The Magic Christian Page #7

But I still like to regard

my ship as a woman.

[groans] Bloody fool!

Shh, shh.

Nice to have you aboard.

[chuckles]

[resumes]

Good evening.

Guy grand.

Chupcho. Major chupcho. En garde.

Oh, how do you do.

[chuckles]

I must say, I see

few, if indeed any,

Persons of color among

the ship's cavalry.

Huh, some blacks? Blacks

aboard the christian?

Not bloody likely.

What is it, dear? The fellow's going

on about jungle bunnies, my dear.

[chuckling]

[mixed chorus]

black and white

black and white

everyone everywhere's

getting uptight

but gray skies

turn to blue

when I dance with you

mr. Universe

mr. Universe

- wrong and right

- psst, psst.

[whistles]

wrong and right

let us just hold up

the future is bright

- but a far far better moon

- [whistling along]

you bring into view

mr. Universe

mr. Universe

dancing with

you

"'Oh, Badger!' cried the rat.

'Let us in, please.

"'It's me, Ratty,

and my friend, Mole,

- And we've lost our way in the snow.'"

- oh.

There's a picture of them

losing their way in the snow.

It looks very deep.

"'What, Ratty, my dear little man?'

exclaimed the badger...

In quite a different voice."

Take us to cuba!

Good heaven.

[gunshot from tv]

Cynthia.

Cynthia! Oh!

Oh, she's always asleep.

[Guy] "Carried a flat

candlestick in his paw."

Get up! Come on!

Get up, everybody! Get up!

Sounds like trouble

in the passageway.

They may have automatic weapons!

I'll just take a shuftie.

Good heavens.

What's all this about, eh?

Well, there's a general

impression, captain,

That there's been trouble

on the bridge, eh, lads?

- Looks like trouble on the bridge.

- Trouble on my bridge?

[captain laughs] That'll be the

proverbial snowstorm in August...

[bell chiming] When there's trouble

on the bridge of the christian.

Ah. That must be three bells. I,

for one, must get back to the wheel.

Now, I suggest you all have a talk

with the sitz grog and get back to bed.

See you in the morning.

Nice to have you aboard.

[scatting]

Sir!

Sir. Sir.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the

ship's physician, Laurence F*ggot.

Oh, doctor, what in the name

of god's going on here?

Now, now, sir herb.

What's all this?

Fair-weather sailor,

cross and irritable,

The moment things don't

exactly suit you. Suit me!

There are odd things going

on that need an explanation!

Explanation? Why don't we

have a little tte--tte.

Perhaps, you could tell me about

your childhood, your early childhood.

I don't need any of that

psychological claptrap!

If you could please just

give me some tranquilizers.

Escape into drugs? Mask your

fears in an artificial fog?

Oh, surely, you can't

be serious. Oh, well,

Give me some decent

English aspirin.

Here, sir herb, try this. It's

just what the doctor ordered.

Oh, what is it.

It's cannabis, a herb.

[holding breath] It'll tighten your wig.

Tighten my wig?

Why, it's damnable wog hemp!

Who do you think you're kidding?

I saw you try to ditch that stuff.

Okay, buddy. This is

a bust. Let's move.

B-but I was in bed reading!

Oh, cynthia!

This damnable wog hemp is burning

a hole in the ship's carpet, son.

We don't want that, do we, dad?

No, we don't.

Let's really go and listen

to the story. Good idea.

[muzak]

This way, ladies and gentlemen.

This is, of course, the pool room.

[chuckles]

Quite a nasty squall on today,

Freezing fog at about

two-feet visibility.

But you wouldn't think so here

on the promenade deck, would you?

Just feel that sunshine and its

life-giving rays. Hmm, lovely.

Good morning!

Morning.

Morning.

[guide] Now then, let's step into

the sea spray bar for an aperitif.

[man on P.A.] Testing, hot damn

vietnam. Testing, hot damn vietnam.

One, two, buckle my shoe.

Hear this. Attention, please.

We're happy to announce today's

feature film presentation...

Will be men in white, the gripping

story of love and sacrifice,

Commencing in five minutes in the

"B" deck theater. Men in white?

Men in white? One of the great classics

of the silver screen, am I right, son?

Right again, dad. You're quite

uncanny. Come on. Let's go.

[deep breathing]

[man, southern accent]

well, there it is, nurse.

Why, you're lookin' at the all-

american answer to the color problem,

The first multiracial

head transplant in history.

Aw, shoot!

Oh, never mind. There's plenty

more where that boy come from.

[knocking]

Yes?

Your tea, milady.

Just put it down on the table.

Yes, milady.

Thank you.

That will be all.

Not... Quite,

milady.

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

No more bets now.

- No more bets. Thank you.

- [roulette ball rattles]

Twenty-four, black.

[laughs]

Sir, he pocketed my plaque.

He what?

That swine, rivello, he removed

my wager. I didn't see that.

He put it in his pocket. He

pocketed my plaque! All right, sir.

I highly recommend this beaujolais.

[chuckles]

Oh, I mustn't have

too much, must I?

Well, perhaps,

just a little bit more. [laughs]

[piano, soft]

Would you like to buy a

girl a drink, big boy?

Thanks.

Here's looking

at you, mister.

[tango]

Oh, isn't this fun, Guy?

Divine. Divine.

[cackling laugh]

Oh, look, Guy!

How gravely they dance.

[piano]

mad about the boy

I know it's stupid

to be mad

about the boy

I'm so

ashamed of it

but must admit

the sleepless nights

I'm mad about the boy

[strings]

on the silver screen

he melts my foolish heart

in every single scene

although, I'm quite aware

that here and there

are traces of

the cad about the boy

lord knows

I'm not a fool girl

I really shouldn't care

lord knows

I'm not a schoolgirl

in the flurry of her first

affair

if I could employ

a little magic

that would

finally destroy

this dream that pains me

and enchains me

but I can't because

I'm mad about the boy

mad about the boy

mad about

the boy

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

[man on P.A.]

Now hear this. Now hear this.

[macabre laughter]

- [panicked screams] - [man on P.A.]

Please put on your life jackets.

Quietly, go to your cabins

and wait there.

- [screaming continues]

- [squealing]

Maybe the ship's going

down with all hands down.

[man on P.A.] Passengers

are respectfully reminded...

That cabin carts are not--

Repeat-- not allowed

to accept gratuities.

Thank you.

There is no cause for alarm.

There is no cause for--

You know, it's probably

a lifeboat drill.

Better safe than sorry, one.

[man over P.A.] Make your way to

"B" deck immediately. I repeat--

Make your way to

"C" deck immediately.

[laughing]

Youngman, what is going on?

Ship's concert, I shouldn't wonder.

[man over P.A.] The Magic

Christian has proven to be...

Unseaworthy.

I repeat-- The Magic Christian

has proven to--- [bubbling sound]

[muffled cries]

Looks like trouble on the bridge.

[man over P.A.] What's going on?

What is going on?

What's happening?

What's happening?

No, but seriously, folks.

Sir, I say, how do we

get out of here?

Through the engine room, if

memory serves. Thank you so much.

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