The Ninth Configuration Page #3

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can fill in the hole.

I didn't think of that.

No, you didn't.

Is this your dog?

What does it look like? My zebra?

- What do you call him?

- Irresponsible...

... he's ten minutes late for rehearsal.

Out, Sir Lawrence.

Lieutenant Reno is adapting

Shakespeare's plays for dogs.

A labor of love! A f***ing headache!

But goddammit, somebody's got to do it!

We are just getting into Julius Ceasar.

Want to come to rehearsal?

We're doing that terribly gripping scene

where this very noble-looking dalmatian...

... whips his toga around himself - thusly...

and snarls "Et tu, White Fang?"

I'd like to ask your opinion

about a problem in Hamlet.

You see, if i cast a Great Dane in the role,

they're gonna accuse me of -

Frankie, look...

Lieutenant Spinell,

my casting director.

- Hi fellas.

- We're looking for talent.

So far this production is a one-dog-show.

Who's that?

That dog may be Rosencrantz

or Guildenstern.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are males,

this dog is a female.

So we take a license.

Get the f*** out of here.

Ok, I was only suggesting.

Sorry.

Quiet, Sir Lawrence!

Jesus, why do I live like this!

One moment and he thinks

he's Barbara Streisand.

Read the classics. It improves

the whole respiratory system.

Adis.

Quiet! I asked for Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

And what did you bring me?

Tiny Alice!

I want dobermans, I want even a collie...

Stop breaking my balls!

Fairbanks...

It is one of my multiple personalities...

I am sister Eve Black.

I understand...

"The little Sisters of the poor"

is a recognised charity, Krebs.

F*** off.

They're all that bad?

He was flying those planes we got

from the Germans, you know..

...the ones that take off from the

vertical and then fly straight?

for no reason at all...

And right after number 24, Fairbanks found

out that he could talk to trees.

You think they're faking it, then?

I don't know..I just got back myself a week ago.

Biggest mystery is Cutshaw, I guess.

Why him?

Well, he wasn't in combat...

So why should he fake it?

And what about Reno? That man owns a

Congressional medal of honor.

He's pretending insanity to get out of combat?

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

They all have high IQs.

Some of them genius, matter-of-fact.

And most other fakery I've heard about from the corps...

... comes under the category of falling

out of parade in front of a reviewing stand

and then urinating,

...preferably on some field-grade officer's leg.

I don't know.

Maybe we are just fish out of the water.

What was that?

I just think about...

sickness...

cancer in children...

earthquakes, war...

...painful death.

Death.

Just death.

If these things are just part of our natural environment...

Why do we think of them as evil?

Why do they horrify us so?

...unless we were meant for someplace else.

I don't think evil grows out of madness.

I think madness grows out of evil.

Hell, I don't know.

Maybe I'll give them all shock treatment, you know.

Might shake out the phonies, what do you think?

You hate it.

Well I'll see you later.

SHOCK TREATMENT - CURATIVE

What're you holding... ?

All secure, sir.

Sargeant Krebs.

Please tell Colonel Fell

I want to see him.

Colonel Fell has signed out for the day, sir.

Capitain Bennish may need a thorazine injection.

Who has a key to the drug locker?

Only Colonel Fell, sir.

Sargeant Krebs.

Please tell Colonel Fell I need to see

him as soon as he gets back.

Yes, sir. I will.

- Good night, Sargeant.

- Good night, Sir.

Close the door please, Krebs.

Colonel, what are you holding...?

You cut off his head with a wire

and he kept on talking...

...Colonel, he was just a boy.

Let's go to the beach.

It's night, and it's raining.

I see you're determined to start an argument.

Go to bed, please.

Hud, there is nothing less attractive

than a psychiatrist who pouts.

What do I have to do to just get in a word with you?

Offer sacrifice?

Then, here!

I brought you a mud-pie.

Now, can I talk to you?

Will you talk about the moon?

Listen, everyone knows that

the moon is Roquefort.

I've come here to talk about Colonel Fell.

- What about him?

- Major Nammack approached him this morning,

complaining of a strange and wondrous illness.

And do you know what that

heartless butcher prescribed?

He said "Here, take this...

... It's a suicide pill with a

mild laxative side-effect"

What kind of bedside manner is that?

I break the arrow of peace.

Why did you buy that arm-band?

- Because I am in mourning.

- For whom?

For God. If God exists, then he's a fink.

Or more likely a Foot:

A giant all-knowing all-powerful Foot.

I don't belong to God...

... so I don't have to hide

in an Argentina Club.

But I believe in the Devil alright.

You know why?

Because the prick keeps doing commercials.

The Original sin might be real.

Hello, operator?

Maybe it is something genetic.

Can you prove there is a Foot?

There are some arguments for reason.

Are those the things that we used to

justify dropping atomic bombs on Japan?

I am sorry we have to rush the job like this, Fell.

When I got into what we were trying, we hit the

ceiling. We needed all the help we could get.

And in a hell of a hurry.

- Think we convinced him?

- Oh yeah, he bought it.

- God, I hope so.

- I know how you feel.

You do?

No, I guess I don't.

Well that's life, huh?

Take it easy, now.

- I sure hope it all works out for you.

- Yeah.

Every kind thought thought

is the hope of the world, right?

See you later.

Good luck.

- Horacio...

- Get me a grey hound.

I said get me a grey hound.

- Grey hound.

- That's right...

Pekingese.

And you'll play three feet off the ground?

I want people to wonder about him.

I don't know.

- Why the f*** are you bothering me?

- Polonius...

My Laertes is supposed to be a foil to Hamlet.

Polonius...

- I swear I'm going to hit you in the mouth.

- Polonius...

- Un Chow.

- Labrador...

What the f*** are you doing?

I think he's suffocating.

Good night, sweetheart.

Colonel?

I am telling you Kane is the one who's crazy.

He just sat there doing this. All the time - doing this!

Hell he never even saw me!

I want you to drop like an overripe mango.

A lot of psychiatrists are deeply disturbed.

They've got the highest suicide

rate of any profession in the world..

Now that's a fact, you can check it Captain Billy.

What the hell were you doing at the clinic?

I had cookies in my teeth...

... raisins and crap like that, you know.

I needed some dental floss.

I'm telling you...

He is Gregory Peck

in Spellbound.

He comes to take over the mental asylum,

and he's nuts himself.

I swear it, it's just like that picture.

I took a fork and a tablecloth in front of him...

... I made ski tracks and he fainted.

Would you kindly have the goodness to admit

that you are able read my thoughts?

...that my space-ship crashed on the planet Venus...

...that this is Venus

and you are a Venusian!

That you have ILLEGALLY invaded my mind,

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