The Meaning of Life Page #2

a totally irrational feeling of

depression, PN D, as we doctors call it.

So, it's lots of

happy pills for you,

and you can find out all about

the birth when you get home.

It's available on BetaMax,

VHS and Super 8.

The miracle of birth,

part two. The third world.

Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, get it, would you,

Deidre? All right, Mum.

Now whose teatime is it?

Mine!

Come on.

Out you go.

Now, Vincent, Tessa,

Valerie, Janine,

Martha, Andrew, Thomas,

Walter, Pat, Linda,

Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique

and Sasha, it's your bedtime.

Now don't argue!

Laura, Alfred, N igel,

Annie, Simon, Amanda...

Wait. I've got something

to tell the whole family.

Oh, quick. Go and get

the others in, Gordon.

The mill's closed.

There's no more work.

We're destitute.

Come in, my little loves. I've

got no option but to sell you all

for scientific experiments.

No, no, that's the way it is,

my loves.

Blame the Catholic Church

for not letting me wear one

of those little rubber things.

Oh, they've done some

wonderful things in their time.

They've preserved the might and majesty,

even mystery of the Church of Rome,

and the sanctity of the sacrament,

the indivisible oneness of the Trinity,

but if they'd let me wear one

of those little rubber things

on the end of my cock,

we wouldn't be in the mess

we are now.

Couldn't Mummy have worn

some sort of pessary?

Not if we're going

to remain members

of the fastest-growing

religion in the world, my boy.

He's right.

You see, we believe...

Well, let me put it like this.

There are Jews in the world

There are Buddhists

There are Hindus

and Mormons and then

There are those

that follow Mohammed

But I've never been

one of them

I'm a Roman Catholic

And have been since

before I was born

And the one thing

they say about Catholics

Is they"ll take you

as soon as you"re warm

You don't have

to be a six-footer

You don't have to

have a great brain

You don't have to

have any clothes on

You're a Catholic

the moment Dad came

Because

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Let the heathens spill theirs

On the dusty ground

God shall make them pay

For each sperm

that can't be found

Every sperm is wanted

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon

Spill theirs just anywhere

But God loves those who treat

Their semen with more care

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

Every sperm is useful

Every sperm is fine

God needs everybody's

Mine

And mine

And mine

Let the pagans spill theirs

O'er mountain, hill and plain

God shall strike them down

For each sperm

that"s spilt in vain

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets

Quite irate

So you see my problem,

little ones.

I can't keep you all here

any longer.

Speak up!

I can't keep you all here

any longer!

God has blessed us so much I

can't afford to feed you anymore.

Couldn't you have

your balls cut off?

It's not as simple as

that, N igel. God knows all.

He'd see through

such a cheap trick.

What we do to ourselves,

we do to H im.

You could have had them

pulled off in an accident.

No. Children, I know

you're trying to help,

but believe me,

me mind's made up.

I've given this long

and careful thought,

and it has to be medical

experiments for the lot of you.

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

Look at them. Bloody Catholics.

Filling the bloody world up

with bloody people they

can't afford to bloody feed.

What are we, dear? Protestant,

and fiercely proud of it.

Well, why do they have

so many children?

Because every time they have sexual

intercourse, they have to have a baby.

But it's the same with us,

Harry. What do you mean?

Well, I mean

we've got two children,

and we've had

sexual intercourse twice.

That's not the point. We could

have it any time we wanted.

Really?

Oh, yes. And what's more,

because we don't believe

in all that Papist claptrap,

we can take precautions.

What, you mean

lock the door?

No, no. I mean because we are members

of the Protestant Reformed Church,

which successfully challenged

the autocratic power

of the Papacy

in the mid-sixteenth century,

we can wear little rubber

devices to prevent issue.

What do you mean?

I could, if I wanted, have

sexual intercourse with you.

Oh, yes, Harry.

And by wearing a rubber sheath

over my old fellow,

I could ensure that when I came

off, you would not be impregnated.

Ooh! That's what being

a Protestant's all about.

That's why

it's the church for me.

That's why

it's the church for anyone

who respects the individual

and the individual's right

to decide for him

or herself.

When Martin Luther nailed his

protest up to the church door in 1517,

he may not have realized the full

significance of what he was doing

but 400 years later,

thanks to him, my dear,

I can wear whatever I want

on my John Thomas.

And Protestantism doesn't stop

at the simple condom. Oh, no!

I can wear French Ticklers

if I want. You what?

French Ticklers, Black

Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...

Sheaths that are designed

not only to protect,

but also to enhance the

stimulation of sexual congress.

Have you got one?

Have I got one? Well, no,

but I can go down the road anytime

I want and walk into Harry's

and hold my head up high and

say, in a loud, steady voice,

"Harry, I want you

to sell me a condom.

"In fact, today I think I'll have a

French Tickler, for I am a Protestant. "

Well, why don't you?

But they, they cannot,

because their church never made the

great leap out of the Middle Ages

and the domination

of alien Episcopal supremacy.

But despite the attempts

of Protestants

to promote the idea

of sex for pleasure,

children continue

to multiply everywhere.

The Meaning of Life, part two.

Growth and learning.

And spotteth twice they the

camels before the third hour.

And so the Midianites

went forth to Ram Gilead,

in Kadesh Bilgemath,

by Shor Ethra Regalion,

to the house of

Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,

he who brought the butter dish

to Balshazar,

and the tent peg

to the house of Rashomon,

and there,

slew they the goats,

yea, and placed they

the bits in little pots.

Here endeth the lesson.

Let us praise God.

O Lord.

O Lord.

Ooh! You are so big.

Ooh! You are so big.

So absolutely huge.

So absolutely huge.

Gosh, we're all really impressed

down here, I can tell You.

Gosh, we're all really impressed

down here, I can tell you.

Forgive us, O Lord, for this,

our dreadful toadying.

And barefaced flattery.

But you're so strong,

and, well, just so super.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes