The Nutty Professor Page #9

of formula,

I'll have enough cellular stability

to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!

You drink that much formula at one time

and it will kill you!

If I drink it all at once, yes.

If I drink half now

and half later, that's safe.

At midnight, I don't have to worry

about turning into no Klumpkin.

If you don't mind, I have

a date at the alumni ball, and

you have a date with linoleum.

Who?

No, no, no, child.

Not a wild party. Not Sherman.

He's too shy for something like that.

He hates parties.

In fact, we tried to have a party

for Sherman when he was 18 years old...

and he's so shy,

he didn't even show up.

Well, I must admit,

it didn't seem like the Sherman I knew.

Oh, no, not my baby. Maybe he

loaned his house out to somebody...

- or one of his buddies

was throwin' a party.

- Yeah!

Is that a test tube in my pocket?

Or am I just happy to see you?

- Oh! How dare you?

- Oh, you know you loved it.

- I felt you percolatin'. Whoo!

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

Thank you so much.

Oh! What you servin' here?

This stuff is na- Y'all got to get

some collard greens and yams!

- Some red beans and rice!

- Some "Buddy" is right.

- This ain't no party!

This ain't no ball!

- Dr. Love!

Y'all gotta get y'all

some peach cobbler up in here!

Dr. Love!

Where the hell have you been?

I've been nursemaiding Hartley

for three hours, and if I

didn't need that money-

Shut up! Who you think

you're talkin' to, Sherman Klump?

Man, if you ever talk to me

like that again, I'll kill ya!

I don't mean that as a euphemism.

I mean I'm gonna literally kill ya.

I'm gonna strangle you and cut off

your air supply until you pass away!

Now find the rich dummy a seat.

It's show time.

It's show time, everybody!

Show time!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

That's enough out of you!

That's it. You're the reason

everybody fallin' asleep.

Take a break, N*gger-ace.

Take the Everly Brothers

with you. Get outta here!

Look at everybody sleepin'

because of y'all! It's show time!

Whoo! Now why are y'all lookin'

at me like y'all don't know me?

- Y'all know me!

- I don't know that fool.

How 'bout now?

You recognize me?

- I don't know that fool.

- Maybe it's because...

this morning

I weighed 400 pounds!

You should've seen me.

Look at me now.

You know how I did it?

One sip.

I know why he like that,

'cause he drunk.

- Be quiet!

- Don't tell me to be quiet!

He drunk!

I like to call it

"Buddy's Wonder Tonic."

I know what

wonder tonic you had.

- Right on schedule.

Cellular destabilization

due to arrive in exactly three,

- two, one-

- Ain't that a b*tch!

- What the hell?

- My goodness!

Hey, moneybags, you want

a demonstration? Well, then

feast your eyes on this.

That's a hell of a trick.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

for my final demonstration-

Look out, David Copperfield.

I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man...

disappear forever!

No! Wait!

I cannot let you do this anymore!

This has got to stop!

This man is trying to kill

Professor Sherman Klump!

- That's it. I'm glad I brought my knife.

- Mm-hmm. And I got my razor.

- Hand over the vial now!

- Oh, sure thing, hamster boy.

But first,

a short musical interlude.

- Buddy!

What has gotten into you,

and where is Sherman?

Sherman is gone!

- Disappeared!

- What the hell-

And that's a pretty good trick for a man

with an ass as big as his.

- Oh! I'm late for an appointment.

Ladies and gentlemen,

say good-bye to Sherman Klump!

I hate being called hamster boy.

- Ahhh!

You just don't know

when to quit, do you?

It's too late, fat boy.

It's over!

Let go! Let go!

- My goodness!

- Damn!

Give it up, fat boy! It's over!

It ain't over 'til

the fat professor sings!

- Let go of my hand, you fat mother-

Say one more word, Buddy,

I'll tear your arm off!

It's time... we take...

Nestea... plunge!

Whoo!

- Gonna get the hell outta here

in a second. It's okay.

Ah!

- Ahhh!

- Sweet Jesus!

- Sherman!

- Sherman, don't do this! You need me!

No, I don't!

You fat ass!

Tinkerbell!

- Blubber butt!

- Featherweight!

Somebody better call

an exorcist!

Sherman! Sherman!

You can't beat me!

This is some scary sh*t!

Yes, I can!

- Ooh!

- Sherman, come back here! Sherman!

- What's happening to me?

Everything's getting real dark!

Oh! I feel real jiggly!

I'm blubbifying! Sherman!

You need me!

I taught you to be confident!

You needed me, Sherman!

Sherman!

No matter what-

No matter what,

ya got to strut.

I ain't gonna be pickin' up your big ass

all night, Anna. Sh*t.

- Oh, my God.

- Well, I'll be damned.

If you give me a moment,

I believe I can try to explain.

My research is, uh-

Well, uh, when

I started out I wa-

I wanted to help people.

But I became desperate

and selfish.

What I did was wrong.

Buddy's who I thought

the whole world wanted me to be.

He's who I thought

I wanted to be.

And sometimes when you

want something so, so bad,

you do just about anything

to get it.

But I learned one thing

from Buddy.

I learned that life

is not about...

bein' happy about how much you weigh,

but just bein' happy with yourself.

I'm terribly sorry about

all this. I hope I haven't

ruined everybody's evenin'.

Please excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Sherman!

Sherman!

Sherman, wait a minute.

Sherman, why did you lie to me?

Why didn't you

say anything?

I didn't think you'd have me. I mean,

the fact of the matter is I'm a big man.

Now, I will lose weight, but I'm

always gonna be big no matter what I do.

So, anybody I wind up with is just goin'

to have to accept me for who I am.

And more important, I'm just going

to have to accept myself for who I am.

Sherman,

I don't have a date tonight.

Would you like to

dance with me?

- Professor.

- I thought you might need this.

- Yeah, I guess

I tore this one up, huh?

- You know one thing I couldn't

stand about that Buddy?

- What's that?

- He was too damn scrawny.

Okay, Professor!

Lookin' good!

- Have I mentioned we also have

a terrific English Department?

- I'm giving him the grant.

- What?

- I hate to admit it,

but you're absolutely right.

- He's a brilliant scientist

and a gentleman as well.

- Well, I told ya!

- Will you shut up!

- I'm fine with that.

Ooh! Sherman, Sherman, Sherman,

Sherman, Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!

- Light as a feather tonight.

Come on. Bump me.

- Whoo, yeah!

Oh, oh, my goodness!

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

- You didn't hurt yourself, did you?

- I'm fine.

- Yeah!

- Fabulous!

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