The Nutty Professor Page #6

the screaming and the firing.

If anything goes wrong

for any reason,

I'm going to kill you.

I don't mean that as a euphemism.

I'm going to literally kill you.

I'm going to strangle you

and choke off your air supply...

until you pass away.

Ooh, okay.

'Til Friday, then.

It's a date.

Sir, this is incredible.

It's- It's a complete

metabolic transformation.

How did it happen?

- Was it an accident?

- No, I did it to myself, Jason.

You did? Why?

If it was for the grant,

the data with Shelley

was already so compelling.

Well, I have compelling

reasons of my own, Jason.

I have a case of infatuation

of sorts with Miss Purty.

Professor, if you feel this way

about Carla, why don't you tell her?

It'd be a lot simpler

than transforming into-

This guy's testosterone levels

are right off the charts.

He was mean last night.

It was so unlike you.

- You know, I did feel that.

- Sir, you can't control him.

Jason, you have no idea

what it feels like to be Buddy Love.

It's indescribable.

It's just wonderful!

The way people talk to him and

treat him, and the way she looks at him.

But he's dangerous.

He almost killed us last night.

We should be concentrating on getting

the grant proposal to Harlan Hartley.

This is nuts!

I guess you're right, Jason.

I never have behaved like this before.

But on the other hand,

I've never been in love before.

Ever.

- Afternoon, Carla.

- Hi, Sherman.

- How are you doing today?

- Pretty good.

I come over to see how things

were going with you and Buddy.

I wish I knew.

We went out last night. It was great.

We had such a wonderful time.

And then all of a sudden

he runs out of the club.

He has some allergic reaction.

- I don't even know if he's all right.

- He's fine.

He told me that his lip

swelled up, he put ice on it

and the swelling came down.

- Kinda strange, huh?

- Well, did he even ask about me?

Did he say why he didn't call me

and let me know he was all right?

Carla, Buddy's kind of unreliable.

He's kind of what you call

a "here today, gone tomorrow"

kind of fellow.

- Oh, I see.

- Mm-hmm.

So he had you talk to me

because he's not interested anymore.

- No, it's nothing quite like that.

- Look.

I know what it feels like

to be brushed off, and it's okay.

This is all my fault.

I should've never encouraged

you to go out with Buddy.

Sherman, you have been so sweet.

I'll just have to forget about him.

I'll see you later.

Carla.

I was wonderin' if, uh,

I could talk to you

about you and I for a second.

I was-

I was wonderin' what

you were doin' later, 'cause...

the family gonna get together.

She made a meal and...

we gonna be eatin', so I figured if you

not doin' anything for dinner,

we'd love to have you,

if you want to come over for dinner.

We'd love to have you

over for dinner.

I'd love to.

- Would you, now?

- Yes, I would.

Should we call and make sure there's

going to be enough food?

I don't think that's

going to be a problem.

- There's nothing

like being with family!

I am hungry. Come on now.

- Carla, where are you from?

- Chicago.

- Oh, Chicago!

We have family there.

- Windy City, huh?

I was workin' on a skyscraper

in Chicago once and my lunch

blew off the 27th floor.

Yeah, I figure your fat ass

would remember somebody's

sandwich flyin' off a building.

- Oh, baby, eat some bread.

Miss Purty, are you and Sherman

havin' relations?

- That's a good question.

- Uh, no, Grandma.

It's not like- like that.

We're colleagues.

- Oh.

- We just work together.

That's how it start out- colleagues.

Me and your grandfather

was colleagues.

Next thing you know he's on top of me

in the shed, pumpin' and a-sweatin'.

- It's not like that.

- Will you hush up?

You never brought a girl home.

The least you can do

is let us talk to her.

Yeah, I'd like to get to know her

a little better myself.

Ain't nothing wrong

with havin' relations.

Don't be ashamed of that.

Relations is beautiful. When I was young

I used to always have relations.

Every night, if a nice gentleman

bring me flowers and candy,

take me to a movie,

show me a lovely evenin',

then I would take him home

and give him hot, lovely relations.

Relations is a beautiful thing.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Especially two young people.

- That blowhole.

- Cletus!

- Sometimes when I'm alone,

I relate to myself.

- I can relate.

- Oh, Mama.

- I don't wanna hear

this sh*t while I'm eatin'.

- Cletus!

- I'm gonna kill you later.

- Carla, do you like children?

- Yes. Oh, that's wonderful.

I can't wait for Sherman

to bring me home some grandbabies.

I know you're gonna

enjoy making them babies.

Got those childbearing hips.

- Baby'll pop right out.

Your family got any money?

I ain't payin' for no big-ass wedding.

I know a wonderful minister.

What religious background are you?

I still got my wedding dress.

If you want it, I'll take it in.

You'd look so lovely in it.

It's white, though.

Can you wear a white wedding dress,

young lady?

Now, Sherman,

you can wear a white tuxedo.

'Cause you know Sherman- Sherman

has never had relations.

Mama, you gonna

embarrass my baby.

- I hope you got a strong back.

- Oh, look at my baby blushin'.

When you get all that man, and release

all that that's been built up...

for 35 years-

Just wantin' and wantin'

and wantin'!

Whoo! Might make

your head blow off.

Pop goes the weasel!

I got my own self hot

tellin' that story.

Pop goes the weasel,

'cause the weasel say "pop"!

You gonna get married

here or in Chicago?

Do you cook?

'Cause somebody's got to

feed my Sherman.

Yeah, I know a wonderful church

down there on Main Street,

but they won't marry you

if you're a lesbian.

Not that I have anything

against lesbians. I love lesbians.

- Lesbians is cool.

- There's nothing wrong

with a little bingo.

A little cunnilingus

ain't never hurt nobody.

- Why is it the woman always gets the

choice where they're gonna be married?

- Tradition.

Tradition, my ass! I ain't gonna pay

for everybody flyin' to no Chicago!

- You know how much plane tickets cost?

- You cheap bastard.

We're gonna have to

drive down there.

I'm not driving over to Chicago.

Sherman gonna have relations

- My baby's not gettin' married-

There you go again, poppin' off gas

in front of this lovely young lady.

We're trying to have a meal.

Put that brake on this gas.

I hope your ass

turn into a frog.

- Don't nobody want to hear

your flatulence, Cletus Klump.

You're such a disgrace!

- I stopped holding my gas

a long time ago.

- You spoiled the dinner!

- Say one more word-

- Listen, Carla,

I want to apologize

about my family back there.

- I think they got

the wrong idea about things.

- Oh, no. I should apologize.

I'm so sorry if I seemed

distant tonight.

I still have Buddy on my mind.

- You really care for Buddy, huh?

- I don't know.

I mean, on the outside,

he seems so cocky and brash.

But when I look in his eyes,

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