The Next Best Thing Page #5

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What?

- Hi, Dad.

- Hello.

Is that a, uh, cricket bat in your hand,

or are you just pleased to see me?

- What?

- Only kidding.

- None ofthat, darling. Ifyou knew

what I went through to get him here.

- Hello, Mary.

I've gone grey overnight.

- Podgy!

- Sam.

- Podgy, darling!

- Hey, Grandma.

- Come on.

Hello, darling.

- Listen, you remember that gloomy

old grandpa I told you about...

- Yeah.

- who only came out at night?

- Yeah.

Well, he's here.

Some smelling salts!

Smelling salts!

- He loves to faint.

- Grandma, why aren't you

fainting with me?

Oh, well, well--

Darling, take my G & T.

Come on, Grandpa.

You fake too. Come on.

Get more enthusiasm.

Gestures are better, darling.

Little-- Yeah, that's it.

Go on. Give him a hug and a kiss.

There we are. Go on.

There we are.

Careful of his tummy.

Careful.

Oh-- Yes, yes, thankyou.

Robert.

- Comin' over later?

- I'll try.

- Bye-bye. See you next Thursday.

- I hope so.

- So who lives in this room?

- My dad.

- How come? Was he bad?

- No.

Well, then why doesn't he sleep

in the same room as your mom?

Well, he's supposed to...

or he could sleep

in a different house, like my dad.

- Huh?

- He doesn't sleep with his mother...

because Sam's dad is a fag.

- A what?

- F*ggot.

You're supposed to say

"same sex partner."

I know what a f*ggot is.

That's what my dad calls someone

who cuts him off in traffiic.

- I don't wanna go to bed.

- Too bad.

- Window.

- Double window.

Now, then, mister.

- Why don't you sleep in Mommy's room?

- What?

- Don't you love her?

- Ofcourse I love her.

You know why I don't sleep with her?

'Cause she snores.

She snores like a great big

old helicopter taking off.

That's why I sleep in my own room. Any

other questions, Mr Sam, Mr Detective?

Can I have a brother

for my birthday?

You have to ask Mommy.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Good night. Sleep well.

Your son's starting to ask

a lot ofquestions.

He knows too much.

We must get rid of him.

Seriously, Robert.

It's only the beginning

ofa lot more questions like that...

and we have to fiigure out

what we're gonna say.

We will fiigure it out. Can't it wait

till tomorrow? I'm going out.

Is seeing the cardiologist right now

more important than your son?

My son is more important than breakfast,

lunch, tea and dinner.

Doesn't mean I still don't

have to eat sometime. You should

be doing the same thing.

- I eat.

- Men call you.

Go out with one ofthem.

- Keeps your hinges from rusting.

- Contrary to what you might think...

I'm not a queen

trapped in a woman's body.

- Really?

- You think everyone wants to have sex.

I don't want to have sex.

I'm over it.

- I'm perfectly happy right here

in my own backyard.

- Really?

And I'm not gonna feel guilty

'cause you feel guilty...

- 'cause you're going out

and having fun and I'm--

- Not.

You aren'tjust a mother, Abbie.

You're a beautiful woman.

Don't sell yourselfshort.

Bye.

1 989.

1 999.

1 989.

1 999.

Dear God, wherever You are...

could You please hook me up?

-Just sleep, for God's sakes.

- I can't.

Being with you

is like being with a hologram.

You're there,

but you're not there.

I'm sorry.

Just got stuffon my mind.

Sam's starting a new school next week,

and I feel like it's me going.

I'm so nervous.

Can't think ofanything else.

- Isn't that weird?

- No. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I feel like you

don't care about anything else.

Damn.

I have to go to the hospital.

I like you a lot, Robert.

I like you too,

o doctor ofthe heart.

But it's never gonna work.

'Cause I want more. With you

it's like crashing into a brick wall.

- You just don't give a damn inch.

- 'Cause I don't want to get serious.

I told you. Sam is everything

to me. I haven't got time

for anything else right now.

- I told you this on day one.

- I know. Calm down.

It'sjust we're getting repetitive.

Maybe we should just move on then.

I gotta go. Uh--

Stay. Don't stay.

Love you.

Hate you.

Iknowthatyou're

in love with him

'Cause lsawyou dancing

in thegym

You both kickedoffyourshoes

Man, ldig those rhythm andblues

Iknowthatyou're in love with him

'Cause l--

- Not on the part you like, Sammy.

- What's going on in here?

- You barbarian.

- Daddy, get Mommy a cup ofcoffee.

- Please?

- Please, Daddy?

Yes, Mommy dearest.

Give me a kiss, Sam.

- Did you sleep good?

- Yeah.

You're too kind.

- Daddy?

- Hmm?

Are you a f*ggot?

- What?

- And yesterday he was only fiive.

Sam, where did you learn

a word like that?

- Kyle told it to me.

- Did Kyle tell you what it means?

Yeah.

Well, what is it?

It's when two boys kiss

and they go to the opera.

Oh. Well--

Yes and no.

But, you know, the point here,

Sam, is that the word "f*ggot"...

is a mean word

that mean people use...

when they don't want to accept

people who are different from them.

Right, and we are not

meanie buckets in this house, are we?

- Nope.

- Right.

- Major Lady to Major Dad.

- It's Ground Control to Major Lady.

Come in, please, Major Lady.

Come in, please.

I'm on your tail.

I'm going to shoot now.

- Major Lady to Major Dad.

- Major Lady, you're being tailed.

"Back and forth across the pasture

with the tractor.

Finally it was so close that Abigail

popped into the burrow...

- and scurried down to her baby's nest."

- Read it the other way.

Oh. I don't like this way.

"Miss Demeanour had a new set...

of long, shiny black fiingernails...

and she was picking an enormous,

giant-sized purple booger...

from her left nostril.

'Mm. That looks like dinner

for a family offiive'...

said Princess Tinyfuse as she got out

her kitchen knife...

and cut it into small slices

and put it into a frying pan."

Hey, little man.

Set it here, take your shoes off,

and help yourselfto some herbal tea.

Does this place have StairMasters

or treadmills?

This is a yoga centre.

- Yoga classes only.

- Oh, so no free weights?

- I'll call you back.

- You should do yoga.

- It reduces your stress.

- Oh, yeah?

- Where'd you get this guy?

- He's my son...

and he was doing yoga

before he was born.

- Yeah, it's easy.

- I don't know, see...

'cause I'm more the "half-hour

free weights, little bit ofsteam"

kind of guy.

I'm not really the yoga type.

Chicken.

Sam, honey, go easy

on the hard sell.

This guy obviously

wants to "feel the burn."

- There's a gym for "mirror athletes"

halfa mile that-a-way.

- All right, now hold on.

Wait a minute.

I've got an open mind.

I mean, I don't know

if I can do the splits, but--

I'm teaching a class in ten minutes.

I promise to go easy on you.

Hands together

in prayer position.

Feet together.

Inhale, look up,

gazing at your fiingertips.

Exhale, palms to the floor.

Inhale, look up.

Exhale.Jump back

to Chaturanga position.

Keep your elbows close to your side,

pointing your toes, shoulders back.

Exhale.

Push back into down dog.

- Sinkyour heels into the floor...

- Psst.

- gazing at your navel.

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