The Nutty Professor Page #2

Not tonight, Cletus.

- I'll kick yo' ass.

- Sherman.

I cooked all this food.

Is that all you gonna eat?

You supposed to eat that,

not scalp it.

Daddy, all the calories

in the chicken

are found in the skin.

"Where all the calories is"?

You know where that come from?

Watching that damn TV.

Every time you turn it on

somebody talkin' about

lose weight, get healthy.

Everybody lookin' all anorexic,

talkin' about that's healthy.

I know what healthy is.

And I don't know why everybody

tryin' to lose weight

in the first place!

Ain't everybody supposed

to be the same size.

We're all different.

Big, small, medium, midgets.

You supposed to have all that.

Everybody wants

to be the same size,

like that Oprah Winfrey.

She gon' lose her weight.

Wasn't nothin' wrong with her.

She was fine. Oprah was a fox!

She lose all that weight,

her head look all big.

And Luther Vandross.

N*gger used to be the black Pavarotti.

Lost all that weight,

lookin' all ashy.

Oprah and Luther need to

keep their ass one weight,

'cause I'm confused.

Yes, I hope nothin's wrong with Oprah.

She doesn't look well.

There ain't nothin' wrong with Oprah.

I seen Oprah on Hard Copy last week.

Was the picture of health.

Got her a tall, young, strong

gentleman named Steadman.

So handsome.

- Amazing grace

- She's my favorite out of all of 'em-

- - Jenny Jones, Marilyn Kagan,

Maury Povich.

Letterman, Leno.

Montel, Ricki Lake.

- I like Geraldo.

- Mike Douglas. Ohh, Mike Douglas.

You know, Mike Douglas used to

make me moist when I'd watch his show.

I admit it. Only white man

ever did that to me was Mike Douglas.

I would like to volunteer to take

this old bird out of her misery.

- Cletus! Don't you dare

say that about Mama.

- No, no, hold it.

You ain't gotta protect me from Cletus.

Come on, Cletus.

Come on over here.

It ain't but a short walk.

Come on over.

You gonna limp back. You'll walk over,

but you're limpin' back.

But don't let the gray hair fool ya.

I ain't no easy win, n*gger.

Your problem is, you don't work out.

Look. That's all muscle.

- Ohh!

- You fat. I'm muscle.

Ohh, look at my little b-

He's a little Hercules.

Show me your muscles

again. Ohh!

Hercules, Hercules,

Hercules, Hercules!

Once you work out, your

metabolism starts to speed up,

you can eat anything you want.

- He's so strong.

- Recent studies have shown...

that certain people

are genetically predisposed

to gaining weight.

Someday we might even

find a cure.

Only thing you need to study

is your ass.

- I got a big ass.

Your mama got a big ass.

- Cletus!

You do have a big ass.

Asses is big in our family.

You need to get used to that.

I don't care what diet you go on.

You can sew up your stomach

and your a**hole-

you gon' always be fat.

All I'm tryin' to say is

scientific breakthroughs

are occurring all the time.

The only thing about to

break through is your ass

through the seat of your pants.

Sherman, I think I do remember

hearing something on TV

about colon cleansin'.

They say everyone

should have one.

I'm thinkin' about gettin' me

an appointment and gettin'

my colon cleansed thoroughly.

- You want your colon cleansed?

I'm gon' clean mine.

There. Now my colon is clean.

Squeaky clean.

Every time we have a meal,

you break gas. Don't break gas

and destroy our meal.

You the one that brought up

colon cleansin'!

I did not say anything

about breakin' gas!

You can talk about puttin'

a tube in somebody's ass,

but I can't break wind.

- I didn't say nothin' 'bout

puttin' a hose up nobody's ass.

- What you think a colonic is?

- You think you run your

a**hole by the car wash?

- You're chokin' the baby.

As long as I pay the bills,

I do what I want at this table.

- Case in point:

- Who that called my name?

- Yeah, I called you if your name is-

Keep insulting me.

I'll toss this between

the crack of your ass.

- I can go all night.

- I hope you fart

'til your a**hole falls out.

Ohh, my baby too!

- Oops. Now see what you made me do?

Goddamn it,

I messed up my pants.

- Damn, Daddy. You rotten.

- You got to clean 'em yourself!

Oh, Lord, this has been a fabulous,

wonderful, fabulous evening.

Look. Them dogs done

tore up my garbage.

- Cletus, the dog's ripped open

the garbage again!

- Shoot the damn dog!

- I'm not shootin' no dog!

- I'm tryin'

to watch Roseanne!

- Thanks for dinner, Mama.

- Sherman, what's wrong with you?

Baby, you still worried

about what your father said in there?

Oh, son, listen to me.

You are special.

When the good Lord made you,

he made you beautiful inside and out.

You can do anything, Sherman.

All you got to do is believe

in yourself and you can do anything.

You're so handsome.

Gimme some sugar.

Love you, Mama.

Love you too, baby.

Nighty-night. Ohh, my baby.

Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.

Fabulous.

Cletus, come clean

this garbage up!

- I'm watchin' TV!

- Get your lazy ass up.

- Mind your own damn business!

- You lazy mother-

Professor?

Oh. Hi, C-

Uh, Miss Purty, um-

You caught me in the middle

of a little step aerobics

I was doin' out here.

Ninety-eight, ninety-nine,

one hundred.

I looked your address up

in the faculty directory.

I hope you don't mind.

- No, not at all.

What can I do for you?

- Oh, well, I was, uh-

I was, um-

I was wonderin' if-

one night if, uh-

when you weren't busy-

You get a little hungry,

you might want to, you know, uh-

If you planned on going out

to get somethin' anyway,

on an occasion like that,

you don't wanna

do that alone, so-

Professor, are you

asking me out on a date?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'd love to.

- Really?

- Yes.

That's fantastic!

We can go any place

you wanna go.

Just name it.

We'll go there.

- Uh, there's a place my students

go to called The Scream?

- The Scream?

- I mean, if that's too-

- Oh, no, no, no. I love to scream.

Who-o-o-oa!

- Screaming's good for you.

Cleans the epiglottis.

Get all the phlegm

and mucus down.

That's disgusting.

- Just tell me what night.

- How's Friday?

Friday night's perfect.

The best night of the week.

Friday night at 8:00.

- Friday night at 8:00.

- Great. I'll see you Friday night.

We'll go to The Scream.

It'll be a scream at The Scream.

- All right, Professor,

I'll see you then.

- Good night, Miss Purty.

Good night.

Yes!

Mmm. Yeah, Friday night

at The Scream.

Gonna scream-

Friday night

Friday, Friday, Friday

Friday night

Friday, Friday, Friday

I got myself a date

Friday night at 8:00

And I will not be late

She might be my mate

That would be so great

Great, great, great

Great, great, great

And I can hardly wait

Lilo, Peabo, Lou Rawls-

Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy P.

- - Number six! Yeah!

Whoo!

- Close the door

- Let me give you what

you been waitin' for

- Whoo!

- Baby, I got so much love to give

- Don't hurt 'em, Teddy P!

And I wanna give it all to you

I waited all day long

Just to hold you in my arms

And it's exactly like

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