The Million Dollar Duck Page #2

- By what?

Well, you said "quack."

Hey, I didn't say "quack."

[Quacking]

[Man] Holy cow!

[Static]

Oh, Professor.

- Is this one of your creatures?

- Yes. How did she get in there?

You tell me.

You almost had fried duck.

Is she okay?

Oh, sure, no harm.

Just, uh, got a little jolt.

But in the future, would you please

keep your friends out of our department?

Yeah, okay.

Boy, you really blew it today.

Only thing to do now is find you

a home for retired dropouts.

- A duck?

- Yeah.

That's what it is. A duck.

But I want a puppy.

I don't want a dumb old duck.

Look, pal, I didn't

bring it home for a pet.

Then why'd you bring it?

It was either that

or let the janitor's wife fricassee it.

It was a total wash-out

at the lab and...

Wouldn't a puppy be

just as cheap to feed?

Darling, we're not gonna keep it.

Well, he really had

his heart set on a puppy.

Katie, now, we've been

through all of that.

I'm just trying to find a home

for this stupid duck.

Maybe that farmer would take it,

the one that comes around

and sells us those vegetables

I can't afford.

- You mean Mr. Gilby?

- Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, now see, dear, you're mixed up.

Mr. Gilby is the, uh, bakery truck man.

Mr. Purdham is the vegetable man.

Well, Purdham, okay.

I mean, give it to him.

It'll have a good home

on his farm.

- Probably eat better than we do.

- [Jimmy] Hey, Daddy.

I think he likes me.

Watch how he follows me.

Come on, boy. Come on. Come on.

[Quacking]

How would you like a real great name?

Charlie. You like that, Charlie?

[Quacking]

Maybe I can teach him some tricks.

Him? Good luck.

Um, Albert?

[Albert] Hmm?

Uh, I was just thinking.

Good for you.

You know, uh, instead of giving

that dumb old duck to Mr. Purdham,

uh, maybe Jimmy could

trade it in on a puppy.

Now, Katie, we settled all that, okay?

Yeah, I know, but it wouldn't cost

you anything and it might help...

Never mind.

I shouldn't even mention it.

- Mention what?

- Oh, nothing.

I'm sure you'll solve it.

Okay, Katie, solve what?

The generation gap you're creating

between Jimmy over this puppy thing.

Katie.

Oh, come on, Katie.

Honey, you know Jimmy and I have

a very good, close relationship.

Of course you do, Albert.

That's why I didn't even mention it.

[Jimmy] Daddy! Daddy, help!

Help!

Daddy, help!

He's gonna kill Charlie.

- What?

- [Hooper] Gotcha.

- Get out of here.

- [Albert] Leave that duck alone.

- Get out of my yard.

- That's our duck.

Well, get him out of my pool.

Get your hands off my skimmer.

- [Jimmy] Charlie!

- Be careful.

I got you now,

you duck-billed intruder.

[Quacking, barking]

Get your hands off my skimmer.

Attaboy, Charlie.

[Katie] Albert!

[Hooper] Duke, get that bird

off our slide.

Stop that dog!

Go, Charlie, go.

[Hooper] Bite him in the tail feathers.

Don't let him get away from you.

[Albert] Come here, duck.

Come here, duck.

If that dog lays a tooth on that duck...

- [Albert] Take your skimmer...

- Hooper, let go.

[Albert] You're gonna drown him.

Come here, duck.

If you hit our duck,

I'll report you to the sPCIA.

Call your dog, Hooper.

Get your duck out of the pool,

he's contaminating it.

[Everybody shouting]

Oh. Oh!

Get your dirty shoes

out of my pool.

[Katie] You hit my husband!

Come here, Jimmy.

Take the duck.

Hurry.

- Up the stairs, Duke.

- [Katie] Come on, Albert, hurry.

[Albert] Go on.

[Albert] Hurry before the dog gets out.

[Hooper] Duke, sic 'em. Sic 'em.

Give 'em a good one.

Get 'em, Duke. Sic 'em.

[Barking]

Finley, what are you doing in there

with your clothes on?

Can't leave you alone for a minute.

[Grumbling]

Look, Daddy. Charlie laid an egg.

[Katie] Why, Charlie, you're a mama.

[Barking]

Twins.

[Quacking]

Four eggs,

isn't that something?

I don't see how she laid any eggs

with that beast barking at her.

[Stammering] It was that beast

that caused her to do it.

Albert, they hardly know each other.

- No, no, I mean...

- I know what you mean.

Let's don't discuss it

in front of our "s-o-n."

Yeah, we learn all that

stuff in school, anyway.

No, no, no. It's a conditioned reflex.

You see, when the dog barks,

the duck lays an egg.

I don't know why.

It happened once at the lab.

That's not the way

my mother explained it to me.

Anyway, the important thing is the money

we'll save growing our own eggs.

[Stammering] We're not

eating those eggs.

I mean, this duck is, uh... strange.

Oh!

- [Quacking]

- Not that, it's an aberration.

A biological mutation.

- It is?

- Yeah.

That's a chemically mixed up duck.

It's even been radiated and...

We're not eating those eggs.

Good, then we'll hatch them.

Come on, Charlie.

[Stammering] Is that all right?

I mean, hatching them?

Oh, no. Of course not.

They probably wouldn't hatch, anyway.

Only thing to do is bury them,

which I'll do after Jimmy goes to sleep.

[Sighs]

[Fred] Albert?

- What the devil you doing?

- Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Digging a hole at, uh, midnight

in your pajamas is... nothing?

You know, I'm digging, digging.

- For what?

- Night crawlers.

Certainly lay big eggs.

[Chuckles]

Go to bed, Albert.

You're a nut.

[Gasps]

[Gottlieb] Dooley?

Yes? Yes, Dr. Gottlieb?

- You wanted to see me?

- Yes, a, uh, research problem.

Oh, uh, come on, come on.

[Gottlieb sighs] sit down, sit down.

- Well?

- Dr. Gottlieb, is it possible...

In science, anything is possible.

Yes, but could radiation alter the

molecular structure of a... substance?

From organic to inorganic?

So, uh, we're a radio-biologist now,

are we, Dooley?

Just a minute.

Yeah.

Try these for starters.

- All I wanted to know...

- [Gottlieb] The answer is yes.

But what substance?

- Like an egg.

- What kind of an egg?

Doesn't... [sighs]

- Chicken, turkey, duck?

- Duck?

- Please don't mention duck to me.

- Sorry.

Anyway, your experiment has been done.

Um, 1903.

It was, um... a young medical student

at, um, the Royal Viennese Hospital.

His name was, um, schultz or Schmaltz...

Oh, here. [laughs] Schwartz.

In... In searching

for a chemical background

for radiogenic

inflammation from radium,

Gottwald Schwartz exposed

an egg to becquerel rays.

Both the organic and inorganic

molecules suffered a change, you see?

Yes, yes, yes.

There was no change

in the white of the egg.

But there was conspicuous change

in the yolk.

Yolk, that's it. That's it.

I mean, that's [clears throat]

Quite interesting.

Didn't, uh...

...change it into any kind of, uh...

...metal, did it?

Metal?

What do you want, Dooley, gold?

Well, you said anything was possible.

Possible, yes. But...

...making a golden egg?

- That's for Aesop's Fables, isn't it?

- Yes, yes.

But, uh, gold has been made, uh,

synthetically, hasn't it?

Yes, with nuclear bombardment, but...

...we know what that costs, don't we?

It doesn't pay.

- [Phone rings]

- Excuse me.

[Gottlieb] Dr. Gottlieb.

I'll be right there.

Excuse me.

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