The Man with Two Brains Page #3

- Like Beckerman.

- Dr. Beckerman, brilliant brain surgeon.

One of your colleagues.

- It's a great loss.

- I'm thankful you're all right.

The academy is looking forward

to hearing you lecture.

I hope I don't ruffle any feathers.

My speech might be a little radical...

...for some of the old guard.

It would take quite a bit to shock

any of this crowd.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I can envision a day...

...when the brains of brilliant men

can be kept alive in the bodies...

...of dumb people.

- What are they saying?

- They are just saying:

- You mean, it's just a general murmur?

- Yeah. Murmur.

You may murmur all you like.

But to make transplantation possible,

I have recently invented...

...the Cranial Screwtop method

of entry into the brain...

...whereby a large section

can be unscrewed...

...without having to shave the head.

And as a safety feature,

I've made it childproof.

To open, you push down

while turning...

Voil, the human brain.

- Where is this man's brain?

- Stolen.

It's the fourth incident this month.

I wish to apologize to our colleague.

This demonstration is now concluded.

- Dr. Hfuhruhurr?

- It's close.

- Yes?

- I am Dr. Alfred Necessiter.

- Dr. Alfred Necessiter.

- Would you like a drink?

- A drink would be interesting.

- I enjoyed your lecture today.

Lecture? They gave me a head

with three lemons in it.

That's why I enjoyed it.

I didn't have to hear your brilliant...

...but old-fashioned theories

on the human brain.

What do you mean, old-fashioned?

I happen to be the most advanced

brain man working today.

- I don't think so.

- Read this article.

Look at the underlined part.

And look at this.

Read the caption under the photo.

And these:
Newsweek,

Time, Cosmo...

...National Enquirer, Dolly Parton

wants to have my baby.

Don't tell me I'm old-fashioned.

I didn't mean to upset you.

You're the most brilliant...

...brain man working today.

I'm anxious to share my work with you.

It seems you're the one person

in the entire universe...

...who might understand it.

And I agree with what you said here.

"My brilliant research in brain

transplantation is unsurpassed...

...and will probably make my name

live beyond eternity."

- I told him to take out the "probably."

- My laboratory is set up in my home.

If you have a moment,

I could show you my work.

- When?

- Now.

All right. I can't believe

they didn't take out the "probably."

Well, hello. I didn't expect

to see you here.

Oh, you...

- What's the matter?

- You have to forgive me.

Being here in Austria and meeting

a scientist with your interests...

...I expected your laboratory

to be in a castle, not a condo.

- You mean, like this.

- Yeah, that's more like it.

This is extraordinary.

From the outside,

it does not look this roomy.

I had a good decorator. My wife.

It's amazing what she did

with a few throw pillows...

...some wallpaper and a staple gun.

- Leaping lizards.

- Yes, we have those.

Moat with alligator.

Here's a small entrance hall.

- Do you have enough closet space?

- There never is.

No, because you acquire things...

- This is the TV room.

- I love the way it's so dreary.

This, doctor...

...is my laboratory.

Brains.

I've never seen so many brains

out of their heads before.

I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Don't touch it!

- Why?

- They're alive.

Alive.

But there's no wires or tubes

or that... thing.

- How are they kept alive?

- With a special fluid I developed.

Why do you have all these brains?

My vision...

...is to be able to take...

...the thoughts and data

from a dying brain...

...and transfer them into another body

without opening the skull.

Would you care for a drink?

- Please.

- What would you like?

- Tahitian Lady.

- Righto. Flaming?

Oh, no, no, no. That's for tourists.

- Where do you get your brains?

- From the city morgue.

For a nice tip, they send me brains

from bodies that died in the right way.

What is the right way

for a body to die?

For my purpose, an injection

of 200 cc's of ammoniated...

...strychnoclorahype

into the buttocks...

...causing the brain to die last.

Thank you. Ammoniated...

That's window cleaner.

That's the exact ingredients

in window cleaner.

Who does the injecting,

Dr. Necessiter? You?

Good Lord, no.

It's the Elevator Killer, bless his heart.

You're condoning murder,

aren't you, doctor?

Long as it's happening,

I'm happy to accept it.

We doctors should only accept death

when it's caused by our incompetence.

Nonsense. If the murder

of 12 innocent people...

...can help save one human life,

it will have been worth it.

- Worth it? You're condoning murder.

- I am not condoning murder, sir...

Shut up in there! Be quiet in there!

You shut up!

With your TV blaring all night...

...and your six grandchildren

running up and down the halls...

Sorry, doctor. These walls look solid,

but they're as thin as tissue paper.

It's typical for a condo.

Now, let me show you how far

I've progressed with my experiments.

You knew a Schlermie Beckerman?

You got Schlermie in one

of those jars like so much marmalade?

No! Schlermie Beckerman isn't in a jar,

he's walking and talking.

That's impossible.

I saw photos of the body.

It is possible.

I must warn you, doctor.

What you are about to see...

...might strike you

as the most incredible...

...awesome...

Excuse me.

Incredible what?

What am I gonna see?

Hello, yes?

- I'll be there immediately.

- What's the awesome thing?

I must leave now.

I have a new brain to pick.

- The Elevator Killer has struck again.

- What about Beckerman?

Come for dinner tonight

and bring Mrs. Furrear.

- Hfuhruhurr.

- Eight o'clock.

You can let yourself out.

Now, if you will just turn around.

And lift your robe.

- What's going on?

- Don't interfere.

He's paying me $ 15,000

just to touch my behind.

- You, get out of here.

- Please, forgive.

This is the kind of thing

that could ruin our marriage.

Why? Because you don't want me

to work and earn my own money?

- Have my own career?

- You call this a career?

Oh, I've made those veins

in your temple throb. Oh, I love that.

Dolores, our marriage lies broken...

...on the floor like the shards

of glass on our honeymoon suite.

Nineteenth century

Indian rubber vase, eh?

Dolores, I'm making a citizen's divorce.

What?

By the powers vested in me,

I hereby declare our marriage...

...null and void.

- I'm Dr. Hfuhruhurr.

- Doctor...

Oh, yeah, you and your wife

are expected for dinner.

My wife won't be coming.

- I trust she's not ill.

- She's not ill.

She's a cheap, vulgar slut.

Yeah, I've heard this.

Dr. Hfuhruhurr, please.

No, I'm sorry, he's not in.

This is Mrs. Hfu...

I'm James Gladstone,

calling from New York.

I'm the attorney for Dr. Hfuhruhurr's

step-grandmother.

I wanted to inform him

of her passing.

- Passing what?

- She was cremated this afternoon.

We need the doctor's signature before

we release his share of the estate.

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