The Next Best Thing Page #2

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- Yeah, give this punk the keys, Kev.

- You left a few things at home.

- Toothbrush. Ha!

- A toothbrush?

- A girl's best friend: knee pads!

- Knee pads!

- Nair.

- Nair!

- Kevin!

Oh, one more thing.

You forgot these.

- Oh, man!

- You slut!

Want the keys? Huh?

Get the hell outta here!

Kev, those rubbers

wasn't even lubricated, dog.

Oh, look what you

made happen, Kev.

- You're not gonna even

walk her to the car?

- Oh, that's funny.

Go suck it down, Kev!

Come on. Hurry up.

Get in the car.

Yes! Hurry up!

Won'tstop

Neverunderestimate us

- Can'tstop

- Thanks, Mary.

You're welcome, Muriel.

- Neverunderestimate us

- Drive!

- Ooh! This is madness!

- Can'tstop

I'm so glad you guys are here.

If it weren't foryou,

I'd feel like I was crashing

my own boyfriend's funeral.

Who are the pallbearers?

Ugh. A grab bag ofJoe's relatives

he couldn't relate to.

Wouldn't participate in his life,

but they'd drive across three states

to attend his funeral.

What's he wearing in there?

I said his favouritejeans and

a T-shirt. They said, "No, a suit."

So I said, "Okay, fiine. That black

St Laurent double-breasted velvet suit."

- He loved that suit.

- I love that suit.

- Oh, I love that suit.

- "Too loud," they said.

- A black suit?

"Too gay" is what they meant.

So now he's in one

of his brother's old suits.

Hugo Boss, I believe.

Death in Boss.

So the black velvet suit

is still around?

- Sorry.

- I just wish I could have

given him what he wanted.

Joe wanted to be cremated...

his ashes scattered to the wind

inJoshua Tree with...

Don McLean's "American Pie" playing

really, really loud on a boom box.

- Family said no.

- Why?

- God.

- Ask her.

Lord God,

bless this grave...

and send your angel

to watch over it.

Joe did not want

all this Gothic hocus-pocus.

- Shh.

- I feel like I'm in The Omen.

There's always great sadness

when we say goodbye to a loved one...

especially one

so beloved asJoseph...

struck down in his prime

by pneumonia.

Pneumonia. Please.

This is the hardest thing most of us

will ever have to face...

to stand at the grave

ofa loved one.

Lord, welcome our brother

to paradise...

and may Your light

shine on him.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- Ican't rememberiflcried

- Shh.

When lreadabout

his widowedbride

Butsomething touchedme

deep inside

The day

The music died

So, bye, bye

MissAmerican Pie

Drove my Chevyto the levee

But the levee wasdry

- Themgoodol'boys were drinkin '

- Goodbye,Joe.

Whiskyandrye

Singin'this'llbe

the daythat ldie

This'llbe the daythat ldie

They were singin '

Bye, bye,

MissAmerican Pie

Drove my Chevyto the levee

But the levee wasdry

Themgoodol'boys

were drinkin' whiskyandrye

Singin'this'llbe

the daythat ldie

When I die,

I don't want to be buried...

and I don't want to be burned.

Just cut me up

and stuff me in this freezer...

next to these frozen pizzas

for the next hundred years.

Robert?

What?

Hey. Robert.

It's okay.

- Please stay with me tonight.

- Yeah.

Justsixmore spots to fill.

Ourfifth finalist,

Miss Colombia!

Is Miss Colombia

clenching herjaw or what?

She's totally wired on Fen-Phen.

Hope she wins.

Do you think they're all really

popular and have boyfriends?

Ofcourse.

Look at Miss Venezuela.

She looks so happy.

You crazy?

She's got Vaseline on her teeth,

her national costume is too tight...

she's been smiling nonstop

for the last two years...

and her shoes are too small.

She reminds me

of myselfon a date.

- I can't imagine ever dating again.

- Oh, shut up.

'Course you can.

Just think of it as a pageant.

Yeah. Miss Hopeful.

Ifyou were to win

tonight's contest...

what would be your fiirst act

as Miss Universe?

Well, I would get down

on my hands and knees...

and I would promise to change

everything about myselfto please you.

That doesn't work.

I've tried it.

I've been down

on my hands and knees.

Yes, well, I fiind that hard

not to believe.

Grovelling, that is,

for love and affection.

Do you still miss him?

Well, I don't miss

being fiirst runner-up.

Yeah, I miss him.

He was totally me.

- Happy lndependence Day.

- Bottoms up.

Turning thesituation

'rounda little more

Making it looklike things

Arejust fine

- You cangoyour way

- Ooh, lady.

-Shudderto think--

-You need to have your back waxed again.

Touch in aplace

that makes it a love thing

Straight to the face

One-way love

wouldbe a miracle

Touch in aplace

That makes it a love thing

Straight to the face

at any rate

One-way love

wouldbe a miracle

Touch in aplace

One-way love

wouldbe a miracle

Dreamilypassing by

Wordssort ofcome andgo

Come up here.

- How long have they been together?

- Oh, I don't know. Since the lce Age.

- Hmm?

- Abbie, don't touch anything.

These people are maniacs

about their stuff.

They seem so easygoing.

Don't be fooled by the alcoholic haze

they walk around in.

- Sorry.

- You're a total liability.

FlyingDown To Eio,

Top Hat...

The GayDivorcee,

Swing Time.

Nothing but '30s musicals.

- They got stuck in the Depression.

- So did l.

Steppin'out with mybaby

Ican'tgo wrong

'cause I'm in right

It's forsure

not formaybe

- That I'm alldressedup tonight

- This'll sort her out.

- Whatever it is you're doing,

put it down.

- Yes.

Neverfelt quiteso sunny

Andlkeep on knockin' wood

Where are you?

- Ta-da!

- Abbie, you are naughty.

- I couldn't help it.

- Ashby's gonna have a coronary.

- You've got to be very careful.

- Don't worry. I'll put it back.

- Whose dress is this?

- Ashby's.

Ashby's?

No. Ashby, in his day,

my darling...

was one ofthe most important designers

to ever throw a fiit.

Happy Fourth.

Steppin'out with mybaby

Ican'tgo wrong

'cause I'm in right

It's forsure

andnot formaybe

That I'm alldressedup tonight

Steppin'out with myhoney

Can't be badto feelsogood

Ineverfelt

quiteso sunny

Andlkeep on knockin' wood

Whoo!

Whoa!

Oopsie!

There'llbesmooth sailing

'cause I'm trimmin'mysails

In mytop hat andmy white tie

andmytails

- Oh, steppin'out with mybaby

- Whoo!

Can'tgo wrong

'cause I'm in right

Askme when willthe daybe

The big daymaybe tonight

Hi.

Hi, um--

- Is it my imagination, or--

- I know.

I wanted to call you

and tell you all about it...

but I know you're not at home.

Well, leave a message after the beep

and I'll get back to you.

Oh, Christ.

My God, it's half past 1 :00!

They'll be back any minute now.

They're probably driving

from the airport right now.

Please, don'tjust lie there,

Abbie. Do something! Help me

get this place together!

What are these shoes doing here?

- I can't believe you let this happen.

- Me?

You make it sound

like you were seduced.

- I was the one that kept saying no.

- You weren't saying "no."

You were saying "now."

- Ridiculous!

- Anyway, you started it. You kissed me.

I kiss you every day.

We kiss all the time.

Every time we see each other, we kiss.

It's friendly. It's European.

I don't think I've been to that country

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