The National Health Page #2

Our haemophiliac's haemorrhaged.

Come along, ladies, come along!

Knickers on! Stand by your beds!

Them as can't stand, lie to attention!

Oh dear, oh dear.

Come on, Doctor, hands off!

Give it a rest, you'll be going blind.

- Ssssh!

What?

- Dr Bird.

- Oh.

Do you get cramps at all?

Funny you should mention that. I do get

these, er, what I call cramps, in the leg.

Have trouble getting

your foot off the ground?

Funny you asking that, I've said

I don't know how many times,

I have trouble getting

my foot off the ground.

Shocking sight, a man being fed

like a baby, through a spout.

Is that a lovely drink then,

Mr Flagg?

I can drink my tea and eat my dinner!

Yeah, course you can.

- Oh, Mr Barnet, be a good fellow.

- What?

You could get them to get a move on

with my shoes and socks, couldn't you?

Where can I go without them?

Yeah, well, perhaps your wife'll

bring 'em in when she comes, eh?

Till then, what about a spot

of fresh air on the balcony?

Rely-poly, on your bot-bot!

'Ere, and when she does come,

no funny business!

- What do you mean?

- Well, pulling her into bed, eh?

Don't make him laugh too much,

he hasn't got a bottle!

I don't want a bottle. I'm not a baby.

Shan't we put him in the chair?

No, let's walk him,

he needs the exercise.

Yeah. Might make him a touch

less lively when his wife comes in.

- There's a clever boy!

- Go it, Doctor!

Which is why they invented rugby!

Keeps their minds off it.

I didn't hear that remark.

I used to be a scrum-half.

I could run like a rabbit.

Yeah. Not only run!

- Ooh, look out, he's doing it.

- Oh, God help us!

- You hold him, I'll get the chair!

- Why didn't you have a bottle?

I don'! want a bottle!

I'm not a baby!

You're gonna fall!

Naughty boy! You all right?

He caught me across the ear.

Here, have a lie down.

Here, I'll get the screens.

Dr Bird?

Are you all right?

I've been on duty

for twenty-nine hours!

Why are you keeping him

alive like a baby'?

Thank you, Mr Mackie!

You know he'll never walk again!

Save it for a more suitable occasion.

We know it. His wife knows it!

- But you have to keep the farce going.

- Tell us the same old story

- La la la la la la

- I'll get him a fresh pair of knickers.

Right, Dr Rees,

get those trousers, shall we?

There we are! There!

Spot of bother with Dr Rees.

He Welsh or something?

Welsh, yes.

Thought I could tell the brogue.

Stroke. Spunky old blighter!

Next to him, er, Mr Flagg.

Bladder trouble and complications.

By the door, Mr Mackie.

Not very cheerful looking,

any of them.

I've found that if they keep you in the end

bed, you can prepare to meet your maker.

Our aim is to, er, work our way along,

to the farthest window by the balcony.

I'm Mervyn Ash, er, tummy ulcer.

Been in here a fortnight so far.

On a blotting paper diet.

Tapioca, semolina, boiled fish, chicken.

The merest glimpse of semolina

makes me heave.

It always has, don't ask me why!

I was horribly depressed

when I came in here.

Largely because I abhor my work.

Clerical. I'm a clerk, if you please.

I see in the daily rag, now, where

they've got a computer thingamajig,

can perform a clerk's entire life work

in ten minutes!

Marvellous, isn't it?

Oh, highly gratifying!

But, er, I've known better things.

There's the jolly old rub.

Handling the young is my vocation.

My first year at a teacher's college

was a benediction!

And even though ten years of pen-pushing, d'you

know, I've never lost my interest in boys.

That's Gordon.

He's what I call my adopted boy.

At this super-duper private school

I put him to in Kent.

Er, got no clothes on, has he?

Swimming trunks! Ha!

Flesh coloured?

- Yeah.

- Mmm-hmm.

A few more white lives saved, Nurse.

Another good day's work.

To me, of course,

they're just a few more lives.

Maybe I'm a square.

Only a square would use

such antique phraseology.

I'd prefer to call you

politically illiterate.

What girl could resist such flattery?

- Face facts, Cleo.

- What facts, Mr Monk?

Like if we all decided to go back

where we came from,

their health service would

instantly disintegrate.

I'm sorry, Johnny.

But I'm too fatigued

to start school at this time of night.

Gonna look for Mister White?

Let me pass.

Please.

'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!

You lot 'ere again?

'Allo, dad, how are you?

Just finished the washing up.

A woman's work is never done!

Hello, Doc! How's the Doc

this beautiful evening?

- Evening all!

- Evening! Wonderful spirit.

Go on.

How do you do?

He's gone, doctor! He's gone!

Oh, friend Tyler

is always full of beans.

Me, I'm up and down like a yo-yo.

Mainly down. Phew!

Which accounts for the ulcer,

I suppose. Ha!

They can't keep you in here!

Easy, friend. Hold your horses.

Ha! Nobody said they can!

Once they've found out who I am.

Once they can tell me that,

I'll be out of here like a...

what-do-you-call-it?

Who you are?

Once the police get on to that.

Not that I want them sticking

their noses in my business.

I didn't ask them to!

Know what I mean?

- Ready for visitors?

- Yes, Sister.

How long do you think

you'll be here, eh?

Good gracious, it's about time you...

Eh? Mervyn, he's doing all right.

Doin' fine, yeah.

Don't you know who you are?

No. That's what they brought me

in here with, my memory.

Did you receive a blow on the head?

No.

Brandy!

But let them try to get me to take the

cure, they got another think coming!

Neil?

The patient with the retro-pubic

prostatectomy has a self-retaining catheter

and ward sister's been reminded of the liability

to deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolus.

- Mary?

- Yes?

- Father called me to his office today.

- Oh?

- He wanted to speak to me about...

you.

Me?

Yes. You, and...

Me and... him?

No, me.

You?

You and... me.

- Us.

- Yes.

To remind me of our

promise to mother.

Do you remember that promise, Mary?

Your mother was almost

a mother to me, too, Neil.

How could I forget?

But mother died, five years ago.

I was only twenty, and...

and I was twenty-six.

What are you trying to say, Neil?

Neil!

Neil?

Oh!

Cleo. Mary and I...

There's something we have to tell you.

Cleo!

With a change of clothing.

Get back, you! Hey! Hey, mister!

You all right, Doc?

Yeah. How is the old fellow?

Now, now, Mr Flagg,

where do you think you're off to?

It's half past twelve,

there's nowhere open.

Whoops-a-daisy!

You shouldn't be doing this, Desmond.

I'm all right.

I was afraid he'd start

to tear his bandage off.

You all right, now, Doc?

He'd open the scar,

he'd know all about it.

Are you one of the nursing staff? No!

No, Ash! Tummy ulcer.

Oh, nothing to worry about.

You'll soon be out of here.

Unlike poor old Flagg,

and you, sir... what's your name?

Foster.

They won't be with us long,

I'm afraid.

Baloney, Doctor. So much baloney!

Back to bed, Desmond, I can manage.

Flagg had chronic urethritis,

makes your dicky sore.

Leave it to the doctors!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes