The Man with Two Brains

Check the heartline.

- Are you hyperventilating the patient?

- No, doctor.

Ready the bone wax.

Metzenbaum scissors.

- Get that cat out of here.

- Yes, sir.

- Ready to close. Remove the retractor.

- We're closing, doctor.

Remove the Rainey clip,

for God's sake!

I appreciate your letting me observe

that brain operation today.

It would've been complicated

if he needed one...

...but you wanted

to observe my technique...

That was very nice of you.

Doctor, were you...?

Were you interested

in science as a child?

I don't know if I was interested

so much in the science...

...as I was the slime that goes

along with it. Snakes and frogs.

And when I saw how slimy

the human brain was...

...I knew that's what I wanted to do

with my life.

What's the matter, Timon?

I thought you liked fish.

- They taste funny.

- Really?

It's fresh.

It came right out of that tank.

You cooked my angelfish?

Why do you do these terrible things?

Because I love to see

those veins in your temple throb.

I'll kill you. I'll kill...

Devil woman!

- You'll never do this to another man!

- Oh, yes, I will.

I'll do it and I'll do it

and I'll do it again.

Would you read that back?

That might make me

sound pompous to your readers.

"My brilliant research in brain

transplantation is unsurpassed...

...and will probably make my name

live beyond eternity."

No, that's all right.

Take out the "probably."

It just makes me sound wishy-washy.

You take your hands off me,

you impotent prune!

My Renoir. I'll kill you.

I get so excited when you get angry.

It makes me feel much closer

to the reading of the will.

You won't get a penny.

- I changed my will months ago.

- You son of a b*tch.

Well, I guess I'll just find

a new man to torture.

Dr. Furrier...

- That's "Hfuhruhurr."

- I'm sorry.

A lot of people mispronounce it.

But it sounds just the way it's spelled,

H-F-U-H-R...

...U- H-U-R-R. Hfuhruhurr.

Hfuhruhurr.

That's good. You went a little past it.

Just put the brakes on a little sooner.

Doctor, I know you were quite shaken

by the tragic death of your wife.

I couldn't talk about it

for a long while.

But time passes by,

and I can handle it now.

Her name was Rebecca...

Why, why, why?

Is ookums having

a massive heart attack?

What a shame.

With me so young and hot!

Pom-Pom!

Rip her throat out!

Why? Why? Why?

- Dr. Furrier.

- Hfuhruhurr.

I'm sorry.

She was...

...everything.

Is that her?

No. That's just a statue of her.

Our gardener, Ramon,

he made that for me after she...

I love the way her head moves.

She almost looks alive.

Watch out!

An angel.

- Little girl?

- Yes, sir.

I want you to do something

important, all right?

Okay.

I want you to run home

and call the ER...

...of North Bank General Hospital,

932-1000.

Tell them to set up

O.R. 6 immediately.

Contact anesthesiologist

Isadore Tourick, 472-2112, beep 12.

Have them send an ambulance

with a paramedic, light IV...

...D- 5 and W, KVO.

You got it?

ER, North Bank General

Hospital, 932-1000.

Set up O.R. 6, call anesthesiologist

Isadore Tourick, 472-2112, beep 12.

Ambulance with paramedics

and light IV, D-5, and W, KVO.

That's good.

Sounds like

a subdural hematoma to me.

Oh, it does, does it?

Well, it's not your job to diagnose.

- But I thought...

- You thought, you thought. Just go!

Three years of school,

you think you know it.

You're still wet behind the ears.

It's not a subdural hematoma...

...it's epidural.

Goddamn, that makes me mad.

I don't find this amusing, Garrero!

This is a better story

than I ever hoped for.

A beautiful woman gets hit

by a car and needs brain surgery.

The man who hits her is

the world's greatest brain surgeon...

...who operates and saves her life.

- Lf I save her life, Olsen. Lf.

- You wanted to see me, Dr. Brandon?

- Yes, Michael.

This operation that you're about

to perform, I feel, is ill-advised.

No surgeon should operate on

a patient that he's personally injured.

It'd make him emotionally involved.

Don't you think I'm aware of that?

There's one person I trust

to perform this operation: Beckerman.

Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe.

You know that.

Exactly. Not only is he dead,

he's 6000 miles away.

What is that?

It's a vagina.

I know what it is.

I mean, what are you doing?

- Shaving her.

- This is a brain operation.

I know.

Is that supposed to be a heart?

Yes, sir. Clive and I thought

that since it's Valentine's Day...

You don't have to

shave her anywhere.

We'll be using my Cranial Screwtop

method of entry.

- Fine. Yes, sir.

- I never wanna see that again.

I suppose if it were Christmas,

you'd hang ornaments on it.

Forceps.

Metzenbaum scissors.

- Ten-blade scalpel.

- Ten-blade.

Sponge stick.

Give me a little sweat

on my upper lip.

Remove sweat.

Cover her breasts. I'm a man,

flesh and blood.

Scat!

Damn, the cats around here.

Cranial Screwtop.

- Now all we can do is wait.

- Yes.

Where am I?

In a hospital.

You've had an accident.

I hope I haven't caused any trouble.

- Oh, no.

- I'm so tired.

- Who are you?

- I'm your doctor.

Don't try to talk.

Doctor? You're wanted

in O.R. 6 in 5 minutes.

Thank you.

Continue the Dilantin IV.

What a skull.

Boy, would I like to jump

on those bones.

Rebecca.

I can't help comparing her to you.

She has a behind so sexy

you'd like to eat lunch off it.

Just like we did, remember?

Rebecca.

I've had the top of her head off,

but that's as far as it went.

I promise I'll never recite

our favorite poem to anyone but you.

"In Dilman's Grove"

In Dilman 's Grove

My love did die

And now in ground

She'll ever lie

None could e'er

Replace her visage

Until your face

Brought thoughts of kissage

Nurse.

Good. I'm glad you're here.

Make a note.

Right arm grip strength,

very good.

Left arm, there's just no improvement.

Went out and got you a little present.

"The Complete Poems

of John Lilyson."

"England's greatest one-armed poet"?

He wrote "In Dilman's Grove"

and "Pointy Birds."

Oh, pointy birds

Oh, pointy, pointy

Anoint my head

Anointy, nointy

He died in 1894.

He was the first person

ever to be hit by a car.

- You were almost killed by a car.

- Michael.

That's all over now.

That man you ran away

from that night?

Poor old Mr. Creswell.

It was all my fault, in a way.

I never should've gone there alone.

I guess I'm just too trusting.

Poor little bird.

So fragile. So naive.

So childlike. So shy.

So chaste.

So innocent.

Rebecca, if there's anything wrong

with my feelings for Dolores...

...just give me a sign.

No! No! No!

Just any kind of sign.

I'll keep on the lookout for it.

Meanwhile, I'll just put you

in the closet.

In sickness or in health,

till death do you part.

- I do.

- I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Not now.

There it is, darling. Your new home.

The House of Hfuhruhurr.

What are those a**holes doing

on the porch?

Those aren't a**holes.

It's pronounced "azaleas."

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