The National Health Page #3

I am a doctor!

Yes.

See the way I fell down?

Went to walk and...

in my youth I could run like a rabbit.

Area High Jump Champion!

There, there.

I beg your pardon.

We're a highly emotional people.

Ask anyone.

Sentimental and sloppy, if you ask me.

We didn't ask you!

Sleep well.

Could I bother you for a bottle?

I want to wee-wee.

Thank you, Mr Ash.

Go back to bed, now.

- Night, Staff.

- Night.

Tell you what, me old mate.

You talking to me?

If you could see your way

through letting me have a drink?

Which would you like?

- What about brandy?

- Ovaltine or Horlicks?

I've got the shakes!

Go to sleep now.

Have a sleeping draught.

You can't keep me in here!

Belt up!

Go to sleep now. Hmm?

Could you send a duty

doctor to Stafford Cripps Ward, please.

Sometimes the nurses do it,

sometimes us.

So you've got to be conversant

with the modus operandi.

Now, I like to see my apparatus all laid out

like a tea service, with a nice while cloth,

quite brings me on to see that,

you know.

Look at this.

Washbowl, sponges, nail brush,

file, safety razor, scissors,

tweezers, cotton wool,

carbolic soap, shroud.

Three labels, ball point pen.

All of 'em covered with a sheet.

That's in case one of

the other patients,

catching a butcher's,

thinks it's all for him.

Right!

Now you are behind the screen, right?

First, you strip the patient down,

and wash him spotless with carbolic.

Cut the nails,

they can snag the shroud.

Shave the face, trim the head.

Comb what's left.

'Cause relatives, they don't want to

find themselves mourning a scruff.

Ha, do they?

Next, cotton wool.

Any suggestions what I do with that?

Nah, no, don't, don't!

Because it happens, Les,

you would be absolutely right.

We have to close the orifices.

The points that might

evacuate bodily fluid. Right?

Miss one out, and they/ll

raise Cain in the mortuary.

Right. Next, tie the hows-your-father

with a reef knot. Obviously.

I didn't hear that remark.

Oh, it's all right, Nurse.

We'll all be getting it sooner or later.

Even you. Ha ha.

Well, in a manner of speaking.

Pete Barnet!

Yeah, well, all that remains

is to tally the patient. Name, religion.

A label each at wrist and ankle,

and one sewn into the shroud.

Right, Les, will you be mother? Hm?

Mornin', Mervyn!

Mtho... morning to you, friend!

Lovely morning!

Wonderful spirit!

It's like royalty going to

the toilet, isn't it, eh?

What? No, listen.

If the Monarch is unusually tall,

attentive observers

can spot that coronet bobbing up and down

all the way to the velvet convenience!

I Roll along, covered wagon

Roll along, roll along

Roll along, covered wagon,

roll along...

- Good morning.

- Morning.

- There is no death.

- Get away!

Do you know, in England today,

we've got as high a standard of dying

as you'll find anywhere in the Free World.

- Get away!

- Straight up.

- Morning, chaps.

- Morning.

Right? ho-.

His dentures.

Oh, thank you.

Oh God our help in ages past

Our hope for years to come

Be thou our guide while troubles last

And our eternal home

Wonderful spirit!

What's his trouble?

Diabetic. Six times in here

in the last two years, they say,

and every time an amputation.

First his feet, then his calves.

- Then his knees.

- All right, me old mate.

- But always a joke.

- Got to keep smiling.

Post!

One for you, Mr Ash.

It's from my boy Gordon!

Perhaps to say he's coming to see me.

And the last for Mr Flagg.

Hmm? Hm!

Shall I read to you?

Ooh, there's a funny man

with no clothes on.

He's all red because he's blushing.

"I'm covered in confusion,

I'm a crazy goon,

"I forgot to tell you,

to get well soon - Daddy-oh!"

Looks like they forgot to sign it.

Still.

- That letter for me?

- Dr Rees.

Is he coming in then?

I... I didn't expect it really.

Um, they're having

a barbecue at the school,

and he's got to be there,

I accept that. Ha!

Oh, this is hell.

I must speak with you.

Won't Sister Macarthur

be wondering where you are?

But it was she who told me

to come and speak to you.

I've been telling her all about... us.

You mean, you and me.

X-105 G, please

remove it from the space reserved.

- Morning, Sister.

- Morning, Mr Carr.

The coppers found out

who he is yet, Sister?

Not yet, sir.

Came in complaining of severe cramps

and loss of memory.

Sounds like a clear case

of Brewer's Measles.

I thought he had a

history of alcoholism, sir.

Exactly, Dr Bird.

Now, what's your poison, mister?

Er, b-b-brandy, sir.

Subject to wind?

Well, like anyone, sir, r-r-repeating.

Hmm. Open your mouth.

Fouling the air?

Let's open your mouth.

Yes, well, you come into theatre tomorrow,

and I'll, er... have a look at you.

Tell you what, sir.

I'll be all right

once they find out who I am.

Once they get onto that, I'm...

Persuading him to take the cure?

Er, y-yes, sir.

I see you want an oesophagoscopy.

Yeah, well, we ought to know

what his insides are like, sir.

An illicit still, I should imagine.

All right, mister.

An oesophagoscopy is what, exactly?

Now, let me see...

Never mind that!

Oesophagoscopy?

Er, I had it on the tip of my tongue.

That's a funny place for it.

Usually down the throat.

Of course.

Tube down the oesophagus,

taking care not to

knock his teeth out.

You all right, Dr Bird?

Now, the next mister.

Now his, er...

his duodenal's failing to respond

to a medical regimen.

- Are we agreed on a Polya gastrectomy?

- Yes, sir.

Absolutely, sir!

Well, mister,

getting enough milk puddings?

The merest sight of semolina

makes me heave, Mr Carr.

Don't ask me why.

Lovely grub!

Now let's have a look at you.

Still worrying about yourself?

I get depressed, Mr Carr. I'm never

what you call "on top of the world".

I abhor my work.

Find a hobby. Brass rubbing.

Basket making

Tummy's still not much better.

Will you come into theatre tomorrow,

and I'll do a spot Of embroidery.

- Physically, I'm not too bad, sir.

- I'll take away a bit of your stomach.

You'll soon learn to live without it.

Ah, mister!

Your bum any better?

Feeling sore, is it?

You won't see me down no theatre!

As soon as they can bring me

in my clothes, I'll be off.

And I thought I was on the mend.

He'll fix you up. Don't worry.

Some of these doctors, half the

time they tell you not to smoke,

half the time they're smoking

more than what you or I do!

You look at Churchill.

Churchill weren't a doctor.

I never said he was.

Well, what's he got

to do with it, then?

You look at the way he smoked!

Yeah, but he never

told you not to smoke.

Three weeks of tapioca

down the drain.

Good morning...

So!

This is where you live,

in bachelor splendour!

Oh, that's mother.

She's very beautiful.

She... was.

Yes.

Oh, and that's Mary and me.

She used to take me to school.

I was six years younger, you see.

We were like brother and sister.

That's all, Cleo. That's all there's

ever been. You must believe that.

Yeah...

I'm sorry I ran off that way.

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