The Next Best Thing Page #4

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- Well, I'll wear heels.

Ifyou were younger,

I'd take you over my knee...

and thrash

the living daylights out ofyou.

I thinkyou mean

ifyou were younger, Dad.

I'm getting a taxi.

I'll see you at the hotel.

Oh, God, he's a bore, isn't he?

Thank goodness you're here.

- I just don't know

if I can do it or not.

- Well, no one's ever ready for a baby.

But I'll tell you one thing: having

a child is the best thing in the world.

It stops you from worrying

about yourself.

There's something more important

than you in the world...

and that's such a relief

in the end.

I don't know. Itjust seems like

such a huge responsibility

to take on overnight.

It's an opportunity that's come up.

It won't come up again.

I can't tell you to do it,

but I can tell you...

think very carefully

before you don't do it.

Having you is the best thing

that ever happened to me.

- Oh, Mum.

- Even though you've been...

an enormous disappointment

in many ways.

- Mum.

- Well, you have.

But you're you.

I adore you.

Darling, careful.

Abbie?

I'll do it.

I want to be the father

ofour baby.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

I don't want to do it halfway. I want

to do it all the way or not at all.

I don't want to be

some gay uncle...

who lives on the other side

ofthe tracks with his roommate Bruce...

who no one's supposed to talk to.

I want to be the baby's father,

forever and always.

One more thing.

I can't be a husband.

You just have to be a father...

and a friend.

- You what?

- Robert Robert?

- Gay Robert Robert?

- Hejust goes by Robert now.

- You are outrageous.

- I would not kick him out of bed.

He defiinitely falls into

the "what a waste" category.

- Totally.

- So what was it like?

- Did he rise to the occasion?

- Obviously he did.

Hey, could we move past the sex part

and get onto the now part?

- I'm having a baby.

- Oh, Abbie, that is so great.

- That is cool.

- It's tough being

a single parent, Abbie.

- I'm not gonna be a single parent.

- What?

- Robert's moving in with me...

and we're gonna raise

the baby together.

- Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

- Look, Robert is the

most incredible man...

- I've ever met...

- Right.

- True.

and he's hung in there

when my boyfriends haven't.

That's true.

And we're always gonna love each other

and be in each other's lives...

and we're never getting married,

so we can't get divorced.

You know, there's a certain

crazy logic to this...

and Robert will do

everything a husband will do.

- Exactly.

- Including not sleep with you.

Yes, but I won't be

bitter and resentful about it.

- Well, at least the kid

will be gorgeous.

- Oh, no doubt.

- Will he be gay?

- Kelly!

- What?

- Come on.

- Come on.

My God. Will your kids

be stupid?

- Good to have you here, David.

- Make yourselfat home.

Anything you need,

just let us know.

Okay. Thanks.

- I feel like such an a**hole.

- Why?

Because, ifJoe's parents

hadn't kicked me out

and I didn't need this place...

I wouldn't be helping you move out.

- I'd be making a stand.

- Against what?

Against this insane decision

that you're making, Robert.

This is ridiculous.

You're gonna be miserable.

Have you thought about

all the details, like your sex life?

- Are you gonna even have one?

- Listen.

If I was straight, and I turned gay,

you'd be thrilled.

But the fact that I'm having

a baby with a woman-- Uhh!

That's blowing your mind, David.

That's such a double standard.

Oh, so your biological time clock

is ticking. That's it.

- No, that is not it.

- Yeah.

Actually, you know what?

I'm just bored of it all.

I'm bored ofthe parties,

I'm bored ofthe drugs...

I'm bored ofthe body obsession.

I'm not in a relationship.

I don't see one coming, and it happened.

It's not a sacrifiice, you know.

It's an opportunity.

I do love Abbie.

I trust her.

And here comes a baby that's gonna be

part ofour lives forever.

And what happens

when you do meet Mr Right?

I'll cross that bridge

when I get to it.

You'll burn that bridge

when you get to it.

To stay

- You come to me

- Come to me

- Come back to me

- Ratheryou than me.

Let me see.

Oh, don't show me any more.

Itjust kicked.

- Look at this.

- Yea!

- Thanks a lot, you guys.

- That bottle is huge.

Attention! Attention, attention.

First ofall, I would really

like to welcome all ofyou...

to our home on this very,

very special occasion.

You know, some people--

and I know I have been one ofthem--

have suggested that this was

an unexpected move on both your parts.

Personally,

I thought it was deranged.

It'sjust that you see all ofthese

young couples sporting around town...

in their suburban

assault vehicles...

a Frappucino in one hand, a rug rat

and a wet diaper in the other.

There but for the grace of God--

- And who needs sleep anyway?

- Exactly.

And you can kiss

your upholstery goodbye.

- Thanks a lot, Annabel.

- The world out there...

does not always support

families that are different...

but as I look

at the two ofyou now--

two ofthe most generous,

attractive--

And cattiest monsters we know.

And I see all ofthis love

and warmth and joy, and--

I think Abbie has something

she'd like to say.

Oh!

Give me every drug you've got!

- Here's Sam dressed as Krishna.

- Little gender bender.

He really didn't go

for all thejewellery.

- Look at him.

- Isn't that sweet.

- Look at that.

Look at the two studs.

- Happy New Year.

- This one's gorgeous.

Yeah.

- Hey, Happy New Year.

- Hi, guys. You having fun?

- Hello, ladies.

- Happy New Year.

- Hi. Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year.

- Say Happy--

Did you say Happy New Year?

- Yes, I did.

- All right.

- Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year!

- Happy New Year.

- Happy New Year!

- What's up, Sammy?

Hey, Happy New Year!

- Happy New Year.

- Cheers.

Hands above your head.

Look at your thumbs.

Hands to your chest.

I need champ--

Who needs champagne?

I got, got, got, got you.

Sam, why aren't you

at your own party?

- Dad, am I stupid?

- No. Who told you that?

Jamie Rappaport. He said yoga

was stupid and I was stupid...

and he's taking back

my Christmas present.

That's horrible. You know what I do

when people call me stupid?

I just put up a window.

I get in the car,

I do up the seat belt...

and I roll up the window

and I say, "Window.

I can see you,

but I can't hearyou."

Okay, we're gonna do a little test.

- Call me a stupid jerk. Go on.

- You're a stupid jerk.

Window. I can see you,

but I can't hearyou.

Now I'm gonna call you something.

You are...

the worst Nintendo player

on the planet!

Window.

Doesn't bother me a bit.

- I love you so much.

- I can't hearyou.

- Love you, Sam!

- Window.

Who's that really cute guy?

That's Robert's cardiologist.

Oh, my God. Does Robert

have a problem with his heart?

- Stupid.

- Kelly!

- D-Darling!

- Mum.

Oh, don't do that.

- I was getting worried about you.

- Well, l, um-- I-l brought a surprise.

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