The Million Dollar Duck Page #3

Uh, I have to go recheck

the IQ of the chimp. [chuckles]

Hundred and forty. Higher than mine.

We've run quite a few tests

on that metal of yours.

- Yes...

- Darndest thing we ever ran across.

- But is it...

- You won't believe this report.

It's... Well, it's wild.

- Then it's not...

- Look here, Dooley.

The metal contains traces

of D-Galacturonic acid.

Now, isn't that wild?

- Do you know what that is? It's pectin.

- Pectin?

Pectin that's been

hydrolyzed under intense heat.

Pectin comes from apple peelings.

Applesauce.

No, no, it's true. And look,

it also has a trace of garlic in it.

I don't want to hear any more,

as long as it's not gold.

What do you mean?

It's practically pure gold.

- What?

- It has some weird impurities in it.

There's one element we can't even

identify. Not related to any of...

- Pure gold.

...the 103 known chemical elements.

Now, Mr. Dooley, you didn't, um...

You didn't get hold of

a moon rock, did you?

Moon rock? Me? No, no, no.

I've never even been out of California.

- Where'd you dig up this gold?

- Dig? I didn't dig.

- A plaster deposit?

- Well, yes...

It was deposited, you might say.

Thank you very much.

Wait, don't you want your report?

You paid for it.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Report, thank you very much.

So, this is an assayer's report,

so what?

So, that's why I need a lawyer.

- To help me incorporate.

- Incorporate what?

Fred, that sample

is the yolk of a duck egg.

Oh, come on, Albert.

I know how incredible this must sound

to your legal, pragmatic mind,

but in 1903,

a Viennese scientist...

You ever read Aesop's Fables?

One about the goose?

Do you think you ought to be

driving in your condition?

I'm telling you, Fred, that fable

may be scientifically feasible.

All right. Pull over, I'll drive.

Okay, skeptic.

I'm going to show you one of

those gold eggs actually being laid.

- [Brakes screech]

- Watch it, Albert.

You crazy ding-a-ling driver, Orlo!

Orlo! I'm not even in the car.

That's Arvin. Bigot.

Now you just lie there and relax

and forget all about

that nasty, old Treasury office.

Thank you, dear.

You're a good person.

[Engine revving, popping]

[Albert] Come on, Fred.

[Grunts]

I'll get the duck, make Hooper's dog

bark at it and you'll see.

Albert, I'm glad you're home.

Go upstairs and talk to Jim.

Not now. I've got news for you.

Our financial worries are over.

He's broken-hearted

because I was trying...

You're not listening. We're going

to be rich. Beyond our wildest dreams.

Oh, honey,

I always knew you'd make good.

Even when Papa kept saying, "Don't marry

that no-good, lazy, you-know."

It's nothing I did. It's Charlie.

Remember those eggs

I was going to bury?

Brace yourself. They're gold.

Uh... Don't look that way.

I'm not kidding you. It's true.

Oh, Albert, I believe you.

- What's the matter?

- I gave the duck to Mr. Purdham.

- [Mumbles]

- Albert, you told me to.

[Mumbles]

I was sorry I did,

because Jimmy's been crying...

No, no, no.

- Oh! Where does Purdham live?

- I'm not sure.

- Think, think, think.

- I am!

Oh, I'm trying.

Uh, uh, uh...

- Where does Purdham live?

- Try the cookie jar.

- The cookie jar?

- That's where I keep my addresses.

We've got to find that duck,

before anything happens to him.

[Albert] Chicken chow mein.

Purdham. Purdham. Oak Road.

Come on.

[Albert] Get in the car, Fred.

[Engine revving]

[Jimmy] Hey, Daddy, wait.

Well, look, I'll, uh...

Guess I could...

...give you five dollars for it.

Well, I know I never

turn down a good deal.

You'll find the duck in the pen,

back of the barn yonder.

Thanks.

Hello, Mr. Purdham.

[Quacking]

[Albert] Oh, no. There's got to be

a million of them.

[Jimmy] Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie. Charlie.

Charlie. Where are you, Charlie?

This is getting us no place.

This duck doesn't respond

to normal things, like its name.

- You know what we need?

- A good psychiatrist.

- No.

- [Calling for Charlie]

We need something

it does respond to.

Start barking, Fred.

It's our only chance, Fred. Bark.

[Barking]

Wait a minute.

What am I doing?

A sane adult, with a law degree

crawling around a barnyard,

barking at fowls?

Trying to find some stupid duck

who lays solid gold...

solid gold eggs!

I'll never see Charlie again.

Come on, we're not going

to give up till we're licked.

We'll find him. Charlie?

[Barking, quacking]

[Katie calling Charlie]

Hey, where you going?

They're getting away from us!

Come on, Fred.

Whoa, whoa. Come back.

Get back here. Go back, ducks.

- They're getting into the pond.

- Head them off.

Back, you ducks! Get back!

Get them out of the water.

Get them back on the shore.

Here, here.

What's going on?

- You said only one duck.

- Something happened to the gate and...

And get these critters

back in the pen.

- [Katie] Get back.

- [Purdham] Back, back.

- [Barking]

- Back, back.

Charlie.

Charlie! Oh, Charlie!

Daddy, I found him! I found Charlie.

Hey, wait.

Come back, help me.

- I knew I'd find her.

- You sure it's her, son?

I know it is. It's Charlie.

Well, there's one way to find out.

Hold her on the ground, Fred.

Maybe only Hooper's dog can do it.

No reflection on you, dear.

[Barking]

Why, Albert, you don't

sound like Hooper's dog at all.

Uh, he goes more like...

[barking]

Hey, I think she's got it. Pitch.

Pitch. It might be a matter of pitch.

[Ding]

Come on. Yeah, Charlie.

What do you think now, skeptic?

Baby,

you're looking at a believer.

Figuring it's weight in troy ounces,

at the pegged gold price,

that's over 900 bucks a yolk.

That's right.

If she laid four eggs in,

how long did you say?

- About ten minutes.

- Uh, that would be...

...over 20,000 dollars an hour.

And if she worked

a six-hour day, uh,

give or take a couple

of coffee breaks, uh,

corn breaks.

Al, baby!

We're talking about

a 100,000 dollar a day business.

That's right. If I can find the formula

to keep her producing.

Oh, you'll do it. You'll do it.

The big problem is, how do we

legally protect our fortune?

"Our" fortune? What do you mean,

"our" fortune?

Look, Al, sweetheart,

I'm only trying

to save you money.

By making me a partner, you'll save

all those exorbitant lawyer's fees.

- Uh-huh.

- I'll have to devote full time,

figuring how to incorporate a duck,

and not have the

internal revenuers on our neck.

I got your clothes

all nice and dry for you.

Oh, fine.

How did you manage to do this, Katie?

Oh, it was no trouble, really.

Thanks.

Anyway, the thing to do is sit tight

until I figure things out.

And don't tell anybody

about this, especially, uh...

- Hooper?

- Right.

We don't want that government

stool pigeon snooping around.

The first thing I'm going to do is

get rid of that junk heap I'm driving.

I saw the most fantastic

yellow sports car.

Hold it.

- Don't spend any of that money yet.

- What?

Make no changes

in your living standards.

- You mean not pay our bills?

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