The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected) Page #3

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That's just one man's opinion.

I found Brian very attractive.

He's baby-faced but sinewy

like an old lover of mine, willem dafoe.

And James has very firm hands.

They were very enthusiastic

about the work.

Are they interested in the house

or the art?

- I think the art.

- Both.

What do you mean, "both?" Maureen?

What do you mean "both?"

From Matthew, they're interested

in purchasing all of the work,

some of the furniture,

as well as the house.

The house? What did you tell them?

- We're open to exploring it.

- The mets are staging a comeback.

- They got first and third with no one out.

- You're thinking about selling, why?

It's very expensive to keep this place up,

and we're spending more time

at the country house now.

But the country's yours.

I had it before we were married,

but it's ours. Everything is ours now.

You're selling all the art, dad? Why?

- We don't have room for it.

- Do you want to sell?

Oh, come on.

Cabrera just grounded into a double play.

- Matt set this up?

- I told him it was a family discussion.

I think it is!

I don't think you should sell,

I'm telling you.

- I didn't expect you to get upset.

- I am! I am upset about it.

- Why do you care?

- I don't know.

- We've lived here for years.

- You haven't.

This is where Matthew grew up.

You lived in queens with your mother.

I lived here for a year when I was 16.

Your studio's here.

They want all the artwork?

I mean, dad, with a show here or there,

your work might become valuable.

That is true.

I say no.

Everyone in the family will be consulted

before we sell anything.

Matthew isn't here, you know?

Matthew... isn't in the house now!

It's a meyerowitz tradition, this house!

Well, I guess I wouldn't know about that.

I didn't mean it like that.

She gets sensitive about these things.

She feels like an outsider.

She doesn't have kids of her own.

I tell her,

"technically, you're their stepmother."

Take care of the dad!

Yes.

Will do.

Goddamn it!

The old babushka.

I remember I spent months of allowance

on that pool cue for your birthday.

Son of a b*tch!

The famous blueberry pancakes.

The "famous blueberry pancakes?"

Terry's gonna move coln

over to the bullpen.

The mets need a middle reliever.

Yes! All on one tape: Videodrome,

beverally hills cop, spelled wrong,

and... legal eagles!

You have the right to an attorney.

Looks like she's already had her attorney.

Hey...

[Laughing]

Dad, you remember that song I wrote

about that guy who worked at your studio

who you never remembered his name?

His name was Byron

But you called him myron

Three times you called him myron

Till you heard the other guy

say it with a "b"

Byron, myron

Byron, myron

What does it matter

if you look him in the eye?

Say it with confidence

and look him in the eye

Don't check out your shoes

don't glance in the sky

Say it with confidence

and look him in the eye

Myron

Eliza's first movie, okay.

She sent the link.

- What's your passcode?

- Try "Matthew."

Bum, bum, bum

The adventures of pagina man!

- When I get to college, I want to...

- What?

- You know.

- What?

Have sex.

You want to get f***ed?

- I guess.

- She doesn't want to get f***ed.

She wants to do the f***ing.

I'd be happy to...

Feel a cock on your neck?

You want to peel off a band-aid

and f*** the band-aid?

You want to put your ass on his ass,

but a cock?

That cock comes near you,

you bat it away!

Oh, honey, you have so much to learn.

Ping-pong paddle that cock.

- Ping-pong paddle...

- Wait a minute.

What if I can have both?

What if I can be both?

I've got a penis and a vagina.

Call me...

Pagina man.

Pagina man pees where they please.

Pagina man fucks who they please

when they please.

Hello?

Shut up!

Shut up.

I ought to watch this alone first,

I think.

Wow, that was a hard r.

- Oh, come on. He missed the bag.

- You could see he's safe!

- I can see this, the mets don't want it.

- Dad!

[Phone ringing]

Hello? Who?

- L.j., hey.

- They're pinch hitting for degrom.

Shh!

What's that?

He was a talented kid

when he took my class.

Yeah, I think he'd be an able assistant.

Okay, you know, doing the work.

Bard has come to me about a show.

What's the news there?

Oh, I didn't know. How are you doing?

Maureen says they're feting you

at moma... you and Tim Burton.

Right, Matisse and Picasso, too, sure.

Let's get a lunch one of these days.

Are you still in the west village?

Brooklyn!

Or to your opening?

I'm coming if you invite me.

Next Friday? Yes, I think I can make it.

Okay, I'll see you then.

That was a strike. Turn it up.

Was that l.J.?

I always liked l.J.

He says he had a prostate surgery

I didn't know about.

And I really like his work.

The early experimental work was terrific.

You know, he and I showed

at Paula Cooper in the late '60s.

Uh-huh.

I love the '80s stuff, those bears.

You like the bears?

Hmm. I guess the bears.

You know back then, I was the headliner.

I'd like to come, if that's all right.

It would be a real treat for me.

I think they're filled up.

- L.j.'s getting me in special.

- Okay.

I could see about getting you a ticket.

You might have to pay.

Okay, whatever.

Oh, god!

Your orange juice is expired,

which I just realized is possible!

Do you have black tie?

I have a herringbone blazer

and slacks with a hummus stain on the fly.

I think we might have an extra,

belonging to Maureen's late ex-husband.

Dad, no one is in tuxes.

I think I see a couple of people.

I don't see anybody.

We're Harold meyerowitz.

Okay...

You're on the list for the public viewing,

which starts in 45 minutes.

- Right now this is a private viewing.

- Tell her it's a mistake.

- Tell her l.J. Put me on the private list.

- Okay.

- Tell her. This is bullshit.

- Dad.

- We're old friends with l.J.

- Sorry, I can't let you in.

- Right now, it's a private event.

- Tell her to tell l.J...

Dad, she hears everything you're saying.

- Let's just wait for 45 minutes.

- I'm gonna go home.

Come on, dad. Dad.

My father's Harold meyerowitz.

He was a contemporary of l.J.'S,

also a sculptor.

- Danny!

- L.J.

This guy giving you trouble? Danny!

You were so damn young

the last time I saw you.

The last time I saw you was at those

Chinatown dinners you guys would throw.

Those were great!

I was living with dad that year.

- You and Matthew, always playing music.

- Yeah.

Your dad was with Julia,

I was with Maya... before the divorces.

Well, before his second divorce.

He'd already divorced my mom.

- But yeah, those were fun dinners.

- Are you going somewhere after this?

Dad said it was black tie.

- Loretta's here.

- She is?

Yeah, she's floating around

this rat-f*** somewhere.

Oh, I'll look for her.

There's the old man!

- One of my favorite artists.

- I see you stopped dyeing your beard.

Yeah. Look at you.

You guys, you're so cute.

Come, have a drink.

We're having ubrwka.

I just reread the razor's edge.

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