The Nice Guys

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(BOBBY WHISTLES)

(SNORING)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SHUDDERING)

(COUGHS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

How do you like my car,

Big Boy?

(SIRENS WAILING)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

NARRATOR:
Bart, Sarah and Jonathan

are spending their leisure day

at the city pool.

Aren't they lucky?

Let's see what they have

brought with them to the pool today.

Bart has a plain towel.

Sarah has a bright towel.

Jonathan has a gay towel.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

JACKSON:
There's something

wrong with kids today.

They know too much.

Take this little gem.

She's 13.

Already she's got herself a winner.

(GIGGLING)

Sure, he's three times her age,

but he's got money for pot

and he drives a nice car.

Who's the man, baby?

Who's the man?

-You are. You're the man.

-Yeah. That's right.

-That's right. I'm the man.

-Oh, yes. You're my foxy-fox.

JACKSON:
I'm not saying

I wasn't a little bastard.

I mean, I grew up Irish.

The Bronx. Riverdale.

I don't have a job title,

I'm not in the Yellow Pages,

but if you got trouble with someone,

someone's messing around

with your underage daughter,

you might ask around for me,

Jackson Healy.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Are you the man?

-What?

(GROANS)

Stay away from little girls.

Love. Grand, isn't it? I was in love once.

Marriage is buying a house

for someone you hate.

Remember that.

I'm here with a representative

of the Detroit Auto Manufacturers,

Mr Bergen Paulsen.

And, Mr Paulsen,

glad to have you here.

I understand that you're in town

for the big show.

Tell us a little bit about it.

Take a look at this outstanding line-up

we have here for you.

These cars are so incredible,

they practically drive themselves.

REPORTER:
I do have to ask you

about the allegations about collusion

-in regards to...

-(TELEPHONE RINGING)

...a smog control device,

the recent lawsuit against the Big Three.

BERGEN:
I'm not gonna dignify that...

HOLLAND:
You have reached

March Investigations.

This machine records messages.

Wait for the tone and speak clearly.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

HOLLY:
This is your daughter speaking.

Thursday, as you may remember,

is my birthday.

Please give accordingly.

Also I hope you didn't forget that

you're supposed to be working today.

(DIAL TONE)

(SIGHING)

HOLLAND:
I wish I wished for things, man.

-(SIGHS)

-(THUDS)

(BELL DINGS)

My folks, they told me

to reach for the stars,

and then my pals in the force

said reach for the brass ring,

and then my wife died

and I reached for whatever came

in a gallon and cost a buck fifty.

She used to say I got no follow-through.

I hit nails in halfway and stop.

-She's not wrong.

-(RAZOR BUZZING)

MAN:
Hey, there's a line, a**hole!

-(CARS HONKING)

-Hey, what are you doing?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

They implemented a no-fault divorce here

a couple of years back

that really screwed things up.

A lot of private cops folded.

(GROANS)

Not me. I got this guy

in a local retirement park.

He kicks a few cases my way.

WOMAN:
It's my husband.

Fred's his name.

Fred.

-He's gone missing.

-Missing?

WOMAN:
I'm terribly worried.

It's just Fred's never been

gone this long before.

How long has he been missing?

Since the funeral.

-Well, I can start right away.

-(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

-Amelia?

-Mr Healy.

Um, I think there's two of them,

but I only have the name

and description for the one.

-You can take care of them?

-Consider it done.

Thank you.

-I feel better already.

-It's my job.

(AMELIA SIGHING)

They've been following me around

and asking my friends where I live.

I've just been really scared,

but, um, you make me feel safe.

You're short.

I'm what?

You're $7 short.

(SNIFFLES) Right, um...

Sorry. Um...

JACKSON:
Sometimes

I feel okay about things.

Not often.

Could try for an investigator's licence.

Become a P.I.

Those guys help people.

Maybe then I'd feel good in the morning.

She's got dark hair,

about yea high.

Name's Amelia.

She might be from the neighbourhood.

-No, can't help you, buddy.

-No?

Sorry.

HOLLAND:
I work in a cesspool.

Sex. More sex.

My wife, she used to say

I make a living off rumpy-pumpy.

Whatever. She was English.

I don't know what the f*** it means either.

The point is I don't care if Colonel Mustard

did it in the study with a candlestick,

I just wanna know who he did it with

and get the pictures.

BARTENDER:
Yeah, I think I remember her.

Amelia, right?

Was in here three or four nights ago.

Drank bourbon martinis.

Well, that's disgusting.

Any chance she, uh,

paid with a credit card?

As in, am I gonna pull

the receipts for you?

Fat f***ing chance.

(SNORTS)

Is that a shirt?

-Yeah.

-It's very pretty.

I made it myself.

Yeah?

I made this.

HOLLAND:
Look, I'm not saying it's easy.

I'm not saying you don't

gotta think on your feet,

bend a few rules maybe,

but it's worth it,

as long as you get the results.

(DOG BARKS)

-(GAGS)

-(BLOOD GUSHING)

Okay, that's it. That's a lot of blood.

That is a lot...

That's a lot of blood.

(SIREN WAILING)

We're losing him. Go! Hurry up!

Now, don't go anywhere. Don't...

Stay with me. Stay with me! Sir.

Now, tell me,

are you willing to find God?

Look, I'm trying to find Amelia.

NEWSCASTER:
Good morning, Los Angeles.

Today, yet another stage-two smog alert.

The A.Q.M.D. has cautioned

residents not to stay outside

or engage in unnecessary

exercise before 6:00 p.m.

In other news, a police spokesman

says he has not ruled out foul play

in the death of adult

film star Misty Mountains,

whose car went off-road

in the early hours of last Tuesday.

And now back to America's

favourite family, The Waltons.

(TICKING)

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

"Equanimity.

"The quality of being calm

and even-tempered."

He accepted her betrayal

with equanimity.

Jack, I'm f***ing your dad.

(SPITS)

What?

(MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING ON TV)

John Boy...

(TV FIZZLES)

Six, seven, eight...

One...

F***. (SIGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

-HOLLAND:
Who is it?

-Messenger service.

Holland March home?

(GROANS)

What the f***?

Mr March, we're gonna play a game.

I think you have the wrong house.

It's called, "Shut up unless you're me."

(GROANING)

I love that game.

You're a private investigator?

Look, there's 20 bucks in there,

all right? Just take it.

No, I'm not here for that.

I told you, I'm a messenger.

You can afford

to live like this as a P.I.?

-What's the message?

-Oh, right, right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Stop looking for Amelia, all right?

I'm not even looking for Amelia.

She's a person of interest, man.

Fine. I'm done. Put a fork in me.

Don't really put a fork in me.

Amelia's gonna be very happy

that you got the message so quickly.

It's gonna make her smile.

That's good.

Now, (CLEARS THROAT)

I got one more thing I need

to ask you before we're done here.

-You wanna know who hired me.

-Bingo. Yeah.

Now, we can do this the easy way

or we can do it the hard way.

-Glenn.

-What?

Lily Glenn. Two N's.

Old lady hired me

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