The Magic Christian Page #6

Well, then, now break it up,

chaps, will you? Gather around.

I, uh-- I'd like to introduce

sir Guy Grand...

And his son, Youngman Grand.

[exchanging greetings]

Sir Guy's come down with a very

interesting proposition to us.

- Sir Guy.

- Lads, we, uh,

Had a little idea

concerning the race.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

An endeavor, you might say,

to make it somewhat more...

Interesting this year.

[announcer] Cambridge are making

their way to the starting position,

But there's still

no sign of Oxford.

We're here, in fact, to make

you a very interesting offer.

[Youngman] Of money.

[all laughing]

- I think they're trying to bribe us.

- They are.

Oxford still haven't

put in an appearance,

and the crowd's getting

just a bit restive.

It's really most extraordinary.

I'm quite sure the umpire's got

something to say about this.

Oxford, can you hear me?

You mean you've actually come here to of-

fer us money to interfere with the race?

Yes, that's right.

[knocking]

I think you ought to leave.

You have the wrong men.

[overlapping chatter]

But you must leave immediately.

You should realize, sir, that

Oxford men cannot be bought.

Hear! Hear!

Mm.

But, you see, we thought that

if the sum was large enough,

As large as that.

- Now, get a move on, please!

- [announcer] And here's Oxford at last.

Well, I make them about--

about five minutes late.

That's better.

I think it is the first time

in the history of the race,

that any crew has been late.

Get ready!

Are you ready?

- Row! - And now they're off.

They're off to a good start.

They're late, but

nevertheless underway,

And despite a rather fresh head wind,

they're moving along rather nicely.

Cambridge have settled down nicely.

Moving along tidily, sir John.

Ah, yes.

Splendid. Splendid.

The best I've seen since

I stroked them in '28. Oh?

Yes. Before your time, of course.

Oh, of course.

Yes, of course, yes.

[chuckles]

Now, both crews are rowing with al-

most perfect style and lots of polish.

But now as I look, Cambridge

are putting up the stroke now.

And as they shoot Hammersmith

Bridge, I make Cambridge about--

Oh, I should say--

a good length ahead.

The light blues are putting

up the stroke a bit, son.

They're giving it ten.

Mm, you might be right, dad.

What do you mean, "You might be

right"? They are giving out ten.

Yes. Yes. You and I know

they're giving out ten, John.

I was pointing it out to him.

He's new to the game.

Oh, I see.

Why, is he entitled

to that cap?

I mean to say, why is he wearing it?

To keep me head warm.

Oh.

[chuckles] "Keep it warm."

Yes.

[announcer] Now, at about

half way along the course,

Cambridge are still in the lead,

and we'll just see how Oxford

will respond to this challenge.

Now, with these lads, it isn't

win or lose or draw that counts.

It's simply playing the game.

That's how it's been for 140

years over this boat race,

And that's how it is today

on the Thames here.

And--

Good, god! What on earth's

going on, for heaven's sake?

- [announcer] The bloody swine have

cut their rudder line. - Oxford!

You're out of your water!

It looks like a change in

tactics for the dark blues.

Hold on, son. Let's not

jump to conclusions.

- They're gonna ram 'em amidship!

- Good god!

- They've been practicin'.

- Yes. What do you make of it, John?

Well, it would've never have

happened in my day. - Nor mine.

- Well, it's happenin' in mine!

- [Guy] It seems the light blues...

Have lost their all too hastily

acquired polish, eh, son?

[announcer] And now the dark

blues are turning back.

Good lads. They're going

back to lend a hand.

[Youngman] Looks like

some kind of a punch up.

- This leaves a very nasty taste in

the mouth. [coughs] - Yes, indeed.

Come here, John. Anything that leaves

a nasty taste in the mouth disgraces.

[coughing] What? John. Could you

just-- for a quick photo together.

Thank you. It's a disgrace.

The whole thing is a disgrace.

Bloody students!

What's going on there, umpire?

Infringement!

Yes, umpire.

What's going on?

What is it?

[indistinct shouting]

Hello, this is Michael Aspel,

and welcome once again to...

[yelling] Another edition

of people are talking about.

Well, these days--

[indistinct chatter]

...Is this fantastic new

dream ship, The Magic Christian.

Now let's meet the man who's going to

be at the helm for her maiden voyage,

Captain Reginald K. Klaus.

Good afternoon, captain.

How do you do? How do you do?

Sit yourself down.

Thank you very much.

Uh-huh. Now, captain, you're no

stranger to a distinguished command,

But how does it feel to be

selected for what must be...

The most coveted captaincy

in the history of seamanship?

[laughs] Quite an honor, I

think I'd say. An honor, yes.

- [all blowing]

- [tv program audio continues]

She's a marvelous ship, sir.

So, how would you sum up?

After 35 years of service

to queen and sea,

I've never looked forward

so eagerly to a new command.

How's that? Thank you

very much, captain Klaus.

And captain Klaus is not

alone in his feelings,

Because tonight many people

are thinking about...

The maiden voyage

of The Magic Christian.

And, as well, about

the lucky people...

Who are going to be fortunate

enough to be passengers.

Although, of course, the

so-called gracious few...

Will have to dig into their

own pockets to the extent...

Of about 5,000 each.

But certainly amongst these

beautiful, trendy people,

It would seem the only "in"

place to be this easter...

Is on board The Magic Christian.

Good evening. This is Alan Whicker

at Tower Bridge quay in London,

From where The Magic Christian,

The most luxurious ship

ever to sail from this port,

Is about to embark upon her maiden

voyage to the new world, to New York.

And we're here to see the

arrival and the departure...

Of the elite of

international society--

The men and women who shape

the destinies of nations--

The passengers of

The Magic Christian.

[muzak]

[chattering]

[woman on P.A.] Ladies and

gentlemen, you're invited...

To make your way to the marine

room on the ocean floor deck...

Where dinner is now being served...

And the captain is waiting

to welcome you on board.

[resumes]

- Youngman, enjoying yourself?

- So far, so good, dad.

Good.

Here's our captain on the bridge.

Ah.

[indistinct] Captain Klaus, here.

Nice to have you aboard.

I'll tell you our course.

Now leaving thames estuary

and having cleared land's end,

We shall fix on about, uh,

Forty-seven degrees

west by norwest.

We're running through

a bit of a chop at the moment,

But thanks to our

multihead gyrostabilizers,

I think we can look forward to

smooth sailing throughout the voyage.

Now here we have our radar,

And here our photoplot.

This is the master compass.

And...

[chuckles]

This, of course, is the wheel.

Comforting.

Comforting. [grunts]

[Klaus] But I prefer to

handle the ship myself.

It may be an old-fashioned notion,

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