The Nutty Professor Page #7

I see kindness, I see warmth.

And that's the side of Buddy

I wanted to get to know.

I just got way

ahead of myself.

And here I am, talking your ear off

once again about Buddy.

No, it's quite all right, really.

Listen, Carla,

don't you worry about Buddy.

I'll find him for you.

Thank you, Sherman.

Thank you for being

such a good friend to me.

A good friend.

Good night.

Good night.

- Professor?

Is that you?

I just finished

the grant proposal.

What's the matter with you? Never seen

a brother wearing a circus tent before?

- Black man can't go campin'?

- Now, wait a minute.

You- You can't be you.

We agreed that

you wouldn't do this.

Someone has to tend

to chunky butt's sex life.

Chunky butt is extremely horny.

Excuse me.

But Professor Klump

has a meeting tonight with

Harlan Hartley at the Ritz.

I'm gonna be at the Ritz

tonight, but it will not be

in the interest of science.

No! I can't let you go.

Professor!

If you're in there

and you can hear me, come out!

Professor, listen to me.

The testosterone levels

are way too high.

- You can't control him.

- Oh! Jason!

- What?

It's me, Sherman. I'm talking to you

from deep down inside Buddy Love.

Listen to me closely. Go in

the back room while I'm holding him...

- and get the coagulant serum

off the back shelf!

- In the storage closet?

- Yes, Jason! Hurry, Jason!

- I got it!

- We don't have much time. Let's move!

- I got it!

Professor!

Professor!

I have an appointment with love!

Good night, hamster boy!

- No, Professor!

"Sorry I haven't phoned,

but I haven't been myself lately.

"Join me for dinner. Buddy Love.

P.S. I've enclosed a wallet-sized photo

for your enjoyment."

Buddy, how can I stay mad at you?

This is gorgeous!

You're gorgeous and I'm gorgeous, so we

should be in gorgeous surroundings.

- Let me get the room key.

- Wait. Hold it.

I didn't say anything

about going to any room with you.

You said you were

taking me to dinner.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you think that- Oh!

Oh, my- Hey, hey, hey.

Slow down.

I just want to spend

some time with you, by ourselves.

I don't want to

share you with these people.

I want to eat, alone, quiet.

I would never disrespect you.

I'm a puppy dog.

Please, can I go

get this room?

- Yes?

- Yes.

I'd throw him in the river

with a Buick tied to his neck.

He'd probably drag the car down.

- Miss Purty. Purty!

- Dean Richmond.

Have you seen Professor Klump?

He's 40 minutes late.

If Harlan Hartley walks out that door,

$10 million goes with him.

Oh, Lord. I'm gonna have to lay down

in front of his car.

- Let's go.

- Buddy, you know Sherman's research.

He's late for a meeting.

Fill in for him.

No, it's a nice thought, but he'd

have to know Sherman's research.

You know Sherman's research?

Who are you?

You might say I'm a visiting professor

who might be staying for a while.

- I do know Sherman's work.

In fact, I am Sherman's work.

- Buddy!

Do you think you can do Klump's job

and crowbar that dough out of Hartley?

There's not a job on this planet

I can't do twice as good as Sherman.

Good. Follow me.

I'll go do this just 'cause

you asked me, not 'cause of him.

You just stay put.

I've got to go be brilliant.

Look at your fine self.

I bet you have on

a thong made of licorice, don't you?

Excuse me.

All righty!

Well, this had better be

Professor Klump.

Klump? That fraud,

that hack, that no-talent.

No, sir, this is the man

behind Klump's work, the real genius.

I give you

Professor Buddy Love.

All right, Professor Love. You have

one minute to show me your research.

No, you got it backwards, Rockefeller.

You have one minute to listen.

May I borrow this?

You haven't used it, have you?

Don't want to get

your boogers on my fingers.

Okay. Here we go.

25N times C.

You have to excuse my handwriting.

I'm in a bit of a rush.

- You have a pleasant evening.

Good night.

- Uh, Professor Love,

don't you think Mr. Hartley would like

to know what that means in lay terms?

- Oh, you mean rich-dummy terms?

I'll break it down for the rich dummies

in the room. Listen up.

If you eat nasty stuff

like this-

I know it looks good,

and some of y'all like pork chops,

but this greasy, nasty pork chop-

there's a gene in your D.N. A...

that routes this straight

to your fat cells, and it

causes unsightly conditions.

The arm is taking on a gelatin

sort of vibe. It's quite nasty.

To my left, this gentleman

has turkey neck.

To my immediate left,

this woman is suffering

from what we like to call...

"saddlebag syndrome."

To my extreme left,

this young lady is suffering

from what I like to call "tank ass."

Please, sit down.

Not tonight. I'm your brother!

Like I was saying, everybody,

where there's a will, there's a way.

There is a way we can

turn these genes off.

I'm not talking about

using exercise or diet.

I'm talking about

by taking a simple solution...

that helps reconstruct

your metabolic cellular strands,

thus giving you the appearance

of, in medical terms, gluteus minimus.

Or, in layman's terms,

an extremely tight, wonderful ass.

Let's give a big round of applause

for the woman with the nice ass.

Her ass is so nice, don't you agree?

She's worked so hard.

Have a seat.

Oh, are these girls with you?

Everyone has a nice ass

at this table.

Is this the nice-ass section?

- Where'd you find this man?

- Harlan, it's an outrage.

I assure you he has no affiliation

with this school.

- He's brilliant.

- Exactly my point.

It's an outrage that his brilliance

has no affiliation with this school.

That's why I found him

and brought him to your money.

Attention.

Brought him to your attention.

- My goodness, it is time

to take my medication.

- Professor!

Hartley loved you. He's going to be

at the Alumni Ball tomorrow night.

If you can prove the formula works,

the ten million is ours!

What makes you so sure

that the money is ours,

instead of just being mine?

You're good, Love. Very good.

How'd you like to fill in

for Professor Klump

on a more permanent basis?

That's what I had in mind.

- He talked to me first.

- Hey, I'm the one

with the gluteus minimus.

Will you guys just chill?

He said he could handle all three of us.

With a name like Buddy Love,

I bet he can.

Carla, are you ready to go upstairs?

I guess not.

Hey, wha- Where ya goin'?

What's your problem?

They're my problem, and you can handle

all three of them, huh?

Oh, well, I thought after dinner

you might want to have

a little group activity.

After all, Buddy does have

a lot of love to give.

Oh, you are one sick,

twisted freak!

Oh, come on, Carla.

What's the- Hey!

Go on, leave!

There's more titties over here anyway!

Think I want them two titties.

I have six titties.

I had two titties.

Now I have six. That's multiplication.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

- Boys will be boys

- Whoo! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!

Oh, yeah! This is what I call

burnin' calories!

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