The Next Best Thing Page #3

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in Europe where the natives say hello...

by sticking their tongue

down your throat.

Oh, so you haven't been

to ltaly recently, have you?

We need to talk, Robert.

No, Abbie, we need to get this place

sorted out. Now will you help me

with this couch, now!

Something has happened.

It's not every day ofthe week

that I sleep with my best friend.

Oh, thank God. Look.

We were lonely as hell, and we had

too much to drink. Full stop!

Now, in halfan hour, two ofthe most

evil queens in Christendom...

are coming back to fiind

their overdecorated show palace...

has been vandalized

by their gardener and his plotting,

nymphomaniacal best friend!

You're embarrassed, aren't you?

"Embarrassed"? "Embarrassed"

is the understatement ofthe year.

Try catatonic!

Try apoplectic!

Why? Because you knocked over

a few lamps?

Or because you knocked over

a few lamps with a woman?

Can we please talk this

to death a little later?

- We can talk this to death

a little never.

- Abbie! Abbie, wait!

Abbie, please!

- I've seen that look

so many times before.

- What look?

That "shutting down, turning off,

morning after" Iook.

You'rejust like any other guy.

I expected more from you, Robert...

being a gay man and all.

Abbie, Abbie, don't--

- God, it's good to be home.

- Christ!

Come on, Ashby.

Stop dragging ass.

Hold your water.

- Hi ho, Robbie!

- Hi ho.

- My God!

- My God!

- We've been broken into!

- Oh, my God!

- Look at this place!

- Look at this mess!

- It's a mess!

- My dresses are all over the place!

- Didn't you set the alarm?

- Ofcourse I set the alarm!

You know, David, you're gonna have to

give this a little water on occasion.

Doesn't perpetual care

include sprinkler service?

- That's the spirit, David.

- ToJoe.

- Foreveryoung and beautiful Joe.

- He still left the party too early.

- So where's Abbie?

I thought she was coming.

- Yeah.

Something happened.

We slept together.

"Slept together" as in cuddly pj's...

or "slept together"

as in shagged her?

Oh, my God! You did? When?

- About a week and a halfago.

- How was it? Was it hot?

"Hot"? David, you're talking

about Abbie! She's like our sister.

How could it be "hot"?

- You're the one who nailed her.

Are you gonna do it again?

- No, ofcourse not.

- You did it once.

How can you be so sure?

- 'Cause it'sjust one ofthose...

crazy things that happens once

and never again.

Anyway, she's not talking

to me any more, nor is she

returning my phone calls...

and it's really upsetting me.

- You mean you would ifshe did?

- Would what?

- Are you telling us

you're straight now?

- No.

You just said you're really upset

that you couldn't bang her again.

That's not what I said.

Next thing he'll be combing

his hair like Donald Trump.

Subscribing to

Victoria's Secret catalogues.

And voting Republican.

Praise be to Lordy,

she's been reformed.

- Call Jerry Falwell.

- Shut up!

- Don't call me "she."

- See?

- See?

Hi, it'sAbbie.

Leave a message.

Abbie, pick up.

Pick up.

Listen, lknow we crosseda line

and we shot offthe main road...

but there'sno reason

why we can't climb up

the embankment andget back on track.

We've known each other too long

to let this come between us.

I can't do it alone.

Please, call me. Hmm?

- Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

- Hi.

I know how you hate that.

Anyway, I'm starving.

Thanks for waiting.

Can I see a menu?

- What is that?

- What?

- Since when do you eat meat?

- I don't.

Oh.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Well, you're obviously craving iron.

You must be getting your period.

Annabel, my period.

When is my period?

- How late are you?

- Third weekend inJune.

One, two, three, four, fiive, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve...

thirteen, fourteen--

Korean hot springs--

fiifteen, sixteen, seventeen--

Fourth ofJuly.

I remember that.

- Did we drive to Matador Beach?

- Mm-hmm.

- Did we stop?

- Uh-uh.

No. Sh*t.

Just try to remember the last time you

felt fat and ugly and suicidal.

- What can I get foryou?

- The nearest drugstore.

So you've come crawling back.

No. I mean, yes.

I have something to tell you.

- Is it good news or bad news?

- Good news, I hope.

Good news. Good news foryou,

or good news for me?

For us, I hope.

For us.

Is it, uh,

bigger than a bread box?

Not yet.

Oh, God. Come on.

Can't you just guess?

-Just spit it out.

- Okay.

What's the best thing

I could tell you?

That you've met

a fabulous guy for me.

Ha.

What's the next best thing?

That we can turn back the clock.

Nothing bad

ever happened between us...

and that, well...

we're best friends again.

Hmm?

Oh, I missed you so much.

I'm pregnant with your baby.

I mean, you can't be pregnant.

We only did it once.

- That's all it takes.

- What, eight martinis

and you're stuffed?

- That's right.

- Wow. Doesn't take much

to crackyour egg, does it?

You don't have to make

a decision right now...

but I've made up my mind

that I'm having this baby...

and you can be involved as much

or as little as you like.

Well, I can't very well

not be involved.

I mean, it's not like I suddenly can

stop knowing you or something, can l?

Can l? Ow!

Come on, Robert.

I'm offering you a choice.

You can be the baby's father,

oryou can be the baby's uncle.

I want you to be the father.

We could do this, Robert.

I know we could.

- What about if l--

- Please?

Just think about it.

Here, Dad, catch this!

Catch!

Hey, look at you. Let's give you

a little wipey-wipe, huh?

Oh! Not again.

I'm just saying ifyou stuck

to gin and tonic, it wouldn't stain.

- Hi. There he is.

- I cannot abide gin and tonic,

and you know it.

- Oh, it's him.

- Back to the baggage--

- Hello.

- Mum.

- Oh, darling. Oh.

- What happened?

- Oh, nothing. Daddy had

a little accident.

- It was the air waitress

that had the accident.

- We'll get thejacket cleaned, darling.

- I just happened to be conveniently

located directly under her.

- Six hours of hell. How are you?

- I'm fiine.

- You look a little thin.

- I'm not thin. Come on. Let's go.

- Thankyou for shaving.

- I did shave.

Ofcourse you shaved.

You look gorgeous.

-Attention, travellers.: You are not--

- Hey, get, get, get, get outta there!

- How's the gardening world?

- Fine, thanks.

- Darling, you're miles away.

- I've stuffon my mind. I'm sorry.

How's your friend Abbie?

- She's fiine.

- How's her love life?

Well, as a matter offact,

she's, uh, pregnant.

- No. When did she get married?

- She didn't.

Who's the father?

Actually, it's, uh, me.

Abbie is pregnant with my child

and your grandchild.

Is she? Really?

- Do you mean it was all a joke?

- What?

- You're not really queer?

- Shh. Loweryour voice to a shriek.

Ofcourse I'm queer. It'sjust

that I'm having a baby as well.

- I'm confused.

- Well, I'm not.

You're going to make

a laughing stock ofthe family.

- Child needs a role model,

someone to look up to.

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