The Man Who Came to Dinner Page #4

- I certainly can and I certainly will.

Good. I shall instruct my lawyers

to deduct it from the $ 150,000...

...that I am suing you for.

Let me ask you, gentlemen,

is it true that in China...

...you drown middle-aged businessmen

at birth?

Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie.

I understand now why Sonja Heine

makes so much money.

You can't learn to skate

without taking a spill or two.

- You've got pretty good balance.

- I should have.

I cut a mean figure eight

at the Stork Club.

You wanna sit down? Hiya, Jack.

And I didn't even say yes.

I'm sorry, Maggie.

Come on, let's go sit by the fire.

Don't you ever wave again

unless you see the Statue of Liberty.

Okay.

Hi, Paul. What do you say?

What do you say, Jack?

- Hello, Mary.

- Hi.

- How's the ice?

- Hard.

How is it, Sam? Gertie?

You know more people

than a headwaiter.

Well, I admit, I'm popular. Here I am,

the most attractive man in town.

- Are you?

- Sure.

We ran a contest in the paper

last week, and I won.

Of course, I own the paper,

but that's just a coincidence.

- How about a hot sweet potato?

- A what?

Oh, sweet potato. That's what they

serve at 21 with pineapple glac.

- Hey, Freddie.

- Yes, Mr. Jefferson?

- Two sweets.

- Best in the West.

Hot.

- Thank you.

- Thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

- How's your back?

- Broken, thank you.

Maggie, I was wondering, I don't know

if I'm making a hit with you or not.

You're doing all right.

- Are you having fun, Maggie?

- I'm loving it.

Good.

- You got a girl, Bert?

- Oh, not particularly. Why?

I was just wondering. You know,

most attractive man in town.

Funny thing is, you are sort of attractive

in a corn-fed sort of way.

I can imagine some poor girl

falling for you if...

Well, if you threw in a set of dishes.

Well, I've got the dishes.

"Her footsteps quicken.

Calmly and quietly,

she goes through the doorway...

...and the door closes behind her.

There's a moment's silence,

and the curtain falls."

Well, Maggie, there it is.

It's wonderful. I think it's a fine play.

Honestly, Maggie?

You telling me the truth?

It's better than that.

I think it's great.

May I take it with me?

I wanna read it again myself.

Sure. You like it as much as that, huh?

Bert Jefferson, you're quite a guy.

Say.

I'll write another one right away.

There, you see how good it is?

I've forgotten the time.

I must go.

Miss Preen?

Miss Preen!

What have you got

in there, a sailor?

I was just fixing your medicine,

Mr. Whiteside.

- Has Miss Cutler come in?

- I don't know, Mr. Whiteside.

- At least I haven't seen her.

- Are you sure?

I'm not sure of anything

anymore, Mr. Whiteside.

- Here's your medicine.

- All right, all right. Go back to the Navy.

Come here, you two.

Come on, come on.

I'm not going to bite you.

Now, look here. I am, by nature,

a gracious and charming person.

I'm afraid when we first met, I was

unpleasant to you. For that, I am sorry.

I wish in the future you won't treat me

like something out of Edgar Allan Poe.

- How do you like my tie?

- Oh, thank you.

This makes things so much pleasanter.

Your tie is pretty.

Now that we're speaking, I don't mind

saying I've been admiring all your ties.

- You like this one?

- I certainly do.

- It's yours.

- Well, thanks.

Really, this curious legend

that I am difficult is pure fabrication.

Ice-skating, eh? Ah, me.

I used to cut figure eights,

arm in arm with Betsy Ross...

...waving the flag behind us.

- It was wonderful on the ice tonight.

Miss Cutler and Mr. Jefferson

were there.

- Maggie? Skating?

- I got a marvelous picture of her.

They seemed to be having

a wonderful time.

Did they indeed?

Would you mind if I took

a picture? I'd love one.

Very well. Do you want my profile?

Afraid you're done for, Mr. Whiteside.

My brother's a camera fiend.

Thanks, Mr. Whiteside.

I got a great one.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Good night.

Dear Mr. Whiteside.

How wonderful to find you alone.

I've been wanting to show you

a few mementos of the past.

I somehow feel that you

will love them as I do.

Why, I'd be delighted.

Miss Stanley, haven't we met

somewhere before?

No. I would have remembered.

It would have been one

of my cherished memories...

...like these.

Look, there I am with my first

sweetheart under our beechwood tree.

I was 8, and he was 10.

I have never forgotten him.

What happy times we had.

What precious hours.

Good night, dear Mr. Whiteside.

Good night.

Happy, happy dreams.

Good evening.

Really, Sherry, you've got this room

looking like an old parrot cage.

Did you have a nap while I was out?

What's the matter, dear?

Cat got your tongue?

Don't look at me with those

great cow eyes, you simpering Sappho.

Where have you been all night,

playing house with Bert Jefferson?

I had the most wonderful evening.

I've been ice-skating for the first time.

I'm the first person to do a figure eight

from a sitting position.

We are not amused.

Bert read me his play. It's superb.

It's not just a play by a newspaperman.

It's really superb,

cries out for Cornell.

Will you send it to her?

Will you read it?

No, I will not read it tonight

or any other time.

You might tell Mr. Jefferson

that I'm suing him for your salary...

...since he takes up all your time.

- Sherry, it's not as bad as all that.

- I haven't been able to reach you...

...not knowing what ice-cream parlors

you frequent.

You're acting

like a very spoiled child, Sherry.

Don't take that patronizing tone

with me, you flea-bitten Cleopatra.

I'm sick and tired of your sneaking out

every time my back is turned.

I'm afraid you've hit the nail

on the head.

Stop acting like Zasu Pitts

and explain yourself.

Well, I'll be quick about it.

- I'm in love.

- Nonsense.

This is merely delayed adolescence.

No, Sherry, you're just about to lose

a very excellent secretary.

- You're out of your mind.

- Yes, I think I am a little.

I'm a girl who's waited a long time

for this to happen to her. Now it has.

Mr. Jefferson doesn't know it yet...

...but I'm going to try

my darnedest to marry him.

- Is that all?

- Well, yes, except that...

...this is my resignation as soon

as you can find someone else.

Listen to me.

We've been together a long time.

You are indispensable,

but I'm unselfish enough...

...not to let that stand in the way

of your happiness.

- Because I have a deep affection for you.

- I know that, Sherry.

So I will not stand by

and see you make a fool of yourself.

- But I'm not.

- You are, my dear.

You're behaving like Tillie the Toiler.

Oh, it's incredible.

I don't know how it's happened, Sherry.

I can only tell you that it has.

It's hard for me to believe myself.

Here I am, a hard-bitten old cynic...

...behaving like Winnie the Pooh

and liking it.

Discovering the moonlight

and ice-skating and...

We're leaving here tomorrow. Hip

or no hip, we are leaving here tomorrow.

I don't care if I fracture the other one.

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