The Meaning of Life

In the bleak days

of 1983,

as England languished in the doldrums

of a ruinous monetarist policy,

the good, loyal men of the

Permanent Assurance Company,

a once-proud family firm

recently fallen on hard times,

strained under the yoke of their

oppressive new corporate management.

Terrible.

Really terrible.

Row!

That's it, Evans.

You're fired.

You heard me. Out.

Did you hear that?

He's been sacked.

Sacked?

Sacked? Come on, boys.

Let's get at 'em.

Hey!

Come on! Come on!

Let me out of here!

I demand

to see my lawyer!

Tooley! Come on.

Quiet! Silence!

Now, lads, let's move.

You, you and you,

break open the weapons.

You, you and you,

into the rigging.

And you, put the kettle on.

Aye, sir.

There, there, Charles.

Sorry!

Come on, Tooley.

This way!

Weigh the anchor!

Weigh the anchor.

And so, The Crimson Permanent Assurance

was launched upon the high

seas of international finance.

Come on, boy.

Watch it. Route. Route!

Cup of tea, dear?

Hey, Captain!

Look! To starboard!

There it lay,

the prize they sought.

Hard to starboard!

A financial district swollen with

multinationals, conglomerates,

and fat, bloated

merchant banks.

All right, lads,

battle stations!

Come on! Move it! Move it! Move it!

All right, then. That's

enough. Take cover.

Down, down! Get down!

Down, down.

Hard to starboard!

Fire!

Eric! My balance sheets!

Ross! Get the readouts!

Stop him!

Eric!

Thanks!

Charge!

Come on! Grab it!

No, no! Let me! Let me!

Okay, Kane.

Cudgelled!

Gotcha!

You bastard!

Take this.

Here. File this.

Sh*t!

And so, heartened

by their initial success,

the desperate and reasonably violent

men of The Permanent Assurance

battled on until,

as the sun set

slowly in the west,

the outstanding returns on

their bold business venture

became apparent.

Once-proud financial giants

lay in ruins,

their assets stripped,

their policies in tatters.

Full speed ahead,

Mr. Cohen!

Up, up, up your premium

Up, up, up your premium

Scribble away

And balance the books

Scribble away

But balance the books

It's fun to charter

an accountant

And sail the wide

accountancy

To find,

explore the funds offshore

And skirt the shoals

of bankruptcy

It can be manly in insurance

We"ll up your premium

semiannually

It's all tax-deductible

We"re fairly incorruptible

Sailing on

the wide accountancy

Sail away...

And so, they sailed off

into the ledgers of history,

one by one, the financial

capitals of the world

crumbling under the might

of their business acumen.

Or so it would have been,

if certain modern theories

concerning the shape of the world

had not proved

to be disastrously wrong.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

What's new?

Not much.

Morning!

Good morning! Morning!

Morning!

Morning!

Frank was just asking

what's new. Was he?

Yes.

Hey, look.

Howard's being eaten.

Is he?

Makes you think, doesn't it? H mm.

I mean, what's it all about?

Beats me.

Why are we here

What's life all about

Is God really real

Or is there some doubt

Well, tonight

we"re going to sort it all out

For tonight

it's The Meaning of Life

What"s the point

of all this hoax

Is it the chicken

and the egg time

Are we just yolks

Or perhaps we're just one

of God's little jokes

Well, a, c'est

le meaning of life

Is life just a game

Where we make up the rules

While we"re searching

for something to say

Or are we just

simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay

Nay, nay, nay, nay

What is life

What is our fate

Is there heaven and hell

Do we reincarnate

Is mankind evolving

or is it too late

Well, tonight

here's The Meaning of Life

For millions

This life

is a sad vale of tears

Sitting round

with really nothing to say

While scientists say

We"re just

simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay

Nay, nay, nay, nay

So just why

Why are we here

And just what

What, what, what do we fear

Well, ce soir for a change

It will all be made clear

For this is

The Meaning of Life

C'est le sens de la vie

This is The Meaning of Life

Part one.

The miracle of birth.

One thousand and eight!

Mrs. Moore's contractions

are more frequent, Doctor.

Good. Take her into

the fetus frightening room.

Right.

Jolly good.

It's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?

Yes. Yes. More

apparatus, please, N urse.

The EEG, the BP monitor and

the AVV. Certainly, Doctor.

And get the machine

that goes "ping. "

And get the most expensive machines

in case the administrator comes.

That's it. Bring it in. Bring

it right here. Behind me.

Lovely, lovely.

Jolly good. That's better.

That's much, much better.

Yes, that's more like it.

Still something

missing, though.

H mm?

H mm.

Patient.

Patient, yes.

Where's the patient? Patient!

Anyone seen the patient?

Here she is.

Bring it over here.

Mind the machines!

Sorry, Doctor.

Come along!

Come along.

J ump on it.

Hello. Now don't you worry.

We'll soon have you cured.

Leave it all to us. You'll

never know what hit you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Drips up.

Injections.

Can I put the tube

in the baby's head?

Only if I can

do the episiotomy.

Okay.

Thank you.

Legs up.

Oh, come in. Come on in, all

of you. That's it. Jolly good.

Come on. Come along. Spread round there.

Who are you?

I'm the husband.

I'm sorry. Only people

involved are allowed in here.

What do I do?

Yes?

What do I do? Nothing,

dear. You're not qualified.

Leave it to us.

What's that for?

That's the machine

that goes "ping. "

You see? That means

your baby is still alive.

And that's the most expensive

machine in the whole hospital.

Yes, it cost over three-quarters

of a million pounds.

Aren't you lucky?

The administrator

is here, Doctor.

Switch everything on.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning. Morning, gentlemen.

Morning.

Morning, Mr. Pycroft.

Mr. Pycroft.

Oh, very impressive,

very impressive.

And what are you doing

this morning? It's a birth.

And what sort of thing

is that?

Well, that's when we take a

new baby out of a lady's tummy.

Wonderful what we

can do nowadays.

I see you have the machine that

goes "ping. " This is my favorite.

You see, we lease this back

from the company we sold it to,

and that way, it comes under the monthly

current budget and not the capital account.

Thank you, thank you. We try to

do our best. Well, do carry on.

Oh, the vulva's dilating,

Doctor. Oh, yes, there's the head.

Yes, four centimeters,

five, six centimeters.

Lights!

Amplify the ping machine.

Masks up!

Suction!

Eyes down

for a full house!

Here it comes.

And frighten it.

Thank you.

And the rough towels!

Show it to the mother.

That's enough.

Right. Sedate her.

N umber the child.

Measure it, blood-type

it and isolate it.

Okay, show's over.

Is it a boy or a girl?

I think it's a little early to start

imposing roles on it, don't you?

Now, a word of advice. You may

find that you suffer for some time,

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