The Man Page #3

Get up!

Hey... don't make me

chase you.

I'm tell...

- Hey!

- Stop!

Stop! Help me!

- Hey!

- Help!

You're under arrest.

Hands on the car.

On the car!

Who the hell

is this guy?

Run that.

He's international.

- Ow!

- Watch your head.

Okay, that's it.

I am writing a letter.

- Number 3.

- Number 3.

Three, step forward.

Three, that's you.

- That's him.

- You sure?

I'll never forget

that face.

- All right, thank you. You can go.

- Excuse me.

I'd like to speak

to whoever's in charge, please.

All right, number 3, stay.

The rest can go.

Thank you.

Boy, sometimes you

just have to speak up.

- Are you in charge here?

- Yes, I am.

Oh, boy, have I been waiting

to talk to you.

- Really?

- My name is Andy Fiddler.

I'm in dental supply sales,

and believe you me,

I never thought I'd be standing here

in a police station

- with a bullet wound in the keister.

- Hmm.

But I am extremely upset

with this man here,

and I must confess

with your whole operation in general,

because quite frankly,

I have nothing to do with any of this.

Well, that's not what

it looks like, Mr. Keister.

The weapon you used

in the diner,

stolen from A.T.F.'s vault.

The gun you're robbing

the cashier with.

Oh, no no no no.

No no, there's no robbing.

I'm not robbing.

You see, although I can certainly see

how you'd get

that impression.

We also got a red notice

from Interpol when we ran your name.

There's an outstanding

warrant for your arrest.

- What?

- Istanbul, Turkey ring any bells?

Oh. Oh, yes.

It does ring some bells,

and believe it or not, there is

a perfectly reasonable explanation

for that, and you will

find it very funny,

- 'cause it's quite a story.

- Tell it on the way.

- Place your left hand here.

- So I took the family to Europe

in the summer of '98, and one

of our stops was Istanbul, in Turkey...

a must-see

if you've never been.

- Anyhoo, my wife has this thing about...

- Yo, Vann, phone call.

...Persian rugs.

Okay, I'm not a complainer,

but that officer

was very abusive.

I mean, not only was

he physically violent,

but... but more disturbing to me,

he... he was just rude.

- Vann.

- Your daughter wants to know

if you're coming

to her recital tonight.

Oh you know,

I can't.

Uh, I'm in the middle

of something right now.

Um, I gotta go.

Would you tell her for me?

You need to tell her.

So when we got back

to the hotel,

we discovered

the rug is too big for the suitcase.

So we decided

to leave the rug at the hotel

to be sent to us

when we got back home.

Turn right.

So we finally get home,

but we never got the rug.

Long story short,

we get a letter from the hotel

that said the rug had

been seized at Customs.

Now evidently

this rug had been stolen.

It was a 1,000-year-old

prayer rug,

and... and it was stolen,

but how was I to know?

I didn't know, and I'm the one

that's out $230.

Yeah, it was all very innocent,

as I'm sure

- you can now understand.

- I see.

- Lock him up.

- What?

- Let's go.

- What?

- Let's go.

- Get him out of here!

What? Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

- This way.

- I have done nothing wrong!

- Come on. Move it.

- I have... l... l...

I haven't...

I haven't done anything!

Yo, this is the number

to this phone.

I want you to put

a trace on it.

I want the owner and an address.

Call me when you got it.

Okay.

Lieu, you looking

for me?

Explain the Wisconsin kid.

I set up a buy with the bad guys,

he got in the middle of it,

- now they think he's me.

- So you're telling me

- the guns are still in play.

- Yeah.

- How do you know this isn't a setup?

- With this guy?

- Yeah, with this guy.

- Not with this guy.

Okay, where is he?

He's in holding,

and he's gonna stay there.

Yes, Ma'am.

Sh*t.

They ate him already.

Caucasian gentlemen.

Big glasses.

Oh yeah, didn't have

the heart to put him in there.

Ah-ah!

Thank you.

- Come on.

- So, am I free to go now?

Go? Oh, hell no.

They're fixing a sh*t sandwich upstairs,

and you're

the mayonnaise.

Possession of a stolen weapon,

armed robbery and the Turkish

government wants

to have a little chat

with you before we're done.

Okay, I want to talk

to an attorney.

I get one phone call,

and I want to call an attorney.

Let me lay your options

out for you here...

You can come with me

as a Suspect Who's Cooperating,

or you can stay here

and get married tonight.

- So what's it gonna be?

- Okay, just so we're clear...

I am not choosing

to go with you.

I'm choosing

not to stay with them.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay.

Lag escort, first-time

session.

Hang on.

This is one

screwed up crew.

All right, just so

there's no confusion, here's the deal...

You're in my world now,

not yours.

And in my world, your responsibilities

begin and end with me.

And what would those

responsibilities be?

Well, these guys think you wanna

buy guns from them.

I need you to meet 'em one more time

and set up a buy,

- so I can bust their ass.

- Okay, I am developing a slight phobia

about meeting these guys.

The whole meeting thing, quite frankly,

is getting irritating.

I have to be honest.

Look, I have done everything

you've asked me to do.

Why can't I go?

What does any

of this have to do with me?

Because every time

these guys meet somebody new,

they're on the lookout

for the Man.

And you most certainly

do not look like the Man.

Oh, I don't look

like the Man.

Well, thank you, because

that clears up absolutely nothing.

Who... who is the Man?

The heat, the pig,

the po-po, 5-0,

the undercover agent

that's gonna bust their ass.

You're such a white bread son

of a b*tch, these a**holes trust you.

Well, you know,

people do trust me.

- That's not a compliment, sh*t stain.

- Okay, you know what?

Why do you swear so much?

Do you think it makes you sound tougher

when you just swear

all the time?

- F*** you.

- Okay, that's good. That's really good.

Really classy. You know,

I could go around all day saying,

"F-U. F this

and F that

and F-ing this,

you mother-F-er."

But I don't because there has

to be some civility in the world.

Incidentally, there is a trick

you can use to curb that habit.

Every time you feel like saying

the "F" word, just go ahead and say it,

and then add,

"Crying out loud."

F*** crying out loud.

F*** crying out loud.

F*** crying out loud.

And before you know it, you're saying,

"Oh, for crying out loud."

Let's see here.

- Oh, boy. Well...

- You did make her a promise.

You always break

your promises to her.

You want your daughter growing up

like you, not trusting anybody?

- That's not the point.

- It's exactly the point.

No, it's not.

You promised her you'd be

at her recital tonight.

Something came up.

You know, my little girl's a ballerina too,

and she's exactly your age.

- Really?

- Yeah,

I help her

with her pirouettes all the time.

That's not

what this is about.

This is about

you not wanting to go

- because her stepdad's gonna be there.

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