The Nothing Men Page #2

you laughing at junkie?

(Laughter) (Rustling)

Vince stop it! You do that in front of

the new bloke, we'll be fried for sure.

Like I care. Anyway, he's gonna fry

us smoking that sh*t all the time.

That's it Simon. No more

smoking this sh*t! Come on man.

This is bullshit. What are you

doing?

This isn't bullshit. We all

stand to lose a lot of money.

You're just paranoid. He's a spy, alright?

Maybe we're overreacting Jack.

I mean, the guy could be legit.

He may just be one of us.

We're not taking any chances.

Make the most of today boys. We

clean up later.

As of tomorrow, we sit here

like statues for two weeks.

This prick is getting nothing

on us.

(Soft music)

(Soft music)

(Soft music)

(Soft music)

(Soft music) Jack, how would

you describe

sex? Sex is the most fun you

can have without laughing.

Women are funny creatures.

Treat them like a

lady. With respect. Compliment.

Tell them a few jokes. They love humor.

Believe me, it works.

They'll line up on you. Buy

them things.

They love being showered with

gifts.

Show them that you love them

and you'll be rewarded.

You'll both be out on the

street.

You're a f***ing smart ass,

aren't you Jack?

No, I'm just a mate that has an

opinion.

Nobody wants to hear it.

Maybe not Des, but what

do you think these blokes

if they knew their wives were being f***ed

right under their noses.

What are you talking about? You

know what I'm talking about?

Shut up!

(Soft music)

(Soft music)

(Soft music)

The bloke down the street might

know better jokes.

(Honking) Ah, munchies.

Finally! (Laughter)

Can I have two sausage sandwiches, two pies

with sauce, a packet of chicken chips,

two strawberry milks. You sure

eat a lot for a little guy.

Des, this must be killing him.

I wouldn't put up with it.

Look it.

I can't believe you and Louise

are doing it man.

She's just beautiful.

I think she could finally be

the one.

Really? Absolutely.

(Laughter)

Hello. How are you? Good.

Did you miss me? Mmm-hmm. How

much?

That much.

Sorry Vince. The usual?

(Crinkling)

What are we doing tonight?

As long as I'm with you, I

don't care.

Three fifty please Vince.

(Crinkling)

(Laughter) (Jingling)

(Laughter)

You're the biggest spunk in the

world.

You are.

(Ominous music)

(Rain)

(Rain)

(Screeching)

(Heavy breathing)

(Soft music)

(Soft music)

The inlaws last night Des. I swear

the old dragon is getting uglier.

I spent last night in bed with

Louise.

You're joking.

Did you have sexual

intercourse?

No, I wouldn't let her.

Of course we had sex! What is

she like?

Does she do everything? The

works mate. Does she pop?

You're cumming in your pants

Vince. Go to the bathroom.

Sex is all in the mind.

Just don't think about it.

Especially you Vince. What do

you mean, especially me?

Let's face it, you're a garden gnome

and if you keep thinking about

the beaver you're only going to

go crazy. Why?

Because you won't be getting

any. Why not?

I just told you. Your appearance

is your main obstacle.

Obviously, there is no mirrors at

your place, Des. What's that smell?

You been smoking that sh*t

again?

You were warned yesterday. The new

bloke turns up and smells that sh*t

we're all f***ed.

Don't let him out!

(Intense music)

You think it's a joke, don't you.

You're a selfish little girl.

Put him in the vice on the bench. I

worked all my f***ing life for this.

You're not gonna f*** it up.

(Groaning)

You were told yesterday,

weren't you? Yes.

You know, what I'm going to

chop off. You do, don't you?

Here it comes. Here it comes.

You little prick. I'm serious.

It's gonna happen boy.

That's enough Jack. No it's not

enough Wesley.

We got two weeks to go and this b*tch

is gonna f*** it up for all of us.

She knows the new bloke is a spy and

he could walk in here at any time.

Alright, sweet cheeks. That's

your fun for today. Here you go.

Can't spend all day amusing you.

Now, did you like that one? Was

that a good one? Thanks.

Having a bit of fun are we?

Who's Jack?

I am, why? I believe you used

to be the foreman.

I'm Dave.

Well, this looks very cozy.

Very nice indeed.

What else do you do to amuse

yourself?

Drink a bit of beer do we? What

do you mean?

Nothing, it's just the empty

can under the bench.

Is the phone

in the office Jack? Well, who

do you want to call?

That's personal.

Get the f***ing can. Get it.

(Scraping)

Who's he f***ing calling? Head

office, no doubt.

Just sit still and do nothing.

Keep that can in your pocket.

His word against ours.

Hello Maggie.

Hello. It's me. I'm here.

Bye. (Beep)

Here he comes.

Who's chess set? I love chess.

It's Wesley's man.

He's unbeatable. Is that right?

I don't know about that.

Would you like a game Wesley? I

love a good challenge.

They really tested me at King's

Grove.

Fantastic.

Black it is.

(Soft music)

(Soft music)

Try to play as much as I can. I

play my son Garreth most nights.

Well, when he's not at soccer

training.

He must be quite the player.

Yes. How old is he?

Fifteen. Seventeen. Beats me

almost every time.

Everything I have taught him.

Checkmate.

Well played.

Would you like another game

Wesley?

There's still plenty of time

before lunch.

What you worried about lunch

for?

You can eat any time you want.

I'm going home for lunch Jack. Nobody

is allowed to go home or leave

the workshop. Not even during

lunch time. Company rules.

Yes, I know the rules. I've got

permission.

Who the f*** from? Management.

How'd you get permission to leave

the workshop but nobody else can?

It's personal.

Which hand Wesley? Let's try

that one. That's the white.

(Ominous music)

(Nature noises)

(Beep)

Female voice:
Hi there David.

It's only me.

Just letting you know, I'll pick up

Garreth from soccer training tonight OK?

I thought we'd visit mom on the

way home. Dinner is in the oven.

See you soon sweetheart. Bye.

(Click)

(Ominous music)

(Ominous music)

(Click)

(Rattling)

(Running water)

(Ominous music)

Kings Grove. He gloated about

it. We all did see.

I'm going to the toilet.

No way Simon. Can't trust you

anymore.

I really need to take a dump man.

That's what you said yesterday.

I know, but this time, it's

true man.

Bullshit. Sit down and shut up.

(Slam)

Morning gentlemen.

Um, you playing Simon? No, you

sit here.

I'm just going to the toilet

anyway. No you're not.

I really need to take a dump man.

You just cross

your legs and sit on your perch or something.

Put your music on but and stay

out of the sh*t house.

F***ing fascists.

Why can't he go to the toilet? Is

there a bomb in there or something?

How did you know? He said bomb,

d*ckhead. Bomb.

Simon has a masturbation

problem.

What's the matter David?

Your boy seventeen. He has

taken it up by now, wouldn't he?

Plays a bit of soccer, doesn't

he David?

Ah yes, he's very gifted. He's a

great soccer player. I bet he is.

Oh, he's played representative

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