The Magic Christian Page #5

Well, then, are you trying

to tell me, sergeant Warden,

Is there's no difference between

loading and unloading?

What's he doin'?

He looks like a bleedin' nutcase to me.

Why don't you get

your bleedin' hair cut?

"Number seven:

The silent scream.

"Open your mouth and eyes

as wide as you can...

"stretching the muscles against the skin

and bones that hold the face together.

Try to tear

your face apart."

What's your game then?

Uh, grand is the name.

And, uh, money is the game.

Would you care to play?

"Make it as tiny as you can.

Try and make your

face disappear."

What's that you said then? Can you

see this facsimile of her majesty?

God bless her. Just a minute.

What was that you said before?

Oh, my suggestion is...

That if you're prepared

to eat that parking ticket,

I will give you 500 sterling

for eating it.

What do you mean by that?

What do you mean, me eat that-that?

It's quite simple. Just put the tic-

ket, my good fellow, into your mouth,

Chew it up and you swallow it,

and I give you this 500.

- Just a bloody minute.

- "Number 12:

"When sitting in a car place

your hands on the outside...

"of the steering wheel and push

it with all your strength.

Combine with the exercise

silent scream and tiny face."

[Guy] Silent scream.

Tiny face.

Yes, now listen.

Here--

Are you--

are you telling me...

That you're--

you're willing to give me 500 quid...

Yes, to eat that ticket.

To-- to eat that ticket?

It's what you might call a

limited offer. - A limited offer.

Expiring in, shall we say,

I don't know, ten seconds?

Uh, give me that!

Shall we say ten?

Yes.

Start the countdown.

You can go as quick as you like.

- Nine--

- eight--

[together]

seven, six,

Five,

Four,

Three--

- You needn't eat the plastic.

- It's all right. It's all right.

I just wanted to see

if you had your price.

Most of us do.

Good luck, sir.

I'm here-- I'm here every Thursday.

[groans]

Let that be a lesson to you!

[radio, indistinct]

What's the nature of it, son?

Something you can

share with your dad?

"For the gracious few, a new

concept in ocean cruising.

"The Magic Christian.

"Fully air-conditioned and

controlled-environment ship...

"will depart tower bridge easter Sun-

day on its maiden voyage to New York.

Applications for passengers

are now being considered."

"Those denied passage

on the Christian...

"need not take offense.

Remember, our criteria

may not be yours."

[Youngman]

I hope it keeps fine for them.

What do you think they mean by

"Our criteria may not be yours"?

It's to avoid offending people

who may not be quite top drawer.

Oh, I see.

How thoughtful.

Well, I know Deborah and

Simon applied this morning.

I hope they won't be

too disappointed if, uh--

Well, not exactly

who's who, are they?

Excuse me. Do you mean

Deborah and Simon Devanger?

Yes.

Ah, yes, terribly sweet.

Frightfully nice people,

but hardly Burke's.

Hardly.

I do think, that in my opinion the

maiden voyage of The Magic Christian...

Could easily become the social must of

the season. [all murmuring agreement]

[man over P.A.] Ladies and gentlemen,

the auction is about to start.

Shall we go in?

I've got a little work to do.

I'll see you later.

I'll see you inside.

All right.

if you want it

here it is

come and get it

but you better hurry

'cause it's going fast

you better hurry

'cause it's going

fast

a fool and his money

sonny, if you want it

here it is

come and get it

but you better hurry

'cause it's going fast

you better hurry

'cause it's going fast

you better hurry

'cause it's going

fast

Excuse me.

This is, uh, rembrandt,

is it not?

Well, it may be.

It's not been authenticated.

It's certainly

school of rembrandt.

Hmm.

It's most

frightfully dark.

One can hardly make it

out at all.

Well, he was a master of

light and shade, wasn't he?

And it is a little old.

Uh, excuse me, mister, uh--

Dougdale.

Dougdale.

Might I ask... The price of

this example of light and shade?

It's being sold by auction,

But we expect to get

about, uh, 10,000.

I'd be prepared to give you...

Fifteen.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, 15,000?

Yes.

See, well, I must assure you I've been

given instructions not to accept any--

In that case, my final

offer would be 30.

Th-thirty thousand pounds?

Yes.

Sh*t.

I do-- I really do

beg your pardon.

Sir, it's a deal.

Yes, good, good.

I, uh-- I like school of Rembrandt.

Saint Rembrandt's high.

Yes, I enjoy all

the French painters.

Uh, well, Rembrandt was, uh,

in a sense, Dutch.

- Although, he was much influenced

by the, uh-- - Dutch?

The Dutch. Rembrandt.

I don't like the,

uh, Dutch painters.

The only thing the

Dutch could paint--

- [screams]

- Please.

[Guy] Yes, please, restrain yourself.

This is my painting.

I shall be paying you...

30,000 for this

unauthenticated...

Copy of a French Rembrandt.

There.

That's a splendid nose.

[Youngman] Seventeenth century?

Easily.

Excellent nose. Keep that.

You can burn the rest.

- Uh-- - Yes, unless of

course you have any other...

- French noses by Van Dyck or--

- No.

Come, Youngman.

Let's go and watch the auction.

And keep your eye

open for a good ear.

Mr. Gerard.

Number 1-3-3 in your catalog,

ladies and gentlemen.

"Dignity and impudence,"

by sir Edward Landseer.

This is a Victorian genre picture.

These pictures, not

always appreciated,

Have now become to find a certain

favor among the cognoscenti.

No one back in Baton Rouge

owns a Landseer. No, honey.

- And the colors are just right for our

conversation pens. - This is a big one.

Shall we start it at 1,000?

See, mark the manner

of the others, Youngman.

Don't tip your hand.

That is the fool's game.

Mm. Right.

3,000.

3,500 from

an outer gallery.

- [knuckle cracks]

- 4,000.

4,500.

[blows scale]

- [murmuring]

- 5,000.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is not

the usual practice of sotheby's...

To encourage bidding.

But 5,000

for this fine landseer,

Executed at the height of the artist's

maturity, is really something--

- [man gasps] Lord!

- 6,000.

[whirring]

- 6,500...

- He's lost control.

From an outer gallery.

7,000.

- 7,500.

- [bleats]

- 8,000. 8,000--

- [air horn blares]

- 9,000.

- [glass shattering]

[objects rattling]

11,000.

11,500-- 12,000. 13,000.

- 14,000. 15,000.

- Guineas!

16,000. 17,000.

Let me through. I'm trying to bid!

- 18,000.

- 18,500!

It's against you, sir.

- No, I can't compete with these prices.

- All right, Herbert.

Mark it sold to the old

American twit in the front row.

[marching band]

[announcer] Good afternoon,

ladies and gentlemen,

And welcome to London for this

great and grand historical event--

The Oxford and Cambridge

boat race.

And, as I look at it now, it seems we've

got the most perfect weather overhead.

They're wonderful conditions.

They really are. And, uh--

Cambridge eight

have just appeared.

And we're waiting now for

the much-fancied Oxford crew.

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