The Million Dollar Duck

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This...

Albert Dooley, the student voted

most likely to succeed

of the class of 1959.

[Applause]

You lovely, big success, Albert.

[Jimmy] Daddy. Daddy.

Oh. Excuse me.

Yeah, what is it, son?

Look, Daddy, here's the puppy

Eddie said he'd give me.

[Albert] Hey.

- He's a cute one.

- For only 50 dollars.

Little...

- Fifty dollars?

- Eddie says he has his own pedigree.

For that price,

he ought to have his own car.

I already picked out

a name for him.

Charlie. Good, huh?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's fine.

But that's... [laughs]

I mean, 50 dollars. You know, it's...

Well, there's licenses

and vets and shots and...

- Think of all the food.

- I'd share my food with him.

Oh, no, Jimmy. Small boys need

all the nourishment they can get.

You're not a small boy.

You could share your food with him.

Maybe next year, okay, Jim?

I'll get a job. You can rent my room and

I'll sleep in the garage with Charlie.

Please, Daddy.

- I'm sorry, Jimmy.

- I thought you and I were pals.

Hey. We are pals, pal, but...

[Albert] I mean, where am I

gonna get 50 bucks, huh?

I mean, I can't even pay these bills.

Here, Eddie. Take him.

Bye, Charlie.

Jimmy?

Pal?

[Music plays on radio]

Cinnamon.

Cinnamon...

Where's the cinnamon? I just...

Cinnamon...

Mustard.

Huh!

Uh... Curry powder.

And, uh... garlic.

Garlic?

Must be a simpler way

to make applesauce.

- [Albert] Katie.

- Yes, dear?

[Shuts off radio]

- That was Herman and the Purple Cows.

- I don't doubt it.

Katie, we're gonna have to have

another talk about economizing.

Okay, first I want you to guess what

I'm cooking, three guesses.

- Later.

- Try, um... plum pudding.

- Plum pudding.

- Wrong. Try applesauce.

- Look, now we have to economize.

- That's what I'm doing.

I'm making homemade applesauce

with apples off our very own tree.

- That's fine...

- I want you to taste it.

Tell me if you think it's too, uh...

...too ingredient.

[Straining] It's good.

Really... it's really good.

[Gasps] Think you should have

peeled the apples first?

No, see,

that's where all your vitamins are.

In the seeds, too?

Well, Albert, you should know,

you're the scientist.

Katie...

Now there must be some place...

...that we can cut down.

Now, this bill from the dress shop...

- I know where we can cut down.

- Where?

Your lunch money.

- What?

- Albert, it makes no sense.

You're spending all that money when

I could pack you a nice little lunch.

Oh, no.

Darling, that's too much bother

for you to go to every morning.

- To get up and cook me...

- Please, what is a wife for?

It's just a part of our marriage vows.

To love and obey,

till death do us in.

[Chuckles]

Thank you, darling.

And don't tip your lunch, dear,

the applesauce is on top.

Bye, sweetie.

Daddy, Eddie says

this is my last chance.

Your last chance for what, pal?

- For Charlie.

- Who?

- The puppy.

- [Katie] Jimmy.

Don't bother your father. He's got

little enough on his mind as it is.

[Jimmy] Mr. Hooper next door,

he has a dog.

He can afford to feed it,

it's a great big one.

[Albert] Mr. Hooper works for the U.S.

Treasury and they have all our money.

He could afford a giraffe.

- Finley.

- Giraffe.

[Car engine starts]

Goodbye, pal.

Oh, dear.

I wish that fool professor made enough

money so I could investigate him.

[Coughing]

[Honking]

[Albert] Morning, Fred.

[Brakes screeching]

- Why don't you just drop a bomb on us?

- It'd be a lot quicker.

Don't blame us. It was you old cats who

invented the internal combustion engine.

Peace.

[Tires screech]

You're a lawyer. Can't we do something

about those boys? Legal, preferably.

Did you say legal or lethal?

Either way, I'll take the case.

I'll take any case, man.

I need some rent money.

You too, huh?

Sometimes I wish I'd been born rich

instead of brilliant.

Morning.

- Morning, group.

- [Clucking]

Velma. Awake and ready?

- Arnold, wake up.

- [Snorting]

You two behave yourselves today.

Now, Clyde...

- You ready for a big day?

- [Chattering]

- Mr. Duck.

- [Quacking]

Are you gonna shape up today? Hmm?

For me? Please?

- [Quacks]

- Good.

If you flunk any more tests, you're

gonna be a gone goose, understand?

[Albert chuckles]

Another drop-out performance, you'll

have Dr. Gottlieb climbing the walls.

He takes a dim view

of any duck that doesn't know

a yellow button from a red one.

[Screeching]

Clyde! What's the matter?

You're eating the applesauce.

You like it?

I knew you were weird,

but that's ridiculous.

You must have got your share, too, huh?

- I'll get you bicarb of soda.

- [Gottlieb] Dooley!

- Professor Dooley?

- Yes?

What are you doing?

What about the tests?

Do you realize how far back

you're putting the schedule?

- I'm sorry...

- What's the matter with the chimp?

- Uh, he's nervous.

- Nervous?

About the test, sir.

Well, get on with it.

- No duck.

- What?

- No duck.

- But the schedule calls...

- Revised.

- I feel if we test him in...

Do you know what the data is on

the learning potential test for that...

- Minus 11.

- It might be a slow learner.

- Slow?

- [Albert] Yes, sir.

This duck could shed

some new light

on the rates of learning

of various animals.

- All right, but it's his last chance.

- Thank you, sir.

Last!

I understand.

You hear that, chum?

You gotta shape up or...

You're gonna... You got applesauce

all over your face. Come here.

[Man] Took him ten seconds last time.

Let's see if he'll do better.

[Bell rings]

Excellent.

[Man] Well, Mr. Pig, what are you

going to show us today?

Beautiful.

- Superb.

- Superb.

No, Dooley, that duck couldn't begin

to handle these tests.

Over here.

Now this is the simplest device

we've got.

The duck has had 49 hours

of practice on this one,

so it's about time

we see some results.

[Albert] Okay, duck. Go for the yellow

button, the center, the yellow button.

He's got it now.

[Ringing]

Oh, come on.

Get that stupid duck out of here.

Wait a minute. Just one more time, sir.

Just one more time.

For what? He's useless.

Completely unresponsive.

All right, fella, once more.

Yellow button, center. Center.

You don't give up.

There he goes for the red button again.

No, no, he's got it now.

He's going...

[buzzer]

[Barking]

At least he's reacting.

Oh, no.

[Gottlieb] All right, Dooley.

Get that misfit out of here.

Dr. Gottlieb. You have to admit,

that's a very interesting reaction.

[Albert] I mean, this duck

is a fascinating creature.

Okay, Frisby, what have we got here?

Gamma rays on, uh, what?

Testing some new

high resistance silicone oils.

- [Man] Phenyl type?

- [Frisby] Yeah.

[Man] What is the estimated

integrated threshold neutron flux?

[Quacking]

- What do you mean by that?

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