The Nutty Professor Page #5

I can't breathe!

- Excuse me, brother.

- I can't breathe!

- Okay.

- Brother, man!

You almost killed me, man!

I had to give myself

the Heimlich.

You mind waitin' for

the punch line first, brother?

I'm sorry.

You're so funny.

You're so funny the way you take

a person's personal defects

and flip it around.

Like you pick somebody

in the room and say,

"Look at your foot,"

and everybody look at it

and start laughin'.

That's funny sh*t.

You're on your way!

You goin' to the top!

You're the next Lenny Bruce!

- Why, thank you.

Thank you very much.

- That's genius.

That'd even work with me

doin' it to you.

If I say, look at Reggie's

gums and teeth. His mother

had an affair with Mr. Ed.

- See? Everybody's laughin'.

They can visualize your mother

in a barn with Mr. Ed.

Look what I'm doin', Wilbur.

Look at me!

You snappin' on me?

Are you snappin' on Reggie?

It's your teeth, Reggie.

I don't know whether to smile at you

or kick a field goal.

Hey, Reggie! It's good!

It's all good!

And, man, what's wrong

with that breath?

I can smell it over here.

Reggie, your breath

is so stink, people

look forward to your farts.

- Breath smell like sh*t.

Do you smell sh*t?

I smell sh*t.

Oh! Oh!

You done did it now, boy.

I wasn't gonna say nothin'

'cause I like black people.

But it's time to attack black.

That's right. The gloves coming off.

Don't hurt me now!

Maybe it's time for Reggie

to lay into your mama.

- Whoo!

- Oh! Oh, yeah!

Maybe it's time for Reggie

to talk about your mama

a little bit.

- You're the man, Reggie!

- Your mother's so fat,

she went to Sizzler's,

and the b*tch got a group discount.

- Uh!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Aah! Ha! Ha!

- Uh-uh!

Okay, fat jokes!

You want to do fat jokes?

All right.

Your mother's so fat,

the b*tch need a Thomas Guide

to find her a**hole!

All right!

Wait, wait, wait.

Your mother's so fat,

after sex I rolled over twice,

and I'm still on the b*tch!

- Your mother is so fat,

she fell in the Grand Canyon

and got stuck!

Reggie's mama's so fat

that the b*tch gets her toenails

painted at Earl Scheib!

Earl Scheib!

Earl Scheib!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hey, hey, get off the stage, man.

You ain't in show business.

Reggie's mama

is so fat,

her blood type

is Rocky Road!

- Isn't that somethin'?

Reggie's mother is so fat,

her belt size is equator!

Get it? Equator?

Let's get a big round of applause

for Reggie's mama's ass...

that brought us

so much joy tonight.

Yeah!

That's a big ass.

Enough! Silence!

I can't take this sh*t

no more.

Now, you done talked

about me enough, boy!

I tried to be peaceful,

but now it's time for Reggie

to "karatasize" your ass!

- Whoo!

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, Reggie, I heard of dreadlocks,

but "shitlocks"?

- That's not your hair.

Take that pile of sh*t off your head.

You go too far with the comedy.

Oh, oh- l- l-

Come on! Come on!

- What's that?

- Oh, yeah, it's my style, boy.

You didn't know Reggie studied.

- What style is that?

- This is called

"Kick-Your-Ass Style," boy.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Reggie done studied on the

streets. Oh! Come on!

Oh! Oh! Aaah!

Oh, you quick, but I'm quicker.

- Watch my feet.

- Come on with it!

- I'm gonna come on with it.

I'm gonna- Ha!

- Hey! Aaah!

- Oh, damn!

- Ladies and gentlemen,

me and Reggie want to send one

out to a very special lady

in the house tonight.

- - Lovin' you is easy

'cause you're beautiful

Do-un-do-un-doo-doo

Reggie?

- Let go.

That was pretty.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Reggie has left the building.

Thank you, and good night.

Oh, stop it! Stop it!

Now, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you so-

Oh, please, please,

come on now.

Hey, who pinched my ass?

Cut it out. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

That's good.

All right. Thank you.

Can you get the bill for me?

Thanks, man. Too much!

- That was amazing.

I can't believe you did that.

- "Amazing" is my middle name.

I only wish Professor Klump

was here to have seen it.

Listen.

This is our moment.

I don't wanna ruin it

with talks of Sherman.

You know, your eyes,

there's something...

very familiar about them,

as if I already know you.

You know, I feel the exact same way

about you, Miss Purty.

Mmm. Miss Purty,

let me tell you.

That kiss was probably the most

wonderful kiss I've ever-

What I meant to say was that, uh-

- Your lip.

- What?

- Your lip is swollen.

- My lip?

- Yes.

- Oh, my lip! Oh.

That happens every time l-

What kind of lipstick do you have on?

- Chanel.

- That happens every time I have

Chanel lipstick on my lips.

An allergic reaction.

Oh. It's giving me gas too.

You have to go catch a cab.

I gotta go to the drugstore

and get some Benadryl and Kaopectate.

- Excuse me. Have a

pleasant evening. Bye-bye!

- Buddy! Buddy, wait!

- - Oh, man.

- Hey, Professor Klump is here?

- Yeah.

- Where is he?

- Uh, there he is, right there.

- That guy gave you this credit card?

- Yup.

That's not Professor Klump.

- That's not his credit card. Hey!

- What?

Hey! Hey!

Okay, fella, what are you doing

with the professor's credit card?

Where'd you get it?

I'm sorry. Perhaps you need

the money more than I thought.

- Aaah!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

That's a bus!

You're gonna kill us, man!

What the hell is the matter-

Oh, man! This is

Freddy Krueger sh*t, man!

Professor?

Hello, Jason.

What's happening?

First time we had to use one of these

without an accident.

The class left

20 minutes ago.

Dean Richmond!

Oh, hello, sir.

You caught me in the middle

of an experiment I was doing.

I was trying to see how

the students would respond to

a teacher-less environment.

Teacher-less environment.

New field of research for you?

- Uh, yes, sir.

- Interesting. Always thinking.

That's good, Klump.

Let me know your results.

Would you mind explaining this?

Oh! Yeah, well, um,

my car's in the shop, so-

So you put a $47,000 luxury car

on your faculty account.

Initially, l- I requested a Yugo,

and this is all they had.

If it's all they had,

it's all they had.

After all, men like us

can't walk around now, can we? Hmm?

Come on.

Oh, well, well. I'm glad

you're takin' it like that, sir.

I thought you was gonna get

angry and start screamin'...

and hollerin',

and maybe even fire me.

Whoo!

Oh, Sherman, Sherman. In the end

we know so little of each other, hmm?

No, my friend, I've got

bigger fish to fry.

I spoke to Harlan Hartley.

He's offering that tiny trinket that

could save your entire research program.

- Oh, yes. Absolutely.

- I set up a meeting with him.

He wants to hear your grant

proposal personally- Friday,

the Ritz, dinner, 8:00 sharp.

Well, sir, I think that's

a wonderful idea, sir. Absolutely.

- And I promise you,

I will not let you down.

- I know you won't.

I know you're going to be there,

and you're going to be great.

- In fact, I know you're

going to be perfect.

- Do you know how I know?

- How's that?

'Cause if you're not perfect,

never mind the yelling and

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