The Odd Couple II

My God.

The old cockahs in the stands are better

than the young cockahs on the field.

- He just missed someone in the crowd!

- Crowd? We could all go home in one car.

Maybe he should lay down a bunt.

This guy couldn't lay down a carpet.

Now he's over swinging.

Don't complain.

At least he's cooling off the place.

Strike!

I envy you covering the Mets.

I bet you miss New York.

What was I gonna do?

They sold the paper to an Australian.

Lucky it wasn't to the Japanese.

I couldn't read the batting averages.

- Oscar!

- Hiya, Peaches.

I'm having a dinner party Friday night.

We're short one man.

How about Abe here?

He's a short man.

You can run, Oscar,

but you can't hide. See you.

That's such an original expression.

I hate women who talk like Muhammad Ali.

- Conchita!

- Tough loss today?

I'm suicidal. If I call 911 tonight,

any chance of mouth to mouth?

Yeah, beso loco.

Don't you look at a good ass anymore?

I'm not allowed to look at pastrami,

why should I look at an ass?

- Are you coming to the game tonight?

- I'll be late.

I have to pay my respects.

A friend in my building died.

- What did he die of?

- He got hit by lightning on a golf course.

He should have been using his woods.

Find out what his rent was.

I'm always looking for cheaper.

See you at the game.

I used to make that shot.

My wife and I are fed up with this!

I'm filing a complaint.

- Are you gonna clean this up?

- Absolutely.

Whatever the cats don't finish

I'll clean up later.

Where is Oscar?

Coming! I'm in!

Nobody bet. Hold the bets.

I got a raise coming.

- How are we doing, girls?

- Everybody's in except Esther.

- Esther, you didn't make your straight?

- Who knows? I can't see the numbers.

Why can't we play with the big cards?

We tried that. Every time I shuffled

Abe's toupee blew off.

Not any more.

This is the kind you can swim in.

If you swim with that rug,

they'll think you're building a dam.

Who gets the lemon loaf cake,

no cholesterol, no fat, no taste?

- That's mine.

- One chemical sponge cake for Millie.

- Thanks, darling.

- You're welcome.

Wanda, you vixen, you know how

that perfume drives me crazy!

You really like it?

- Yes, and I see I got you beat!

- He always does that to me!

Don't worry. I lost so many brain cells

today, I forgot what I just saw.

Just like my third husband,

he should rest in peace.

How do you know he's dead?

Maybe he's just bluffing.

Who wants nachos

with cottage cheese chilli?

- That's mine.

- One Jenny Craig Mexican style

type of casserole dinner

for senorita Abromowitz.

And we have a cherry soda for Abe.

- Where's Abe?

- Here.

Sit on a magazine.

I can't see you.

This isn't cherry, it's lemon.

Now it's cherry.

- Whose bet is it?

- Millie raised a quarter, so it's 33 cents.

You need nerves of steel for this game.

I'm in. Let me get that.

We never finish the game.

All right, I'm coming!

Whoever it is, I'll pay on Thursday.

- You sound good, Pop.

- Brucey! How are you?

Hold it down!

It's my son from California.

My sister lost three pairs of dentures

in the earthquakes.

- How did she eat?

- She sent out.

- Are you still an actor?

- Yeah.

- I got a call from CBS, I might get a pilot.

- That's terrific!

- My kid may get a pilot.

- He got his own plane?

A pilot is a television show

that doesn't get on television.

That's not why I'm calling. I've got

big news, I'm getting married this week.

- Married? Why?

- Because I love her, that's why.

You didn't say it was a girl.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

My kid is getting married.

There goes my Rachel's last chance.

It's this Sunday afternoon.

Think you can come?

Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away.

Where is it?

- At her mother's house in San Malina.

- What was the name again?

San Malina. It's about two hours

north of L.A. We'll send you the address.

If I'm not being too nosey,

who the hell are you marrying?

She's an actress. She's beautiful.

She's so talented and very smart.

- And she loves your son.

- I love her already. So who is she?

- Hold on to your hat, Pop.

- I need a hat to hold on to?

She's not one of those six foot ten

basketball players, is she?

- As long as she's thin.

- I can't hear you.

Whose daughter?

Whose?

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry.

Miss?

Excuse me, I wonder if I might change

my seat into the non-smoking section?

The entire plane is non-smoking.

There's no one smoking on this aircraft.

Possibly the attendants who clean

the planes at the airport

were smoking in here.

I'm very sensitive to that.

I'm sorry, but the entire plane is full.

It's not just the smoke.

The woman next to me is wearing

a perfume that I have an allergy to.

- I've already moved you once.

- That was because of hair spray.

I know that I sound crazy,

but I just happen to be one of those

hyper-allergenic cases. Can't you try?

You mean sniff every woman until you find

a perfume you're not allergic to?

I didn't complain about the food.

I didn't eat it, but I didn't complain.

You asked for the Hawaiian mahi mahi

and I told you that we only serve it

on the west to east flights.

I thought there might be one piece

of mahi mahi making the return trip.

Forget it, I'll manage.

- I have some cough lozenges, if you like.

- Thank you, no.

I have an unusually small windpipe.

If it got stuck,

I could be dead in two minutes.

Are you having trouble breathing?

I'm nervous because my daughter is

getting married on Sunday in California.

In San...

- Well, I've got a friend picking me up.

- How nice.

Are you all right? Your face

is turning blue. Do you need oxygen?

Yeah, but you never know

who's been using that before.

Stewardess!

Excuse me.

I see my bag. Excuse me.

What happened here?

What do you call this?

This is mishandling of luggage!

It's a federal misdemeanour.

Did you see this?

Oscar?

Felix?

Oscar!

Felix!

Look out!

We haven't even said hello

and I've got a broken leg.

It's just a sprain. Hello, Felix.

- Let me know when you gonna hit a bump.

- OK, that was a bump.

Here we go, we're all set.

Maybe we could stop

and get a pair of crutches some place.

I'll keep my eye open

for a crutch store.

I'm sure there's a lot of them

on the freeway.

Hold on to me

and let's hop over to the car.

That's it.

Now you've got it.

Bend down and slide into the seat.

You know what I mean?

- Tell me when it hurts.

- That hurts.

I've got a good idea.

Don't tell me when it hurts,

it's gonna hurt anyway.

When I count to three, we'll do it all

in one big move. One, two, three!

- Oh, God!

- I like '"it hurts'" better.

Got you some ice from the machine.

It'll keep the swelling down.

I need something to put the ice in.

Put it in your sock!

What am I, an orthopaedic?

- Foot feeling any better?

- It's a piece of frozen meat.

Hang it out the window, it's warm out.

I'm starving.

I haven't eaten since last night.

- Didn't they serve on the plane?

- No, my fish was flying east.

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