The Meaning of Life Page #3

Fantastic.

Amen, Reverend.

Amen.

Now two boys have been found

rubbing linseed oil

into the school cormorant.

Now some of you may feel that the

cormorant does not play an important part

in the life of the school,

but I would remind you

that it was presented to us by the

corporation of the town of Sudbury,

to commemorate Empire Day,

when we try to remember

the names of all those

from the Sudbury area,

who so gallantly

gave their lives

to keep China British.

So from now on, the cormorant

is strictly out of bounds!

Oh, and, Jenkins,

apparently, your mother

died this morning.

Chaplain.

O Lord, please don't burn us

Don"t grill or toast

Your flock

Don"t put us on the barbecue

Or simmer us in stock

Don't braise

or bake or boil us

Or stir-fry us in a wok

Oh, please don't

lightly poach us

Or baste us with hot fat

Don"t fricassee or roast us

Or boil us in a vat

And please don"t

stick thy servants, Lord

In a Rotissomat

He's coming!

All right, settle down,

settle down.

Now, before I begin the

lesson, will those of you

who are playing in the match this

afternoon move your clothes down

onto the lower peg

immediately after lunch,

before you write

your letter home,

if you're not getting your hair cut,

unless you've got a younger brother,

who's going out this weekend as the

guest of another boy, in which case,

collect his note before lunch,

put it in your letter after

you have had your haircut,

and make sure he moves your clothes

down onto the lower peg for you.

Now...

Sir?

Yes, Wymer?

My younger brother's going out

with Dibble this weekend, sir.

But I'm not having my hair cut

today, so do I move my clothes...

I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.

It's perfectly simple.

If you're not

getting your hair cut,

you don't have to move your brother's

clothes down to the lower peg.

You simply collect his note

before lunch,

after you've done

your scripture prep,

when you've written

your letter home before rest,

move your own clothes

onto the lower peg,

greet the visitors

and report to Mr. Viney

that you've had

your chit signed.

Now, sex.

Sex, sex, sex.

Where were we?

Well, had I got as far as

the penis entering the vagina?

No, sir.

No, sir. No, sir.

Well, had I done foreplay?

Yes, sir.

Ah. Well, as we all know

all about foreplay,

no doubt you can tell me what

the purpose of foreplay is.

Biggs.

Don't know.

Sorry, sir.

Carter?

Oh, was it taking

your clothes off, sir?

Well, and after that?

Oh, putting them

on a lower peg, sir.

The purpose of foreplay is to

cause the vagina to lubricate,

so that the penis

can penetrate more easily.

Could we have a window open,

please, sir?

Yes. Harris, will you?

And, of course, to cause

the man's penis to erect

and harden.

Now, did I do

vaginal juices last week?

Oh, do pay attention,

Wadsworth!

I know it's Friday. Watching

the football, are you?

Boy, move over there.

I'm warning you.

I may decide

to set an exam this term.

Oh, sir!

Sir!

So just listen.

Now did I or did I not

do vaginal juices?

Yes, sir.

Name two ways of getting them

flowing, Watson.

Rubbing the clitoris, sir?

What's wrong

with a kiss, boy? H mm?

Why not start her off

with a nice kiss?

You don't

have to go leaping

straight for the clitoris

like a bull at a gate.

Give her a kiss, boy.

Suck the nipple, sir?

Good, good. Well done, Wymer.

Stroking the thighs, sir?

Yes, yes.

I suppose so.

Biting the neck.

Yes, good.

N ibbling the earlobe,

kneading the buttocks

and so on and so forth.

So we have

all these possibilities,

before we stampede

towards the clitoris, Watson.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Now, all these forms

of stimulation

can now take place.

And, of course, tonguing

will give you the best idea

of how the juices

are coming along.

Helen?

Now, penetration and coitus,

that is to say intercourse

up to and including orgasm.

Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when

my wife enters the room, Carter.

Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.

H umphrey, I hope

you don't mind.

I told the Garfields we

would dine with them tonight.

Yes, yes, well,

I suppose we must.

I said we'd be

there by 8:
00.

At least it'll give me a reason

to wind up the staff meeting.

I know you don't like them, but

I couldn't make another excuse.

It's just that I felt...

Wymer, this is

for your benefit.

Would you kindly

wake up?

I've no intention of going

through this all again.

We'll take the foreplay as

read, if you don't mind, dear.

No, of course not,

H umphrey.

So, the man starts by entering

or mounting his good lady wife,

in the standard way.

The penis is now, as you will

observe, more or less fully erect.

There we are,

that's better.

Now, Carter.

Yes, sir?

What is it?

It's an ocarina, sir.

Bring it up here.

The man now starts making thrusting

movements with his pelvic area,

moving the penis up and down

inside the vagina.

Put it there, boy.

Put it there on the table.

While the wife maximizes her clitoral

stimulation by the shaft of the penis,

by pushing forward.

Thank you, dear.

Now, as the

sexual excitement mounts...

What's funny, Biggs?

Oh, nothing, sir.

Do, please, share your little

joke with the rest of us.

I mean, obviously, something

frightfully funny's going on.

No, honestly, sir.

Well, as it's so funny,

I think you'd better be selected

to play for the boys' team,

in the rugby match against

the masters this afternoon.

Oh, no, sir!

Come on, Buster!

Well played, well played.

The Meaning of Life, part

three. Fighting each other.

Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,

you take the buggers on the left flank.

Hordern, Spadger and I

will go for the gun post.

Hang on, 68.

You'll never make it, let us come

with you. Do as you're told, man.

Righto, Skipper.

Oh, sir, sir?

If we don't

meet again, sir.

I'd just like to say it's been a real

privilege fighting alongside you, sir.

Yes, well, this is hardly the time

or place for a goodbye speech, eh?

Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,

well, we may never meet again, so...

Yes, all right, Blackitt.

Thanks a lot.

No, just a moment, sir.

Me and the lads, we've had

a little whip-around, sir.

We've bought you something,

sir. We bought you this, sir.

Oh! Well, it...

I don't know what to say.

It's a lovely thought.

Thank you. Thank you all.

But I think

we'd better get to cover...

We've got something else

for you as well, sir.

Sorry it's another clock, sir,

only there was a bit of a mix-up.

Walters thought

he was buying a present

and Spadger and I had

already got the other one.

Well, it's beautiful,

they're both beautiful.

I think we'd better

get to cover now.

I'll thank you properly

later on.

Corporal Sturridge got this

for you as well, sir.

He didn't know

about the others.

It's Swiss. Well, now, that

is thoughtful, Sturridge.

Good man.

And there's a card, sir.

From all of us,

sorry about the blood, sir.

Thank you all.

Squad! Three cheers

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