The Object of My Affection Page #6

It's very impressive for an American

Shaw scholar to do so well in Europe.

You OK, honey?

How did we get back so quickly

to the "honey" stage?

Maybe we never should've left it.

- So, how's your student?

- Back with his girlfriend. He's screwed up.

So you wanna be friends now?

Just so I know.

- That is exactly your problem, George.

- What?

Your lack of self-worth. You have

no idea how important you are to me.

Thank you.

So, I've been thinking about you a lot.

You're living with a woman in a dump

in Brooklyn, and I'm lonely and missing you.

We can do better than that.

- Nina!

- Hi.

- You missed Spielberg and Peter Jennings.

- Oh, I bet they sent their best regards.

Sweetie, don't start the weekend like this.

What are you wearing?

- Ai! Hello, honey. How are you?

- Good.

- Where's George?

- With his old boyfriend - where he should be.

Constance, he's not with his old boyfriend.

- You told me he went away with Dr Joley.

- Doesn't mean he's with him.

Sally, sit down and buckle up.

I want you to relax this weekend. Take walks,

eat well, let Sidney and me take care of you.

- And me.

- And Sally.

We're gonna have a nice, relaxing dinner.

Just old friends, and Stephen Saint is coming.

You'll never believe it. He's just dying to see

you. You made quite an impression on him.

- Hello. Dr Robert Joley.

- Ah, yes. Dr Joley.

We have you down for three nights

and a king-size bed.

- Twin beds.

- I don't know I have a room with...

- We'll take the king.

- I have twin beds. I'd be happy to exchange.

- You sure, Mrs Skinner?

- Surely.

- Thank you, Mrs Skinner.

- No sense in you being on top of each other.

- Right at the head of the stairs.

- Thank you.

I thought we had the discount rate.

That is the discount rate.

Through the dining room.

- Dr Joley, I presume.

- Well, Rodney Fraser.

You're one of the reasons

I agreed to come here.

Thank you.

I see you've lost none of your charm.

- Congratulations on George Bernard Shaw.

- Thank you.

Such a treat to read

an American perspective on the subject.

Oh, this is Paul James. Dr Robert Joley.

Have I met your friend?

- George Hanson.

- How do you do? Paul James.

- You in the theatre?

- No, a graduate of our host college.

Really? "The return of the native".

Well, look forward to seeing you both

around the campus, hm? Bye.

- Bye-bye.

- See you.

I wonder if Mrs Rodney charges by the hour.

Let me tell you, when my first wife

left me she wanted to take my clients.

I understand the house, the car,

but my clients?

You know, since we last met, I've done

some heavy therapy and taken up yoga.

- And I quit advertising.

- Mm.

So I know this might seem premature,

but I'm ready to be the father of your child.

Good night.

Good night.

And our thanks to Mrs Gutierrez

for an interesting question

and a spirited response from the panel.

And now we move on to, um...

oh, another question from Mrs Gutierrez.

Oh, yes. How do you feel about

great works of literature

being transformed into musical comedy?

That sounds like one for

our academic colleague. Professor?

Well, um, I should begin by saying that

I think My Fair Lady

is a complete distortion of Shaw's Pygmalion,

as is West Side Story of Romeo and Juliet.

But then I hate all musicals.

I believe they're middlebrow,

populist and frankly dangerous.

So it's a clean sweep from Dr Joley.

I have seen shows

in cross-gender clubs in Berlin

that has far more theatrical impact

than anything I have ever seen on Broadway.

- You mean women dipped in chocolate?

- I am talking about serious artists.

I have never recovered from Ulrika Schinkel's

brilliant production of Beethoven in Bondage,

set amongst the ruins of the Reichstag.

Something that may interest you, Rodney, is

German theatres are filled with young people.

Nina! Mommy says

we're all taking a picnic on the beach.

- Oh, honey, I'm waiting for a phone call.

- Mommy, Nina's waiting for a phone call.

Sally, go get your father. Go.

- I'll come down later, I promise.

- Jesus Christ, you're always moping.

- You're a guest here. Make an effort.

- I have made an effort. Stephen loved me.

I hope you realise he's currently

in bed with his old boyfriend.

- Who, Stephen?

- The man whose call you're waiting for.

You know, I enjoy gay people.

I just have a problem with my sister

being in love with one of them.

I am not in love with him.

Even when I was desperate to marry Sidney,

I never carried on like you. And he's straight.

But this is an even crazier choice

than Vincent. You're not even f***ing him!

Can I ask you something?

When was the last time

you and Sidney had sex?

- That is not the point.

- Exactly! Doesn't it all turn into friendship?

Yes, but normal people start out someplace

you and teacher are never gonna get.

- Look at yourself. You're a psychiatrist.

- I am a social worker, Constance!

Oh! Will you just let me live my goddamn life!

Read my lips. George is G-A-Y.

Gay! That means

he never sleeps with women.

- He has slept with a woman.

- What?

- Lucy Jane Parnell.

- Oh, please. Don't tell me. In high school?

They all try women once in high school,

but you're nutty enough to believe that based

on that, you can bring him to his senses.

A gay nursery-school teacher

is a one-way ticket to nowhere.

I'd love to go to a place like this -

read, sleep, have great talks, sex...

Well, we didn't actually have much of that.

We did talk about it a lot.

- Did you act at all?

- Me? No, not really.

- You an actor?

- Well, trying to be. That's how I met Rodney.

- I sat in on his world theatre class.

- What's his take on world theatre?

Well, Rodney's very picky. He likes Damn

Yankees and Shakespeare - butjust to read.

He's never seen a production

up to his standards.

Don't you get flak from your actor friends

being with a critic?

Well, I've never been with him with him. It's

just that he came up to me one day after class

and he's been sort of like my mentor

and my family ever since.

Oh, I thought maybe

you lived together. I'm sorry.

We do live together. He offered me a room

so I can save my money for acting lessons.

Well, I've always had

terrible judgment.

My entire freshman year I had a crush

on a guy named Trotter Bull the Third.

- He looked just like one of those rowers.

- Looks like pretty good judgment to me.

Except he had a girlfriend.

I actually got up the courage to talk to him

one night about Walt Whitman.

He probably became an investment banker,

had four kids, all named Trotter,

and never talked about poetry again.

I'll talk to you about poetry.

Sure. Any time.

How about a swim?

- Whoo!

- Wait for me!

Hey!

I've got it. It's for me. Sorry.

Hello.

No, she's at the beach.

Uh-huh.

It's Martha Stewart for Mrs Miller.

- Yes?

- Is it the Martha Stewart?

Yes.

Oh, will you hold on, please?

Miss Stewart, I'm having

a big problem with my azaleas.

Uh-huh.

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