The Man with Two Brains Page #2

I put them there for you.

No, Ramon. My wife will not be entering

her new home in a wheelchair.

I want this moment to last forever.

Seor, would you like

to eat your breakfast now?

Have you taken enough photos,

so we can remember...

...this moment forever?

- Yes, and we got them back already.

- See?

- That's nice.

All right, breakfast.

We'll get cleaned up first.

One of my favorite people in the world

is about to walk out here...

Look, I framed the moment.

Wait, turn that back. That's my

favorite movie, Donovan 's Brain.

And not the slightest sign of decay?

None. I've never seen healthier tissue.

It's growing larger by the day.

- It's disgusting! Brains are so ugly.

- No, it's beautiful.

- I'm late.

- Is that all you're having for breakfast?

It's all I have time for.

How do you feel?

I'm fine.

I wish I could get out of this wheelchair,

so I could help around the house.

You will.

You just had a major operation.

It takes time to recover.

You'll be up and around in no time.

Just be patient.

Dolores. Soon?

I forgot my hat.

You walked, you walked, you walked.

I shouldn't have gotten up.

But I wanted to surprise you...

...and walk into your arms

tonight when you came home.

You walked, you walked, you walked.

I love you so much.

Who is that man out there?

Juan. He works for Ramon.

He frightened me.

He's just a big,

good-natured bag of muscles.

There's just something about him

that makes me quiver.

- Is he here often?

- Just one day a week.

- What day?

- Tuesday.

Is he ever alone?

I mean, does Ramon ever go off...

...and leave him here alone?

- Sometimes. Why?

I'd like to know.

Please, tell Ramon to warn me...

...when he's going to leave me alone

with that Juan person.

All right,

if that'll make you feel better.

That'll make me feel much better.

Frightened little mouse.

I'll tell Ramon.

Don't worry about Juan.

Ramon?

- Michael. How is married life?

- I don't know!

I'm sorry. I've been on edge

the last couple of weeks.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Michael!

See? That's a perfect example.

God, I almost peed in the scrub basin.

I don't know why I've been so tense.

Maybe it's your coffee.

No.

When a woman who's just had

major brain surgery...

...tells you she has a headache,

you've gotta listen.

Patience. A recently married woman

and an eager young husband...

It won't be long before

you hear her say:

"Take me, take me."

Take me.

Take me.

You're through.

- I don't think I am.

- Not you.

- By the way, I fired Ramon yesterday.

- Ramon? But...

Ramon is such a fine man.

What did he do?

He came up behind me,

and he grabbed my breasts.

What?

I haven't even done that yet.

I know. I told him that.

- You told him?

- He said he had to measure me...

...for a new dashboard ornament. He

told me he had to measure Rebecca...

...a lot before he got her right.

Oh, you're upset.

So am I.

I want to be everything to you

Rebecca was.

I want to give you everything

she gave you.

Do everything she did.

- When can you start?

- How soon can you get home?

Well, I have two operations.

But I can do them fast,

they're just brain operations.

Let me get my hat

and my briefcase.

Would you walk me to the door?

What's he doing?

Two brain operations

at the same time.

Number eleven blade.

- Ten-blade scalpel.

- Ten blade.

Ready the bone wax.

- Metzenbaum scissors.

- Metzenbaum scissors.

- Get that cat out of here.

- Yes, sir.

We're ready to close.

Cranial Screwtops.

Check for stripping.

Take them to SICU.

- You're so early.

- Yes.

Take off your coat.

And your paper hat.

I'm chilling some wine for us.

Why don't you open it?

Yes.

Does this do anything for you?

- Oh, yes.

- Good.

I want our first night together

to be exciting.

I do too.

I hope the waiting hasn't been

too hard on you.

There's something

I have to tell you.

This fits very snug.

And you may have some trouble

getting it off me.

You may have to tear it off my body.

I can tear. I like tearing.

You man of steel.

I can't wait till next Thursday.

- Today is Monday.

- I know.

But my headache

should be gone by then.

- You don't mind waiting, do you?

- Oh, no. No, no, not at all.

I have a little headache myself.

Maybe I'll take a walk.

It'll do me good.

Where's my hat?

The breeze feels good.

- You wanted to see me?

- Michael. I'm concerned about you.

Really? What's the concern?

My staff tells me that

you've been a little tense lately.

Tense?

Is that what they say about me?

Well, Michael, even to me

you seem a little jumpy.

Jumpy?

- How are things at home, Michael?

- Great.

I'm married to the most

beautiful woman.

How could it be anything but great?

It's gonna be even greater!

Just as soon as we:

Six weeks and you haven't

made love to your wife yet?

- No wonder you're tense.

- Dr. Brandon...

...the woman has just had

major brain surgery.

She's had enough unpleasantness.

I'll have you know that

in the finger-sucking department...

...I am extremely satisfied.

- Have you ever been to Austria, Michael?

- No.

The Austrian Institute of Craniology

asked me to ask you to lecture there...

...on your theory of brain transplants.

Why not take them up on it?

Combine a business trip...

...with a honeymoon.

- Honeymoon? Yeah.

I gotta do something

to get us started.

When are you having your hands

removed from your face?

This afternoon.

- You can do Voitlander surgery for me.

- Of course.

You have to be very careful

with that Instant Glue.

- I know.

- Here's the Voitlander chart.

Honeymoon. Yeah.

Honeymoon.

- May I help you, sir?

- Yes, I'm Dr. Hfuhruhurr.

I believe you're holding

a room for me.

Yes. Do you prefer a double

or twin beds?

- Double.

- Oh, a double.

Could you send up a bottle

of champagne...

...and put a "Do Not Disturb"

on the phone for the next...

We'll go in and put our bags down, start

kissing, that'll be about seven minutes.

Move into the bedroom,

I'll slide my hands over her...

...remove her blouse, that'll be four

or five minutes. Move over to the bed...

...then I'll rub each inner thigh,

that would be four minutes.

So I figure, like, 25 minutes

of foreplay in general.

I don't know if you call oral sex...

Is that foreplay or is that actual sex?

It doesn't matter.

I'd like to do it twice so...

At least three hours, all right?

Three hours?

Yes, sir.

Take Mrs. Hfuhruhurr and that lucky

son of a b*tch up to suite 729.

Yes, sir.

I never, in my wildest imagination,

ever thought it could be like that.

That was the most exciting sexual

encounter... Without actually having it.

- That I ever almost had.

Doctor. I'm Dr. Felix Conrad. I'll be

escorting you to the lecture hall.

- Did you step off the elevator?

- There was no operator.

They're afraid. You haven't heard

about Vienna's elevator killer?

People have been getting

on elevators on one floor...

...only to arrive

at another floor dead.

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