, lass, do you

want it or don't you?

I don't know.

Go ask the station master.

What can this be?

"Silky.

Through the use of infant head oils--"

that's one of our new acquisitions.

Silky. As it says here, it is uncondi-

tionally guaranteed to make your hair...

Softer than that of your

own darling child.

It's remarkable stuff. Why don't

you try some? Yes, I will.

Try it, Ginger. Try it.

Thank you.

Righto, mate.

Now what do you want?

I'd like a hot doggy,

please, my good man.

Oh, you'd like hot doggy, would you?

Yeah. Right.

One hot doggy you shall "havey."

- Ah, my second world war nazi atrocity

book came at last. - [Agnes] Good heavens.

Do you know what Bitsy and I do?

We sit down and imagine all those atro-

cities being done to the sex criminals.

Yes, sex criminals and the like.

And that dr. Thorndike.

What's that, ginge?

Bill Thorndike, a sexy criminal?

The man you sent me to,

he behaved very strangely.

I say, hot doggy.

Do you want some onions?

Are you calling me?

Do you want some onions?

Oh, I love onions.

Absolutely love them.

- Do you want some H.P. or mustard?

- Uh, neither. Thank you.

That'll be nine pence.

Nine pence?

Nine pence.

Ah.

Now don't you go away, vendor.

I shall be back with nine

English pence. - Hey! Hey!

Before he said another word and

while my head was still leaning back,

He dropped a raw egg into my mouth.

Come on. Get a move on.

There we are, lad.

What's this, a fiver?

I can't change a bleedin' fiver!

Are you quite sure this was an egg?

Come on then. The train's on the

move. I can't change this fiver.

- Come on. I ain't got all day.

- I say, no tricks now.

This train's on the move. I want

my change. I can't change a fiver.

And then do you know what he did?

No. What?

He got a huge slab

of wet, greasy bacon...

And wrapped it 'round my head.

[screaming]

- Here, you better have this.

- What's this? A bloody tenner!

I can't change a bloody tenner!

Well, you better have this doggy back.

I'm not having that back.

You've been noshing it.

- Hold on. Son. Case.

- Dad? Case.

- [laughing]

- quickly.

- I think we're onto something here.

- [shouting indistinctly]

[screaming]

[crash]

You're certainly putting

everybody on today, dad.

Well, you know, Youngman, sometimes

it's not enough merely to teach.

One has to punish as well.

A little bit of the old pause.

Cause for pause.

Yes. I say,

Mark that person

of irritable mien.

He's made a million out of

man's inhumanity to man.

Salt of the earth.

Yes, salt of the earth.

Perhaps together we can restore

his faith in the mystery of life.

For god's sake, close the door.

There's a bloody draft.

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