The Magic Christian Page #4

gastronomic experiences for some time.

- Waiter. - Everything

is prepared as you ordered.

Good, good. Then I suggest

we waste no more time.

Guy, aren't you dining with us?

No, dear Agnes, no. When

the gourmet mood is on me,

My needs must dine alone.

You remember Charles, sir Guy?

Charles, Charles.

[speaks French]

The Aden offensive, was it not?

Give us one of the old ones,

Charles. I love the old ones.

May I suggest the pour commencer,

c'est ce pas caviar?

The caviar, yes.

Beluga, of course.

Certainmente.

Beluga.

[speaking Fench]

It's very interesting, Eduard.

But tonight I fancy...

Putting your canard a l'orange

to the test. [grunts]

You have heard.

It is the canard a l'orange.

[French]

Uh, sommelier, yes.

Yes, that'll do very nicely.

Sir Guy Grand.

Last of the great gourmets.

Do you approve of

the wine, sir Guy?

The cork is '47.

Is the wine aussi, sir Guy?

A rare combination.

[gargling]

This plucky little Burgundy has got

my juices a flowing. - Merci, sir Guy.

[both speaking French]

Extraordinaire.

[French]

With ministry of transport,

sixty pence.

Oh, another first for England.

[shouts] That's better.

[French]

God almighty, what's going on here?

Waiter! [customers shouting]

You know, Eduard,

The odd thing about caviar...

Is that one never

gets enough toast.

Toast, sir Guy?

No, thank you. I never touch it.

[French]

Mm-hmm.

The chopped egg.

Where a fish is a sturgeon,

This can only come from a virgin.

Mmm!

[French]

Yes, it is '47.

Excellent.

Yes, thank you.

This is the canard.

Yes, I love it.

Yes, I must speak with the chef.

I must speak with the chef.

[French]

Mon compliments a chef!

Mon compliments a chef!

That's the last we shall

see of him tonight.

[French]

[man over P.A.] Gentlemen,

a big hand for a good loser.

[crowd jeering]

But, Guy, I thought you said

it was to be a soiree musicale.

Hold it, tiger.

Big smile.

It's the championship, aunt Agnes.

Ike Jones and Joe Thompson.

[trumpets]

Challenger Joe Thompson has just clim-

bed into the ring looking very fit.

Very fit indeed. And getting

a warm round of applause...

From this fine sporting

crowd here tonight.

All of them asking themselves

the same question:

Can the challenger

deliver his punch?

You know he's got it,

but can he deliver it?

Will he stay conscious

long enough to deliver it?

Good evening, milady.

Hello.

[muttering]

Ah, jeff, last of

the old bulldog breed, eh?

And here he comes now, the heavyweight

champion of the world, Ike Jones.

[crowd cheering]

Just listen to the reception he's

getting. Just listen to this crowd.

Let's have a look at the record

of these two rugged customers.

I have reason to believe this

may be an exceptional bout. Yes.

Jones may be strong, granted.

But in my opinion,

Joe Thompson could easily be

that much too nimble for him.

Eh, jeff?

Certainly, sir.

Well, both these men

mount the ring...

With very impressive

records behind them.

The champion has been unbeaten

in a total of 78 bouts.

He's never been knocked out.

In fact, he's never even

been knocked off his feet.

But he has had to take plenty

of punishment from time to time.

Ike Jones is certainly not hi-

ding behind the door, as they say,

When fighting heart and

guts was being handed out.

My lords, ladies

and gentlemen,

This is the main event...

Of the evening.

Fifteen rounds of boxing...

For the heavyweight

championship...

Of the world...

Between and

presenting to you...

In this corner

from Battersea, London,

The British and British

Empire champion,

John Thompson.

[crowd cheering]

And with pleasure, for the

first time in Great Britain,

From Detroit, United

States of America,

The heavyweight champion

of the world,

Ike Jones!

[crowd cheering]

Fighters move to the

center of the ring.

They are getting final

instructions from the referee.

Both fighters looking

confident and relaxed.

And the crowd here at this arena

settles back for what promises to be...

A very hard and lively scrap...

Between these two giants.

Now they've returned to their

corners and we wait for the bell.

Hit him straight in the eye.

- [muttering]

- [muttering]

- [bell dings]

- [crowd cheering]

Our first round of this brutal

match for the heavyweight crown.

Both boys circling each other now

carefully. Each measuring his man.

Showing due respect for the lethal

power in the gloves of the opponent.

[cheering ceases]

You're too much.

Come on then.

[crowd gasps]

[referee]

One, two,

Guy, those men are absurd.

I thought they were just good friends.

[crowd jeering]

[announcer]

The crowd seem to be sickened...

By the sight of no blood.

[Guy] There they are, son.

The dark blues.

The Oxford crew. Stout hearts, the lot.

Where are they going, dad?

[Guy] Nowhere in particular.

Back and forth.

Back and forth. Working out.

Honing the edge, if

one may dare to coin.

They're practicing for the big

race with the Cambridge eight.

That'll be our man, son.

We'll be wanting a word with him.

if you want it here it is

come and get it

make your mind up fast

if you want it

anytime I can give it

but you better hurry

'cause it may not last

[chattering indistinctly]

did I hear you say

that there must be a catch

will you walk away

from a fool and his money

Step inside.

Well, that much is done.

Done and double done.

Bit surprised he went

for it, actually.

I mean, the race being such a

traditional thing and all that.

Well, son, as you proceed

along the great road of life,

Sometimes referred to as the "yellow

brick road," you'll find that the--

Aha.

[blowing nose]

I say, what's

all this about?

What do you make of this, son?

What do you think this is?

Looks like an advert?

"what's it all about?"

Yes.

This car is parked in a loading zone.

And it's lucky for you it wasn't

towed away for that matter.

What is this thing?

What is it?

Now that-- that happens

to be a parking ticket...

That I've issued to you

for the violation.

But my son thought it was

an advert, didn't you?

What?

I thought it was an advert.

Yes, I can't see the

point of it myself.

I really can't see

the point at all.

The point is that

you are in violation.

You violated the traffic rule...

[horn honks] [cab driver]

Get out of it!

By parking your car

in a loading zone.

That's what it's all about.

What do you mean loading zone?

There's no loading

going on around here.

What do you think these sods are doing

with them pressurized ferkins then?

Tell me that then.

Pressurized ferkins.

Ferkins.

You know, not many years ago,

I can recall the day...

When you could buy a decent pressu-

rized ferkin for a couple of pounds.

[officer] Let go, sir.

The whole thing is these sods

aren't loading pressurized ferkins.

They're unloading.

Constable, there's the rub.

There's no difference.

There's no difference at all.

And don't call me constable.

It's warden.

Not sergeant, warden.

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