The Nutty Professor Page #8

Come on! Help me

burn this stuff up!

Yeah! Hey, this is goin'

down to Mr. Wilson downstairs!

The roof, the roof,

the roof is on fire!

The roof, the roof,

the roof is on fire!

Sherman?

Sherman?

- Sherman?

- Sherman?

Sherman?

Sherman, is that you?

Are you all right?

Oh, hi, Carla. Hi.

- Did you have a party last night?

- Oh, no.

My cleanin' lady's, uh-

Cleanin' lady's sick, so I

got to clean up myself.

I see.

You sure she didn't die?

Oh. Look, I'm a little embarrassed

about the way how my place is lookin'.

- Why don't I clean up

and get back at you later?

- No, no, no.

Sherman, I need

to talk to you now.

- It's about Buddy.

- He hasn't been misbehavin', has he?

He's an egotistical pig,

and I wish I never met him.

But, Sherman, I owe you

a very big apology.

- You owe me an apology?

- Yes. Last night-

I was only trying to help-

I insisted that Buddy Love

speak to Harlan Hartley.

He took all the credit

for your research.

- Now Dean Richmond-

- Where's Buddy?

- Oh-

- Buddy came here?

- No!

- So what's this?

- Are you guys-

You guys share girls?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- I guess I was next on the list.

- No, you don't understand.

I cannot believe

I came over here feelin' sorry for you.

Carla, will you please

just listen to me?

- I assure you it is not

what it appears to be!

- You're no better than he is!

You are just as sick as Buddy,

and I don't wanna see you or him again!

Ca-Carla, please

just listen. Carla!

"Eviction notice"?

"Violation of noise ordinance"?

- Professor?

- We have to get to the lab right away.

- Whatever it is...

is gonna have to wait until later.

No, that's the thing.

There's isn't gonna be a "later."

Professor, what did you do last night?

Jason, I have

such a bad hangover,

I honestly

do not remember.

Well, the good news is

I'm not going to kill you,

not physically, anyway.

I am, however,

going to kill you professionally.

You're not only fired

from this institution,

but I'm going to make sure

you never get hired by any

other college in the state,

the country, the world,

maybe even the universe.

Unless, of course, they're looking

for teachers on Planet Fat.

Oh, by the way,

Buddy Love is going to be using

your invitation to the alumni ball,

so show a little school spirit

and see that he gets it.

We're in the money

Put that food down!

They ate yesterday!

...really tight and say,

"Yes, I can."

- Say it again.

- Yes, I can!

Hey, chunky drawers!

Hey, tank ass!

What are you eatin'? Muffin? Strudel?

Put it down. Let me talk to you.

If you're receivin' this

message, that means you

went and plumped back up...

to your usual,

fat, sorry, stuff-my-face-

'til-I'm-almost-dead self.

Is that what you did?

Shame on you, Sherman!

Do you know what you did last night?

You had the time of your life.

Do you know you can get arrested

in 50 states for the sh*t

you did just last night?

- Oh, my goodness!

- You know what you need to do?

You need to go down to the

laboratory and mix up another

batch of this blue stuff.

Come on back to the party, Sherman,

because Carla doesn't want you.

She wants me.

Me, not you.

So come join me,

because you can't beat me.

You can't beat me.

You can't beat me!

Yes, I can!

- Yes, I can.

Professor, I got your message.

What's up?

I'm goin' to that alumni ball tonight,

and I'm gonna reclaim my life.

Yes! I'm so glad

to hear you say that.

Get things straight

with Miss Purty,

- and I'm gonna get that grant

from Harlan Hartley.

- Excellent.

Jason, we have seen the last

of Buddy Love.

Horace, good to see you.

The jitterbug contest just started.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Your table's upstairs.

That's another joke.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

When did you marry

Sharon Stone?

Keep those legs crossed.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hartley! Damn it!

And where the hell

is Buddy Love?

- No sign of him yet, sir.

- Here's an idea.

- Find him!

- Yes, sir!

- Harlan.

- Well, Richmond. Where's

your Professor Buddy Love?

Oh, with you it's always business.

Let's get to know each other man-to-man.

Now, if our files are correct,

you and your fabulous wife

have a terrific daughter.

I'm divorced,

and my daughter is in rehab.

So you're saying

our files are not correct.

Listen, you pompous butt-kisser.

I have a check in my pocket

for $10 million.

Your Buddy Love has 'til midnight

to prove that formula works.

He'll be here, the formula works,

and you have the check.

Really? On you now?

Because on behalf of- Which pocket?

No, don't tell me.

Let me smell it. Punch?

Oh, come on now.

Look at this.

I can't eat this.

This stuff is too tiny.

I can't get full

off this mess!

I think it's wonderful,

all the precious little finger foods.

Finger food?

I got a finger for 'em.

I ain't paid no hundred-dollar ticket

for no finger food.

I could go down to Subway,

get me a sandwich for three dollars.

I gotta pay a hundred-dollar ticket

for finger food?

You must be crazy to think

I'm gonna eat this-

- You're getting on

my damn nerves! Shut up!

- I'm hungry!

There's Carla. I wonder

if she's seen Sherman. Carla!

Carla. Oh.

Oh, oh!

- Oh, you look fabulous.

- Thank you, Mrs. Klump.

- Have you seen Sherman?

- Yeah, where's Sherman at?

I ain't come to pay no

hundred-dollar ticket

to suffer this alone.

- Cletus, shut up, please!

- Hey! That's strike two.

I don't think Sherman

will be coming tonight.

Yes, he is. Sherman called me

and told me make sure we was here.

He got a big announcement

to make- something about

gettin' it all off his chest.

Have you noticed that Sherman's

been acting kind of strange lately?

Sherman has definitely

been acting strange lately.

I knew it!

See, Cletus? I told you.

You really think I be listenin' to you.

I ain't listenin' to you!

Well, Mrs. Klump, I hope you have

a wonderful evening.

Oh, you do the same.

Thank you so much.

So precious. Look at

your little purple dress.

They gonna think we twins.

- Mr. Klump.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Fabulous.

You know, Cletus, I think something's

goin' on between her and Sherman.

You don't go get up

in Sherman's business.

That's Sherman's business.

Sherman's business?

That's my business. Sherman is my baby.

Sherman's 35 years old!

What you talkin' about he's your baby?

- I don't wanna hear it.

Shut up, please! Carla!

- That's strike three, damn it!

Don't you walk away from me,

goddamn it!

- Hey, this is the last of it, Professor.

- I'll tell you this, Jason.

If I'm gonna change my life, it's not

gonna come from some magic drink.

Gotta come from a lot of hard work

and exercise and plenty of these.

Good-bye, Buddy Love.

Hello, Megashake.

Professor?

Oh!

I lost 300 pounds

in 30 seconds!

- Thanks, Megashake!

- You tricked him!

You damn right, hamster boy.

I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me.

That can wreak havoc

on a man's sex life.

See, I've done

some calculations of my own.

If I drink 500 milliliters

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