The Magic Christian Page #3

[screaming]

A big hand

for our special guest!

[rock, indistinct]

[ends]

Guard! Guard.

Yes, sir? There's something

bloody weird going on in here.

I've been driving

on this line for 40 years--

Very interesting.

Your papers, please!

[muttering indistinctly]

a few questions, please!

Please! Please!

[woman over P.A.]

Auchengillan. Auchengillan.

Auchengillan. Auchengillan.

[announcement continues

indistinctly]

This is Auchengillan.

[screaming] Come on.

Out you come.

Is that Ginger?

What happened to her hair?

She's tried the silky.

It's the price of vanity.

These are strange times

we live in, son. Yes.

Each of us does our best.

Who can say more?

But, Guy.

Yes, dear.

Youngman might want to get married.

I was wondering if we could help. Sure-

ly there must be something we could do.

I don't see any reason why you shoul-

dn't. Henry! Grand to see you, Guy.

Agnes. Esther.

Henry.

This the boy?

This is the boy.

Youngman, prince Renskeer.

Hello, prince.

Hello, Youngman. Come for the shoot?

Yes. Well, come on.

Let's tend to the baggage.

Right, right, right. Careful. These

country roads can be dangerous.

[siren wailing]

[Youngman] Oh, here come the fuzz.

What on earth do they want?

Could be routine or...

Mere damnable harassment.

Sir Guy.

Hello, corporal.

I'm sorry to detain you, sir Guy,

but H.Q. Said it might be important.

Oh, well. Let's see, shall we?

Yeah, I say. Thank you very much,

corporal. Thank you very much.

[clears throat]

Yes, corporal?

Any answer, sir Guy?

Uh, there we are, corporal.

And good night.

Good night, sir Guy.

Fine clean kill.

Damn fine morning for a shooting.

Bloody fine. [Youngman]

It's a good clean kill, eh, dad?

Damned keen, Guy, isn't he?

Bloody keen. Damn fine chap too.

[man] He's bloody keen too.

Not like that palfrey.

I invite him to one of my

shoots and he shot a runner.

- No!

- Yes. Saw it with me own eyes.

Poor little thing

was trying to escape.

Chaps these days have no sense

of bloody sportsmanship.

- Damn them fellas!

- The old values are crumblin'.

Old value? What on earth is

that gun you've got there?

This is a 24 over and under.

It's a sporty little item, but,

uh, personally I prefer a 12-bore.

I don't mind missing

one or two pheasants,

Provided I can occasionally

get a quick kill.

Aye, quick kill, that's

the name of the game.

Dispatch the little

buggers quickly, eh? Yes.

Look! The dogs are on point, Guy.

Yes, so they are, Lionel.

So they are.

Still in all, I don't fancy

relying entirely on dogs, do you?

Hey, what--

Hit the deck!

Now for a good clean kill.

Blast! Missed.

Over to you, red leader one.

[Lionel] For god sakes,

Guy, what's going on?

In god's name, stop it!

Yes. Good shooting,

red leader one.

A direct hit.

[Lionel]

good god!

[Guy] Nothing like a good,

clean kill, eh, Henry?

Your bird, sir Guy.

It is the bestest shooting I've

seen in 30 years of service.

[shouting indistinctly]

Oh, bloody hell!

[church bells tolling]

[Guy] Well, this is your

new home, Youngman.

[Agnes] Isn't it marvelous?

[Esther] It's perfectly lovely.

Good morning.

[Youngman] Good morning.

It's really fantastic.

I can't believe it. That big

clock, is that yours as well?

Oh, I'm gonna have

a good time here.

I can kind of feel

it in me bones.

[indistinct chattering]

The staff are assembled.

Are these all ours?

welcome, welcome

Youngman Grand

to the finest family

in the land

a name that will

forever stand

Grand, Grand

Grand

They've been practicin'.

Marvelous. Come along.

Oh, excellent, excellent.

Excellent. This is saul.

Welcome.

And his fiancee Claymont.

And over here we have

mrs. Heatherington.

Angela.

Martha. Mary.

Anaizby, sir.

Anaizby.

Withers.

Withers. Fran. Beverly.

- And if memory serves--

- Norris, sir.

Norris, the head gardener.

Hello, Norris.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I intro-

duce you to my new son Youngman.

[harp, recorder]

Dad?

Hmm?

Do you think words corrupt?

I don't know.

But let's try.

Agnes?

Yes?

- Nipple.

- Shh.

Well, there's no immediate

physical change.

I don't really think words corrupt.

No?

But they keep prosecuting these people

for selling pornographic books.

Hmm.

Why don't we write...

A dirty, filthy pornographic book...

[glasses beeping]

And then print it leaving blanks

where the dirty words were? Yes.

And then people could write

what they wanted themselves.

It'd be much more exciting.

Yes, and much more creative.

[Youngman] How about this?

Pounding with desire,

lord Peter ripped open her--

[toots] revealing her--

And leaned forward and-- her.

Brilliant, Youngman, but why

leave it at pornography?

What about the bible?

The bible?

Yes, the bible. Ladies and gentle-

men, presenting the good book.

can you make it better

Groove with your

space commander, dad.

[tv beeps]

This is Michael Barrett reporting

from the famous cruft's dog show...

And here's mr. Umbongo

just after the incident.

A new breed of dog--

if in fact it was a dog--

Made a spectacularly unfortunate debut

at the show when it opened here today.

The enduring question was the

so-called Congo black dog known as,

Or registered anyway,

as "Big Fang."

And it's a curious

catlike creature.

Today covered in a poodle-type

coat which almost obscured its face.

When its owner, mr. Umbongo from Masawa

in West Africa took it into the arena,

The beast went absolutely berserk.

It ferociously attacked

the other entries.

There was devastation. There was

havoc, near panic in the galleries.

And it's reported that

the dog was actually eating...

An unspecified number

of its fellow entries.

This is Michael Barrett

returning you to the studio.

Oh, so dreadful, Guy!

Switch it over.

That's better.

I can't imagine how a thing like

that could happen at Cruft's.

A direct hit on st. Pete's, dad.

Good, good.

Good, Youngman, good. Cook can't

do anything with the grouse, Guy.

She says they're burnt

to a cinder.

Incompetence in the kitchen,

eh, sister?

Guy? Guy?

Cook said they were like that when she

opened the game bag. Carry on, Youngman.

All ashes and bones.

Ashes and bones in the game bag?

Ho-ho. I don't like the sound of that.

- Eh, Youngman?

- Me neither, dad.

There. - Guy, we simply must

eat because I'm starving.

Now come along.

What? What?

- I'm starving.

- The whole world's starving.

Well, look here, sister.

Let me say if-- if cook...

Has in fact spoiled

our table bird,

Why don't we all go down

to chez eduard.

Where, if memory serves,

An honest working man can still

get a good Lancashire hot pot.

Chez Eduard's such fun.

That's a splendid idea.

Can't we settle our

differences amicably?

No, son. No. Not while

there's a cathedral standing.

Yoo-hoo.

Good evening, sir Guy.

Good evening, sir Guy.

Everything is arranged for you.

Good, good.

Sir Guy, you do me a great honor.

Eduard.

Nonsense, nonsense.

I've been imposing myself for one of your

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