The Monster Squad

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(THUNDER)

(THUNDER)

(WIND HOWLS)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(BAT SCREECHING)

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAK)

(INSECT CHIRPING)

(BATS SQUEALING)

(NEIGHING)

(BARKING)

(SHOUTS)

(DOG BARKS)

(HORSES NEIGH)

(HISS)

Aah!

Three minutes. The girl. Now!

Let's hurry a bit, shall we?

(GIRL CHANTING IN GERMAN) Come on!

Faster, faster!

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(THUNDER)

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)

(ROARING) (SCREAMING)

Read!

Or we're all gonna die!

Uhh...

(WHIMPERING)

(SHOUTING)

Aah!

Aah!

No! Come back

(SCREAMING)

Aah!

(SCREECHING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(MAN) Well, well, well.

Are you two sitting comfortably?

Good. Now. Gentlemen.

Do you see these file folders?

The ones with your names on them?

Can you guess what's in these file folders?

I'll give you a hint.

Discipline reports.

Lots of them.

And some wonderful artwork as well.

This is...?

Spider with human head?

I'm sorry. Spider? With human head.

Yeah. He eats dogs and cats and rabbits.

Does he?

Sean thought him up. You see, Sir, we kinda have this monster club, okay?

And we draw those pictures to put on our clubhouse walls.

Correction, Mr. Crenshaw.

You draw pictures during Mrs. Carlson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention.

Wait. I just want to say one thing.

I mean, Ms. Carlson's a nice teacher and all, but she's boring and has an odd-shaped head.

That's why Sean and the guys call her "Meow Mix,"

'cause her head's shaped like a cat head.

But I don't, Sir, 'cause... how rude.

(CHUCKLES)

Boys...

I hear you.

(CHUCKLES)

I was a kid once.

I thought monsters were cool.

And maybe, well... well, gosh... maybe I'm just a big kid, because, Sean, Patrick...

...I think science is cool.

I dig it, man.

(LAUGHS)

Now, I'm sure both of you know a great deal about monsters, but that's not the issue here. The issue is...

...science is real.

Monsters are not.

We don't know that, Sir.

God, can you believe Mr. Metzger?

Tell me about it. He touched me and patted my shoulders and stuff.

The guy was fully homo-ing out.

I smell like the '40s.

I mean, when they send you to school, why don't they tell you about the homos and people with cat heads...

Ooh! Oh!

Sorry, Mrs. Carlson.

Meow. Meow.

She's married, Sean.

Oh, my God! Some guy kisses her at night?

I mean, a priest said, "I now pronounce you man and wife," and it was okay with him?

Hey. Where's Fat Kid?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show.

Tonight's question What makes Fat Kid fat?

Fat kid?

Get out of here, E.J.

"Get out of here, E.J." Nope.

Not a good answer. Doesn't make any sense.

Let's go to our man on the street. Derek. Hi. I'm Derek, and I'm in the street where Fat Kid is blocking traffic.

Fat Kid, can't you stop eating?

Look, I have a glandular problem, okay?

At least I don't have a... stupidity problem.

What'd you say, f*ggot? What'd you say?

My name's Horace!

Horace.

Whore-ass.

Oops. I tore it.

I guess I must have a stupidity problem.

(WHISPERS) What'd you say, f*ggot? What'd you say?

I said, "You're an a**hole."

(GASPING)

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(CHILDREN FALL SILENT)

Hey, Rudy.

E.J.

See you met my friend Horace.

You okay?

Rudy, I, uh... Shh!

You dropped your Candy bar, E.J.

It's his.

It's your now.

(VOICE CRACKS) Rudy... Eat.

Rudy, I'm not gonna... Eat up!

And we'll call it a day.

(CHILDREN GROAN)

Look, Patrick, I told you before, Wolf man cannot drive a car. Yes, he can.

No, he can't! Yes, he can.

All I'm saying is, Sean, he could if he had to.

He could not. You're being such a dork!

I know you are, but what am I? A dork.

I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, great. A feeb. A dork.

I know you are, but what am I? A dork.

I know you are, but what am I? Infinity! Look, Wolf man doesn't go to work. He's not, like, a guy.

What are you talkin' about?

He walks around. He wears pants.

He had to wear pants 'cause those movies were made in the '40s.

He had to wear 'em so you wouldn't see his... wolf dork.

Wolf dork?

(GIRL) You guys!

I saw him. He was watching us.

Who?

Scary German Guy.

Sean, he give me the creeps.

Oh, he's just a dude on welfare.

Maybe he's a German spy.

Oh, good one. We're not at war with Germany anymore.

We're at war with Vietnam.

What?

It's in Rambo.

You guys missed it! Oh! Fat Kid!

Rudy saved my life!

Do you think we could talk him into joining the Monster Club?

Can we?

Huddle. Huddle.

Sean, he's in Junior high.

(GIRL) I hear he killed his Dad.

Get out of here, Phoebe the Feeb!

Okay, you guys. We should let him in on one condition.

(ALL) Monster test.

You guys! I saw Scary...

I saw him!

I saw Scary German Guy!

He was watching!

(MAN) I'm depressed.

What for? What do you mean, what for?

I'm flyin' a World War II bomber with wooden crates in it and dead bodies.

I should have a party?

Do they complain? Do they get airsick?

Do they ask for more of the little almond things?

You're right.

This is a great job. I'm really happy.

(THUD)

I thought they were dead.

They are.

I'm goin' to, uh...

I'm gonna check it out.

Okay. Good.

You do that.

I'll stay here and make spooky sounds.

(ANIMAL SQUEAKS)

(SCREECHING)

Aah!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Where are you, you son of a b*tch?

(GRUNTING)

(MAN MOANS)

Oh...

Uhh!

(SQUEAKING)

(FROGS CROAKING)

(SCREECHES)

(FAT KID) Two ways to kill a vampire.

(SEAN) Good one, Fat Kid. Excellent question.

(RUDY) Uh, stake through the heart.

(SEAN) RIGHT. (FAT KID) What else?

(PATRICK) Oh, real good.

(SEAN) EUGENE. (EUGENE) I wasn't talking.

Get him in a muzzle, will ya? It was Pete.

(RUDY) You guys meet up here a lot, or, uh...

Every day.

(PATRICK) Do we meet up here a lot?

Eugene! Man! (DOG BARKS)

Eugene, make Pete shut up.

(FAT KID) Do you really think that was a good question?

(SEAN) Rudy! Are you gonna listen or look out the window?

(PATRICK) I told you he didn't want to be in the club.

Lighten up, Patrick.

(RUDY) No way!

Hey, we're tryin' to do the test here, you know.

You're gonna piss him off.

I'm beginnin' to like this club.

Rudy! Come on. It's a monster test.

It's important. Okay?

Second way to kill a vampire.

Mmm... I give up.

Daylight.

Sunlight. Ha ha ha! Fat Kid, what other kind of light is there durin' the day?

Go away, Pete! Okay, question two.

Is Frankenstein the name of the monster or the guy who made him?

The guy. Right.

(KNOCK KNOCK)

Can't you read?

Mom said you have to let me in the club, or else it's prescruption.

That's discrimination, jerkoid.

"Prescription" is drugs, which you're on if you think you're gettin' up here.

Come on, Sean! I know about monsters.

Come on! Let me in the club! Two ways to kill a werewolf.

Silver bullet?

And?

That's it. Shoot him with a sliver bullet.

Nope. Sorry, Rudy.

Ha ha!

Okay, so, what's the other way?

What?

Second way to kill a werewolf?

Um... Car crash?

Accident with power tools?

Old age? Falling out a window.

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