The Next Best Thing Page #7

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I never met the right woman.

Or maybe I met her, but I wasn't

the right man at the right time.

Anyway, that's my excuse.

What's yours?

I decided to have a child

instead ofa husband.

- Couldn't you have both?

- Well, theoretically

I could have both...

but if I waited around

long enough for the right man,

might not have had the right child.

So, does Robert help out?

ls he a good father?

He's the greatest.

Hope you don't mind me asking,

but were you two ever together?

Once, a very long time ago,

for about a halfan hour.

- Huh.

- Hmm.

We're best friends.

No, we're closer than that.

Robert's my family.

- Thankyou very much, sir.

- How's everyone doing?

- Good.

- Thankyou very much, sir.

- Enjoying yourself, Mr Cooper?

Dinner was superb. You clearly

live up to your reputation.

But you, it seems, do not.

I hope you enjoyed your littlejoke

on me and this restaurant.

- Whatjoke?

- You said Harrison Ford

was in your party.

No, what I said was,

"Would it make a difference...

if I told you Harrison Ford

was in our party?"

Clearly it did.

- Um, I guess I'd better go.

- Oh, okay.

You know, I'd askyou in,

but, uh...

you know, it's a long story.

- Anyway...

- All right.

- I had fun.

- Me too.

Will I see you again?

I thinkyou're gonna see so much of me

you're gonna get sick of me.

Yeah. Listen.

I know this is

not really a date...

but I'm afraid I'm gonna

have to kiss you anyway.

Oh. All right.

Wow. I can't believe

how good that is.

I just have to tell you

one more thing.

- How was dinner?

- Well, I think I'vejust had...

possibly one ofthe best dates

I've ever had.

- Well, congratulations.

- Ever.

- Double congratulations.

- And you know what?

- What?

- You're such a jerk.

- What are you talking about?

- You were so rude to Ben.

- I was not rude to Ben.

- Yes, you were.

- I was my usual charming self.

- You practically slammed

the door in his face.

- I did not.

- Wait a second. You did

slam the door in his face.

Abbie, that was a joke.

Oh, God. I saw it in a play.

- Brought the house down. Sorry. Ha.

- Ha ha.

Are we a little tipsy?

Ben ordered the most

delicious wine in the universe.

- "Most delicious wine--"

- You'rejealous.

- Oh, right.

- Why didn't I see it before?

- You'rejealous

that I went out on a date.

- How could I possibly bejealous?

I'm the one that encouraged you

to go out more in the fiirst place.

- What's so hilarious?

- Oh, nothing.

It wasjust something Ben said

at dinner. Sorry. You had to be there.

He's very perceptive, you know.

- Perceptive about me, I expect.

- Me, me, me, me, me.

Funnily enough, you were

hardly mentioned all evening...

other than discussing the fact that I

was turkey-basted by my gay best friend.

- You were not turkey-basted.

- Oh. Right.

- Did Sammy get to bed okay?

- Look, what's all

this "Sammy" business?

His name is Sam, all right.

He's not Sammy.

He's not Sammy Davis,Jr.

He's not The Rat Pack. He'sjust Sam.

Hmm. Well, I don't know what's wrong

with you, but I'm going to bed.

He wassingin '

Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie

Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry

Themgoodol'boys

were drinkin' whiskyandrye

- Hey, Sammy, you wanna go in the water?

- Yeah!

- Singin'this'llbe the daythat ldie

- This'llbe the daythat ldie

- Hey, Dad, can I go in the water now?

- Sure.

- Can I take him in?

- Okay.

- Helterskelterin a summerswelter

- I'm gonna throw you in! Throw him in!

- The birds flewoff

to the falloutshelter

- No!

- Swim in tons offiishes!

- The daythe music died

- Here we go. Here we go!

- He wassingin '

- Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie

- Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God" is right.

Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry

Themgoodol'boys

were drinkin' whiskyandrye

Andsingin'this'llbe

the daythat ldie

This'llbe the daythat ldie

They were singin '

- Bye, bye, MissAmerican Pie

- One!

- Drove my Chevyto the levee

but the levee wasdry

- No!

- No, Mommy!

- Two!

- Watch out! You're going in the water!

- Themgoodol'boys

were drinkin' whiskyandrye

- Singin'this'llbe the daythat ldie

- Whoo!

It's freezin'.

- Hey, big wheel.

- Hi, Dad.

How are you? Your shoelace

is undone. I can do it up.

- I can do it.

- What?

- When did you learn how to do that?

- Ben teached me.

Oh. What else did Ben

"teached" you?

Crazy.

- Ben.

- Hmm?

- What's wrong with you?

- Why, is something wrong?

You haven't said a word to me

for ages.

See what I mean?

Abbie, um--

- We need to talk.

- "Talk." I don't like

the sound ofthat.

We're talking now, right?

Yeah.

- Oh, God, Ben, don't do this to me.

- Yeah, this is kinda hard for me too.

Hard foryou?

What about me?

You know what? Don't even tell me, okay?

Because I already know

what you're gonna say.

- How do you know what I'm gonna say?

- Because I do. How many words?

- Five.

- Five.

I knew it.

"It's not you. It's me."

Couldn't you have been

just a little bit more original?

Like, um, "I need

to concentrate on my work"...

or, betteryet, how 'bout, um,

"I'm getting back together again

with my ex-girlfriend."

- No, Abbie, come here, baby.

- I don't even know why

I wasted my time on you.

What, are you nuts? Come here.

Listen. Listen to me.

- Listen.

- Why?

I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you.

- Hey, little man. You go fiirst.

- Hello.

- Dad.

- Mm-hmm.

- Can I watch cartoons?

- What time is it?

- The little hand is on the eight.

No. No, the seven.

Sam. Will you just--

Just watch cartoons in an hour.

Go back to sleep for a while.

Mm, okay.

Is Ben my daddy now?

What?

- Okay, well, let's get

just one thing straight.

- Please, Robert.

- I can't believe you let this happen.

I mean, what were you thinking?

- Calm down, Robert.

Sam sees a stranger in his bedroom

in the morning.

- You probably traumatized him.

- Ben is hardly a strange man.

- I'm sorry. I thought I was gonna

be gone by the time he woke up.

- Sam adores him.

Sam is confused by him,

and you're not helping matters.

What exactly do you think

is going on between us?

I don't care

what's going on between you.

I just don't want it to go on here.

We're getting married.

- What?

- We've been trying to fiigure out

a way to tell you.

Well, let me give you

one little tiny hint.

Letting Sam discoveryou in bed with him

is not what I'd call a subtle approach.

We didn't exactly plan it

this way, okay? Now you know.

So let's talk about it.

Talk about it? I've only had

fiive seconds to think about it.

You're the ones that have had

the luxury of mulling this over.

What do you think about it?

- I don't know.

- Well, that's a fiine place to start.

Look, Robert, I just want us

all to get along. I'm not here

to usurp your position.

- I thinkyou're a great dad.

- That's mighty big ofyou, Ben.

Stop it, Robert! The last thing

that we want to do is hurt you.

- "We, we, we." What's all

this "we" all ofa sudden?

- Shh!

The fact ofthe matter is,

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