The Noose Hangs High Page #7

the aquarium bar?

Why, I'd love to.

The biggest bet I ever won

was on the size of a fish.

- May I take your hat?

- Thank you.

- What's the idea?

- He may pay the bill. Then we are in a mess.

- He's liable to stop us from going to jail?

- Certainly.

Who do you think you are

to stop us from going to jail?

I mean I didn't have time to go through Yale.

Carol, you run along with Mr. Caesar.

As soon as the food is served I'll call you.

Come along, dear. I want to tell you

how I caught my fish and had it mounted.

A mounted fish.

What whoppers that guy tells!

Did you ever see a mounted fish?

You ever see a fish on a horse?

Go paddle your own canoe.

We're in enough trouble as it is.

Quiet. You have a reservation

for Ted Higgins and party?

Yes, sir. The best tables.

It's all ready. This way, please.

- Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- You always have to be the... Sit down.

- Here you are, gentlemen.

- Thank you.

- Serve the food.

- But your guests haven't arrived.

- They'll be a little late. Serve the food.

- The food will be cold.

When it gets cold bring it back

in the kitchen and get more food.

- Just put it on the bill, that's all.

- Very well, sir.

There they are.

Hey, look at that big table they got.

They must be gonna throw a party.

Yeah, and in a joint like this,

that costs plenty.

- Yeah.

- Come on.

Thank you.

- You picked a nice place to run up a big bill.

- High class.

- Oh, very.

- Wonderful, boy. Well, eat up.

- Eat plenty, it's our last meal.

- Okay.

- This is really a gorgeous place and...

- Wonderful.

Look at that wall over there.

Isn't that a beautiful wall?

You know what that wall reminds me of?

This one here.

Stop, walls are walls.

Suppose you bore a hole in that wall?

- I walk over and bore a hole in the wall.

- Why would you do that?

- I'm not boring a hole in the wall.

- Why should you?

You said, "Suppose you walk over

and bore a hole in the wall. "

I was dopey enough to say

I would go and do it.

- Don't blame me.

- Makes no difference.

- I don't bore holes in walls.

- That's what I wanna know.

- I don't have to get out through a hole.

- You see that.

- They got exits here if I wanna...

- Exit?

- E-X-I-T out.

- What makes you so dumb?

- It just comes to me naturally.

- Sure.

You walk into a baseball field.

What teams are playing?

- I don't know.

- Then what are you doing there?

I don't know.

You got me in, now get me out.

What is the first thing you buy

in a baseball field?

A hot dog. Without mustard.

- Mustard goes with a hot dog.

- Not with mine.

- Mustard was made for the hot dog.

- I don't like mustard.

- They go together.

- Let them. I don't wanna spoil any romance.

Do you know they spend millions of dollars

to put up factories to manufacture mustard?

Do you know those factories employ

thousands of men?

Just to manufacture mustard?

And those men take care

of thousands of families and homes?

All on account of mustard! And you.

Just because you don't like mustard...

What do you want them to do? Close those

factories and put them out of work?

You're telling me 'cause I don't eat mustard,

I'll close down a mustard factory?

You're telling me all those people are

making one little jar of mustard just for me?

Tell them not to make any more

'cause I'm not gonna eat it.

All right. So you don't like it.

- I like Worcestershire shauce.

- What?

You can't even shay it.

But I don't go for mustard.

- No, I don't like it. I like this.

- You don't know why you dislike it?

I'm not gonna put nobody out of work.

I told you before.

- All right, forget about it.

- Okay.

Sit here like a big dummy.

I don't know why I hang around with you.

- You can't answer a question...

- You said I was putting people out of work.

- That's what you are doing.

- I'm not.

Men, husbands walking the streets,

doing nothing.

- I'm not putting husbands out of work.

- You don't know what a husband is.

A husband is what's left of a sweetheart

after the nerve is killed.

Now listen, no remarks out of you.

I ask you simple little questions,

and you say nothing at all.

- Ask me an easy question. A tiny one.

- Will you answer it?

Suppose you had $5 in one pants pocket

and $10 in the other, what would you have?

- Somebody else's pants on.

- You won't answer the question.

I ain't got any money. Why are you asking

me those kind of questions?

Quiet.

- Look here. Say you're 40 years old.

- Who's 40?

- Just say, pretend...

- I'm a boy.

- All right, pretend you're...

- I'm a boy.

- I'm not 40.

- Pretend you're 40 years old.

And you're in love with a little girl,

say, 10 years old.

- This one's gonna be a pip.

- Wait a minute till I finish it.

Now I'm going around

with a 10-year-old girl.

- I got a good idea where I'm gonna wind up.

- Wait a minute.

Now you're 40, she's 10.

You're four times as old as that girl.

You couldn't marry her, could you?

- Not unless I come from the mountains.

- Never mind.

- I'm asking a simple question. Answer it.

- Go ahead.

You're 40, she's 10.

You're four times as old as her.

- You can't marry her so you wait five years.

- I wait.

Now you're 45. The little girl is 15.

Now you're only three times

as old as that little girl, right?

So you wait 15 years more.

Now the little girl is 30, you're 60.

Now you're only twice as old

as that little girl.

- She's catching up.

- Yes. Now here's the question.

How long do you have to wait before

you and the little girl are the same age?

Now go ahead.

There's a very simple question. Think hard.

- The whole thing is ridiculous.

- What's ridiculous?

If I keep waiting for her she'll pass me up.

She'll be older than I am.

- What?

- She'll have to wait for me.

- Why should she wait for you?

- I was nice enough to wait for her.

- Stop.

- Who does she think she is anyway?

- She doesn't wait for me, I don't marry her.

- Marry her?

- If she's a nice girl...

- Wait. Do you know her?

Why should you marry a girl

you don't even know?

I asked you to ask me a simple one, didn't I?

All right. Now take it easy.

We're going to jail fast enough,

don't get excited.

Ask me a simple one.

- Every time I talk...

- Ask me that question slow again.

- I get headaches when I talk to you.

- Take an aspirin.

- You're telling me to take aspirin.

- It's good for a headache.

Have you a license to practice medicine?

Doctors all over the world,

they study, they spend their lives...

they go to college to become doctors!

And you tell me to take an aspirin.

When one friend has a headache,

another tells him to take an aspirin. Simple.

- You have no business.

- Don't take the aspirin.

So I should go around with a headache?

There's a fine pal.

- Then take a Bromo Seltzer.

- Never mind, I'll take what I want!

Say you're in the Grand Central Station,

New York City.

Right? Will you stop that, please?

Put it down.

You're in the Grand Central Station.

You buy a ticket.

- Where are you going?

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