The Meaning of Life Page #4

for Captain Biggs.

H ip, hip.

Hooray!

H ip, hip...

Blackitt! Blackitt!

I'll be all right, sir. There's

just one other thing, sir.

Spadger, give him the check. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, this is

really going too far.

I don't seem to be able to find

it, sir, be in number four trench.

For Christ's sake,

forget it, man.

You shouldn't

have said that, sir.

You've hurt his feelings, now.

Don't mind me, Spadge.

Toffs is all the same. One minute,

it's all please and thank you.

The next, they'll kick

you in the teeth. Yeah.

Let's not give him the cake.

I don't want any cake.

Look, Blackitt cooked it

especially for you, you bastard.

Yeah, he saved his rations

for six weeks, sir.

I don't mean

to be ungrateful.

I'll be all right...

Blackie! Blackie!

Look at him! He worked on that cake

like no one else I've ever known.

Some nights it was so cold

we could hardly move

but Blackitt

would be out there,

slicing the lemons,

mixing the sugar and almonds.

I mean, you try getting butter

to melt at 15 degrees below zero.

There's love in that cake, this

man's love and this man's care and...

Oh, my Christ!

You bastard.

All right, we will eat

the cake. They're right.

It's too good a cake

not to eat.

Get the plates

and knives, Walters.

Yes, sir.

How many plates?

Six.

Oh, better make it five.

Tablecloth, sir?

Yes, get the tablecloth.

No, no,

I'll get the tablecloth.

You better get

the gate leg table, Hordern.

And the little lamp, sir?

Yes.

Oh, and while you're at it,

you'd better get a doily.

I'll bring two, sir,

in case one gets crumpled.

Okay!

But, of course, warfare isn't

all fun. Right. Stop that.

It's all very well

to laugh at the military,

but when one considers

the meaning of life,

it is a struggle between alternative

viewpoints of life itself.

Without the ability to

defend one's own viewpoint,

against other perhaps

more aggressive ideologies,

then reasonableness and moderation

could quite simply disappear.

That is why we'll always need an army.

May God strike me down

were it to be otherwise.

Don't stand there gawping,

like you've never seen

the hand of God before!

Now, today we're going to do

marching up and down the square.

That is, unless any of you

got anything better to do.

Well?

Anyone got anything

they'd rather be doing,

than marching up and down

the square?

Yes! Atkinson.

What would you

rather be doing, Atkinson?

Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd

rather be home with the wife and kids.

Would you now?

Yes, Sarge.

Right. Off you go.

Now,

everybody else happy

with my little plan,

of marching up and down

the square a bit?

Sarge?

Yes?

I've got a book

I'd quite like to read.

Go read your book then.

Now!

Everybody else

quite content to join in

with my little scheme

of marching

up and down the square?

Sarge?

Yes, Wyclif,

what is it?

Well, I'm learning the piano.

Learning the piano?

Yes, Sarge.

And I suppose

you want to go practice, eh?

Marching up and down the square

not good enough for you, eh?

Well...

Right! Off you go!

Now, what about

the rest of you?

Rather be at the pictures,

I suppose.

All right! Off you go!

Bloody army. I don't know

what it's coming to.

Right. Sergeant Major marching

up and down the square.

Left, right, left.

Democracy and humanitarianism

have always been trademarks

of the British Army.

Rubbish!

Shh!

And have stamped its triumph in the

furthest-flung corners of the Empire.

But no matter where or when

there was fighting to be done,

it has always been the calm

leadership of the officer class

that has made the British Army

what it is.

Excuse me.

Morning, Ainsworth.

Morning, Pakenham.

Sleep well? Not bad.

Bitten to shreds, though.

Must be that hole in

the bloody mosquito net.

Yes, savage little blighters,

aren't they?

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, Chadwick?

I'm afraid Perkins got rather

badly bitten during the night.

Well, so did we.

Yes, but I do think

Doctor ought to see him.

Well, go and fetch him then.

Right you are, sir.

Suppose I'd better go along.

Coming, Pakenham?

Yes, I suppose so.

Here, now.

Come on, boy.

Morning, Perkins.

Morning, sir. What's

all the trouble, then?

Bitten, sir.

During the night.

Oh?

The whole leg gone, eh?

Yes.

How's it feel?

Stings a bit. Well,

it would, wouldn't it?

That's quite a bite

you've got there.

Yes. A real beauty,

isn't it?

Any idea how

it happened?

None whatsoever.

Complete mystery to me.

Woke up just now,

one sock too many.

You must have a hell

of a hole in your net.

We've sent

for the doctor.

Hardly worth it, is it?

Yes. Better safe than sorry.

Yes. Good Lord, look at this.

By Jove! That's enormous.

You don't think

it'll come back, do you?

For more, you mean?

You're right. We'd

better get this stitched.

Right.

Hello, Doc!

Morning. I came as fast as

I could. Is something up?

Yes. During the night, old Perkins

got his leg bitten sort of off.

Oh, yeah.

Been in the wars, have we?

Yes.

Any headache?

Bowels all right?

Well, let's have a look at

this one leg of yours, then, eh?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,

this is nothing to worry about.

Oh, good. There's a lot of

it about. Probably a virus.

Keep warm, plenty of rest and if

you're playing football or anything,

try and favor

the other leg.

Oh, righto.

As right as rain

in a couple of days.

Oh. Thanks for

the reassurance, Doc.

Not at all.

That's what I'm here for.

Any other problems

I can reassure you about?

No, I'm fine.

Jolly good.

Well, must be off.

So it'll just grow back again,

then, will it?

U h...

I think I'd better come

clean with you about this.

It's not a virus,

I'm afraid.

You see, a virus is what we

doctors call very, very small,

so small it could not possibly

have made off with a whole leg.

What we're looking for, and this

is no more than an educated guess,

I'd like to make that clear,

is some multi-cellular

life-form

with stripes, huge, razor-sharp

teeth, about 11-foot long

and of the genus

Felis Horribilis.

What we doctors,

in fact, call a tiger.

A tiger?

A tiger in Africa?

H mm?

A tiger in Africa!

Ah, well, it's probably

escaped from a zoo.

Doesn't sound

very likely to me.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Sir! Sir!

The attack's over, sir.

The Zulus are retreating.

Oh, jolly good.

Quite a lot of

casualties, sir.

C- division wiped out.

Signals gone.

Thirty men killed in

F-section. Yes, I see.

I should think about

150 men altogether, sir.

Jolly good.

I haven't got

the final figures,

but there's a lot of seriously

wounded in the compound...

Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,

I've got a bit of a problem here.

One of the officers

has lost a leg.

Oh, no, sir!

I'm afraid so.

Probably a tiger.

In Africa?

The MO says we can stitch it back

on if we can find it immediately.

Right, sir.

I'll organize a party.

It's hardly the time

for that, Sergeant.

A search party.

Much better idea.

Sorry about the mess, sir.

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