The Miracle Woman Page #6

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I wanna go home.

If you'll clear out,

I can get dressed now.

Did you read the evening paper?

No.

We're on the front page again.

Take a look.

The cops are screwy.

It's a plain case of suicide.

Hornsby, did you have

anything to do with this?

Me? Why, I haven't seen

Welford in over a week.

I suppose there'll be a couple

of d*cks around to see us.

If they should happen to get

to you when I'm not around,

I advise you not to hold out

anything you may know about it.

What could I know about it?

You know as well as I do,

he was drinking like a fish.

He was despondent,

he had hallucinations.

Briggs, bring in

last week's report.

Suicide, plain as day.

Still, I suppose there'll be

a couple of cops snooping around.

It might be a good idea

for us to call time-out.

What do you mean?

Well, I've been thinking we ought to

pull up stakes and get out of here.

You need a change.

Not that kind of a change.

No? Well, what

do you suggest?

I suggest that you get rid

of those shillabers!

We don't need them around here

anymore, and I'm through with them.

Is that so?

Well, get this.

We made a deal,

and it's worked out.

I delivered all

I promised you and more.

When I ran into you,

you were flat on your back.

Now you've got all the money

you want. You've got a swell flat,

a car, a chauffeur,

all the clothes and doodads

a woman could possibly want.

What's got into you?

What more do you want?

Come on.

Come clean.

Come clean,

that's what I'd like to do.

We don't need these fakes.

I wanna play square.

Then why don't you play square

with me. You think I'm blind?

What becomes of you after services

every night? Where do you go?

Where I please.

You don't own me.

No. But I hold sort of

a first mortgage.

And it won't be safe

for anyone to try to horn in.

You made a squawk around here

about your being a prisoner.

Sure you are, and I'm going

to keep you a prisoner,

because I'm nuts about you.

I fell for you the first

time I ever saw you.

Let go of me!

Hornsby, if you

ever do that again...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

We did 8,300 last week, sir.

Where are you going tonight?

Home.

That's right.

Early to bed and early to rise...

makes a lady healthy and wise.

I think Ill go home myself.

Well...

see you in church.

Home, Mr. Hornsby?

No.

Drive me to Sister Fallon's apartment.

- Twenty-two, 23, 24.

Many happy returns.

Oh, wait.

Don't rush me into

another year like that.

It's four more minutes

until my birthday.

Just time enough for...

Are you a teetotaller?

No, not annoyingly so.

Good.

Here's something I've had for

a long time, over ten years.

I got it in Paris.

Real Napoleon. Look.

1804?

The year of the great vintage.

Just think. It was bottled over

100 years before you were born.

I've been saving it

for something special.

Something particularly,

specially, extra special.

Now, if you'll hold

your breath for a moment...

Here's looking at you.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

Happy birthday!

Speech! Speech!

Mr. Chairman,

Al,

ladies and gentlemen,

unaccustomed as I am

to public speaking,

I wanna take this opportunity

to thank our host

for this wonderful banquet.

Hear, hear!

I've eaten, I've drank

and I've laughed.

And if our host had done

nothing else for me,

I should be forever grateful to him

because he taught me how to laugh.

I've never had

a birthday party before,

and Ill never forget this one,

that's a promise.

And it reminds me of a promise

I made to a young man

a few weeks ago on the

platform of the tabernacle.

I wonder if he remembers.

He remembers.

With all my heart...

I hope it comes true.

And now we'll hear

from our host.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen.

You too, Al.

I want you all to close your eyes

for a moment and keep them closed.

Now what do you see?

Nothing.

Well, when you can't see the

world, you invent one of your own.

And, folks, mine's

been a lovely world,

since the guest of the

evening came into it.

I've never met

anyone like her.

Even before we met,

she saved my life.

And since that,

she's changed it.

I never thought much

about God before.

But I do now. He must

be fine and wonderful

if she believes in him.

There! I'm not the one that's gonna

bore you with speechmaking tonight.

I'm only here

to introduce them.

We have with us tonight

a man who is so well-known,

he doesn't need

any introduction.

I take great pleasure

in presenting...

that bon vivant,

that accomplished rake,

that experienced traveller,

the donnest of Don Juans,

the rummiest of Romeos,

Aloysius K. Eucalyptus.

Hooray!

Mr. Eucalyptus to you.

Just Uke to you.

[LAUGHING]

Ladies and gentlemen.

You too, Carson.

Naturally, I was asleep

while our distinguished host

was addressing you,

which reminds me of the story

of the travelling salesman...

Oh, we've heard that one.

- And the farmer's daughter.

We've heard that one too.

Thanking you very much

for your kind attention,

ladies and gentlemen,

I remain very truly yours, Al.

Good night, kiddies!

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Have a good time, Sister?

Marvellous, Al.

[HICCUPS]

Are you sober?

Yes, Your Honour.

All right, then,

say, "Truly rural."

Tooly, rooly rural.

Acquitted!

Next case.

Are you sober?

Positively.

Thirty days!

Sister, I was hoping

he was lit up too.

Why, Al?

If he was plastered,

he might have nerve enough

to tell you something.

Go on, Carson.

Tell her in your own words.

JOHN:
If I could be sure

she wouldn't laugh at me.

AL:
Suppose she does

laugh. Tell her anyway.

Go on, get it off your chest.

I won't laugh.

You hear that?

Tell her, Carson.

All she can say is no.

You tell her, Al.

All right.

Here goes.

Sister, he wants

to tell you he...

He...

I must've lost

my key someplace.

Ill do as much

for you sometime.

Thank you.

[SINGING "THE FARMER

IN THE DELL"]

Have a good time?

You wouldn't be interested.

What do you want?

We're bowing out, Sister.

We're blowing this way station

on a one-way ticket.

Not me. I like this town.

So I notice.

But we're going away...

on account of your health.

There's nothing

the matter with me.

Oh, yes, you're overworked.

You're on the brink

of a nervous collapse.

Don't take my word for it.

Look.

I went out at 4:
00 in the morning,

especially to get a copy of the paper for you.

"Quitting on doctor's orders."

And I'm the doctor.

Hornsby, you're going to send out

a denial of this story right away.

How come?

I'm not going to Palestine.

Of course you're not. The

newspapers think it's Palestine.

My idea of the Holy Land

is the south of France.

Monte Carlo,

champagne, roulette,

and your old pal

Hornsby around,

just to keep it from being

a Cook's tour.

I'm not going to Monte Carlo

with you, or anyplace else.

Ill tell you what Ill do.

Ill compromise with you.

Ill give you your choice

of two places:

Monte Carlo or...

jail.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know this:

I always keep my word,

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