The Night of the Iguana Page #8

- I had to use field glasses.

- No, thank you.

Love's an old remembered song

A drunken fiddler plays

Stumbling crazily along

Crooked alleyways

- Not now, Nonno.

- When his heart is mad with music

- He will play the...

- Nonno, please.

He thinks that someone called

for a recitation of one of his poems.

Don't you worry, honey.

In this crowd,

old Gramps is the life of the party.

Gramps, honey, here.

Finish your toddy.

I don't care what anybody says.

This fish is delicious.

Swing it this way.

I could handle another helping.

And no funny stuff.

Keep those dukes on the platter.

What did he say?

He says you're a hell of a man

in action against a fish...

...if it's a dead fish.

Very funny.

Daddy always says the only difference

between a success and a failure...

...is that a success knows an opportunity

when he sees it, and a failure doesn't.

Well, don't worry about me

recognizing an opportunity.

Oh, Hank. When I tell Daddy,

he'll be so proud of you.

Hannah?

What was the take?

Grandfather, please stop shouting.

Did they cross your palm

with silver or paper, Hannah?

Nonno, no more shouting,

we're having lunch.

Chow time, Gramps.

How much did they come across with?

He won't stop shouting.

Gramps. Five dollars.

I'm putting it in your pocket.

We can't accept gratuities,

Mr. Shannon.

Oh, hell, it was only pesos.

Yeah, we're going to clean up

in this place.

You bet we're going

to clean up here, Gramps.

If there's a cocktail lounge,

we ought to work that first.

Strike while the iron is hot.

While it's hot.

Hello?

Hello?

Speaking.

Anything I can do for you?

Who?

Shannon.

You're wanted on the blower.

El Paso. Person-to-person.

This is the moment you've awaited,

Miss Fellowes.

That will be my esteemed,

but not by me, employer.

I will now demonstrate to you

how a man of integrity brings an almost...

...insoluble situation

to a triumphant conclusion.

The Reverend T. Lawrence Shannon

speaking.

Well, Mr. Blake, how are you?

Nice of you to call.

Wish you were down here with us.

The air's like spring wine down here...

...at this time of year.

What do you mean, on the sauce?

You know me better than that, Mr. Blake.

I don't care what any

judge in Corpus Christi says.

You know and I know that I am a

regularly ordained minister of the gospel.

- Shannon, you're fired as of right now.

- Now, wait a minute, you big fat zero.

Let me tell you something.

A tour conductor is like

the captain of a ship.

Once the bus leaves the terminal

he is in sole command.

And let me assure you...

...that Shannon runs a taut bus.

A very taut bus. I've taken it past...

...deadly shoals and all the perils

of the deep.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

And I remain in command.

I have here in my pocket

the symbol of my command.

Right here, in my pocket.

You cannot fire a man

who has the distributor head.

Shannon can fire Blake's Tours...

...but Blake's Tours cannot fire Shannon.

- This tour will end in peace and unity.

- You're fired, Shannon!

Shannon will emerge triumphant.

Well, Hank, aren't you proud of me?

As a member of my crew...

...aren't you proud of me?

Hank, you know that... That shiner

gives you character, Hank.

Hey, lay off, you big baboon.

I got it. I got it, I got it. I got it!

That's to show how I hate you.

I hate you.

Foe. I thought you were my friend

and you turned out to be my foe. Foe.

You're all through, Reverend.

You've had it.

Relax, baby. The party's over.

Okay, folks, let's get cracking.

Get your duds together, we're

ready to blow this goat shed.

- Goat shed?

- Come on, I'll help you get packed.

You got rooms in Puerto Vallarta.

I'll have you there in 20 minutes.

From now on, this tour is gonna be

conducted like a respectable tour.

Respectable? Why these ladies have had,

some of them...

...most of them, if not all of them,

for the first time in their lives...

...contact, social contact, with a

gentleman born and bred...

...whom under no other circumstances

could they possibly have met.

The son of a clergyman

and the grandson of two bishops.

Churchmen on both sides

of the family.

- How's old Gramps doing?

- He's sleeping just now.

Through that riot?

Will Mr. Shannon be all right,

do you think?

All right? Honey, I don't know.

He cracks up like this so regular,

you can set a calendar by it.

About twice a year.

He's done it twice down here.

Fred used to say it had something to do

with the moon.

I sure wish old Fred was here right now.

Oh, my God!

- What is it, Mrs. Faulk?

- Honey, I advise you not to look.

Just take my word for it.

Old Shannon is out-Shannoning Shannon.

Shannon, you beast. You beast.

You, you... You unutterable beast!

Did you see what he did?

All right, ladies, now keep calm.

Keep calm, ladies. Just follow me.

Follow me down the hill.

Make sure you get my bag.

Shannon.

You've avenged yourself for

all time on Miss Fellowes' suitcase.

I've heard of a dog cocking his leg.

Why don't you buzz off

on your broomstick?

I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to him.

I'm going to have you blacklisted

in every travel agency in America.

What about Africa, Tasmania,

Bechuanaland, Tonmawr?

Please, Miss Fellowes, leave him alone.

As soon as I get back, I'm gonna swear

out a warrant for your arrest.

Molesting a minor, kidnapping,

malicious damage to private property.

Indecent exposure.

What subject do you teach

back in that college of yours, honey?

- Voice, if that's got anything to do with it.

- Well, geography's my speciality.

Did you know that if it wasn't for

the dykes...

...the plains of Texas would be engulfed

by the Gulf?

Maxine.

Let's level a while, butch, old gal.

Do you know what you're sore about,

really sore about?

That little quail of yours

has a natural preference for men instead of...

Maxine!

What is she talking about?

You'd better go now, Miss Fellowes.

The party's over.

Right now, I'm no longer

in a position to...

...discharge my responsibility

of protecting you.

Responsibility from which

you discharged me.

Just go, Miss Fellowes.

Just go.

What did you shut me up for?

It's time somebody told that old dame off.

Miss Fellowes is a highly moral person.

And if she ever recognized the truth

about herself, it would destroy her.

Well, she's done a pretty good job

of destroying you.

Maxine.

Don't rob me of the credit

for my own small accomplishments.

Jehoshaphat, the bill!

They haven't paid the cotton-picking bill!

All right, ladies, take your seats,

we'll be out of here.

I don't know, I kind of hate to leave

this nice place.

Peebie.

- Charlotte, you get in next.

- Climb in, Miss Fellowes.

Charlotte's sitting up front with me.

Hey!

Just a flipping minute.

- What is it now?

- 300 pesos, that's what it is now.

- Twenty-four dollars.

- What about my suitcase?

Miss Fellowes, honey,

you ain't gonna blame that on me.

I blame your tout that brought us

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