The Marrying Man Page #5

Do I look like a schmuck?

- No, sir.

Bugsy Siegel may be crazy.

But stupid, he's not.

Those people out there

kill for power, money!

But this thing

he did for revenge.

For talking to his ex-girlfriend

he might break your legs.

- You got broken legs, Charley?

- No, sir.

What else did you do

besides talk to her?

The rest of the story

contains certain...

indelicacies which are

best discussed among men.

Indelicacies?

We sent out 400

wedding invitations!

The governor and both senators

are flying in from Washington!

On this morning's front page

of the Los Angeles Globe...

is a picture of you...

Bugsy Siegel,

and the bimbo getting married...

in some Las Vegas

quickie wedding chapel.

On page 12 is the announcement

of the engagement...

of my daughter

to the same man...

whose f***ing picture

is on page one.

And you want to talk

about indelicacies!

I can see you don't want

to hear my side of the story.

They're laughing at me

at every studio in town.

I make family pictures!

Families bring their kids.

Children sing songs,

and buy toy bunny rabbits...

and ducks that go

"quack" in my pictures.

I'll break your ass,

you f***ing little shithead.

Get out of my house

before I kick you out.

- I'm sorry, Adele.

- Don't talk to him.

- You'll never forgive me.

- She doesn't forgive you.!

- I'd like to explain it.

- Get the f*** out of here!

I'm not going to give up,

because I'm in love with you!

Mr. Horner,

we'll talk.

You'd better start

eating at home...

'cause you won't get into

a restaurant in this city.

You won't get a table,

a chair, a plate...

a piece of lettuce

that dropped off the tray!

You're through in this town.

You're a dead man.

In tomorrow's obituaries,

I'm puttin' in...

"Died today,

Charles Raymond Pearl.

"Cause of death...

a f***ing flaw

in his f***ing character."

Dl just want to swing with you

- d Swing with you d

- Take that down.

Charley.

This thing...

it'll pass.

Maybe not in our lifetime,

but it'll pass.

The guy's not eating.

- You gotta eat, Charley.

- I'm not hungry.

He's not hungry.

You gotta get

out more, Charley.

You can't stay cooped up

on the patio...

Iooking out at the same

panoramic view every night.

Forget it.

No woman is worth starving for.

- Just another broad.

- Adele Horner is no broad.

Thought you were

thinking of Vicki.

Have you heard from her?

- Vicki?

- No, Adele.

They won't put

my calls through.

I hear she's in San Diego.

- Adele?

- No, Vicki.

She's singing in some joint.

I just can't get that woman

out of my mind.

Which one?

Excuse me,

Mr. Charley.

There's a lady here to see you.

Even money, it's Adele.

I'll take a C-note

on the songbird.

You got my letter?

I hate you so much...

because I'm still

in love with you...

partly because you're so bad...

and partly because

you're so honest.

I don't know another man who'd

admit to his future wife...

that he'd slept

with another woman...

six days before their wedding.

I think Mr. Siegel

let you off easy.

If I had walked into that room

and saw you in bed...

I would have shot you

and her on the spot.

Especially her!

You go and write these loving

things to me on "last page,"

and I don't know what to think.

Do you still want to marry me?

- Yes, Adele.

- Why?

- I'm still in love with you.

- Why did you sleep with her?

- You won't like my answer.

- Say it anyway.

I just had to have her.

You're right, I hate it.

- Do you still see her?

- No.

- Do you still want her? Don't lie.

- No.!

A little, but it'll go away.

- Oh, Charley.

- Marry me, Adele.

I'll never see her again.

I'll stop wanting her.

- I swear.

- You're still lying.

Not to me, but to yourself.

I'm going to Europe with

my father for three months.

You should be free from

that... person by then.

I'll be home on September 9th.

You can call me

on September 10th.

Good-bye, Charley.

And so,

Adele went to Europe to think...

and Charley buried himself

in his work...

Well, playboy work.

But his heartjust wasn't in it.

Heyyy!

Ah, sh*t!

If Adele didn't

come home soon...

there wouldn't be much

of Charley to come home to.

Then, finally it came...

September 10th.

The morning line on Adele

saying "yes" was eight to five.

I took the odds

and bet on cupid.

So...

- did you miss Adele, Charley?

- Yes, sir.

- Have you been behaving yourself?

- Yes, sir.

You haven't been seeing

anyone you shouldn't be?

Yes, sir.

Sorry... no, sir.

I was young once myself,

Charley.

And I also made some

big mistakes in my time.

But I did everything I could

to rectify those mistakes.

I understand.

It would take you

That's a long time to wait

to start a family.

Yes, sir.

So here's the deal.

You get married

one week from tonight...

a simple ceremony,

no guests, quiet as a grave.

A retired judge will

do it in my study.

The servants will be

given the night off.

I'm takin' no chances on

another scandal, understand?

Perfectly, sir.

One other item.

I want you to put up

a half-a-million-dollar bond...

to be held in escrow.

At the end of the ceremony,

it'll be returned to you.

If you don't show up, you'll be the

generous benefactor of an orphanage.

- Is that acceptable?

- It's not to me!

I don't think I should have to

buy someone to marry me.

He's not being bought

to marry you...

but he's paying up

if he doesn't.

That's acceptable to me, sir.

A final item...

Not a word of

this wedding to anyone.

- If there's a leak or rumor, it's off.

- You have my word.

Put the check on

the desk in my library.

Make it out to the

Culver City Boys' Orphanage.

I regret using such foul

language at our last meeting.

It was uncharacteristic of me.

I deserved it, sir.

I'll see you here

one week from tonight.

If not, the next time you

go on a honeymoon...

you'll go as a eunuch.

Okay, two nights later...

Tony was opening at

the St. Tropez Club...

with a couple of new songs

Sammy had written just for him.

It's a big night for everybody,

very big.

- What happened with Adele?

- Nothing much. She's fine.

I can't get a word

outta this guy.

Charley, something's cooking.

I can tell.

Nothing.

I swear.

It's not my night.

Everything's going wrong.

Tony's nervous 'cause the

MGM people didn't show yet.

Then, the opening act cancels.

Laryngitis.

- Honey, what a shame.

- No opening act?

What's he need?

I would do this for Tony,

nobody else.

Relax. They got somebody else.

Just sit down.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the management regrets...

Miss Amber Wayne

will be unable to appear...

but delights presenting in her

first Los Angeles appearance...

Miss Vicki Anderson.

Jesus.

You know what the odds are

on this happening?

Impossible to one.

Every honey bee

Fills with jealousy

When they see you out

with me

I don't blame them

goodness knows

Honeysuckle rose

Don't cry

Sugar

You just have

to touch my cup

You're my sugar

She looks familiar.

Charley, isn't that...

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