The Odd Couple II Page #2

Here's my complimentary nuts.

Go ahead.

If your teeth keep chattering,

you'll have peanut butter in three minutes.

Do you know

what the fat content of nuts is?

Not to mention the salt content.

I could have a heart attack at the wedding.

- I haven't seen you in eight, nine years.

- 17 years.

You couldn't even remember that we

haven't seen each other for 17 years?

I didn't dwell on it.

So your hair got whiter, your ears

got bigger, your nose got longer...

but you still retain that unique, elusive,

pain in the ass quality

that drives me berserk.

Well you have changed.

When I saw you at the airport,

I thought you'd died

and your mother came to tell me.

- I heard that line on the Seinfeld show.

- It's how fast I thought of it that counts.

Open the window.

I want to throw the water out.

It is open.

Sorry, they must have just cleaned it.

Feeling better now? What's the matter?

Did you sprain your tongue too?

I'm angry at myself.

I shouldn't have yelled at you.

We've always had bad chemistry.

We mix like oil and frozen yoghurt.

- But I'm glad to see you anyway.

- Me too, Oz.

- I was some kind of nut in those days.

- From pecan to pistachio.

I guess I still am.

I hate mess and I hate disorder.

I went to a hypnotist to try to cure me.

- It didn't work, right?

- No.

He was late.

I straightened up his office and left.

You better pull off the freeway.

I got to pee.

How are you doing, kid?

Are you the waiter?

What do you want?

- $5.

- Why should I give you $5?

Your friend said you would for telling

you he's locked in the bathroom.

Why did you tell him five bucks?

He would have done it for a quarter.

What freeway are

we supposed to be on?

- The 405.

- I think that sign back there said 101.

If you didn't have the brains

to pee back at the airport,

how do you know what the sign said?

Reading and peeing

are two different things.

At your age you're lucky

you can do either one.

Is your daughter like you? She's not going

to clean up after the reception, is she?

My daughter is wonderful,

and your son is damn lucky to get her.

- Let me tell you something else.

- Don't. That's why I moved to Florida.

We keep this up,

I'll be living in Guatemala.

That's fine by me.

Are you retired now?

Me? Never! I'm doing part-time

charity work at the hospital.

- You mean bed pans and stuff like that?

- No.

I read to them. I read them stories,

write letters for them, tell them jokes.

It's good for me too, you know.

After my last wife...

You've probably heard about that.

Sorry to hear that.

I heard she went quickly.

Moved out while I was asleep.

Never even left a note.

Is that three divorces now?

Three divorces,

two broken engagements,

and five women who disappeared

on the first date.

Went to the ladies' room,

never came back.

You just had some bad luck

with your personality.

I haven't given up.

Somewhere out there,

I know there is a right woman for me.

- Should I stop the car and look?

- No, but pull over, I got to eat.

I have this low sugar condition,

I have to eat every four hours.

Why didn't you eat

when we stopped at El Pollo Loco?

Because it wasn't time to eat,

it was time to pee.

Make out a timetable,

when you're going to eat, pee,

fart, cry and sleep.

That's the last time I pull off the freeway.

I suppose you never have to pee?

I do it for half hour in the morning

and then I'm through for the day.

What have you got there?

What are you doing?

How do you know which ones to take?

Doesn't make any difference.

Whatever they fix, I've got.

- Don't you take them with water?

- With the local water?

Water from around here?

Don't you know how many pesticides

they have in the local water?

Lower your voice, people in here

don't know they'll be dead in a week.

Didn't you fix that yet?

Almost. Just one...

What the hell...? Open a window.

- How long was I asleep?

- I didn't know you wanted me to time it.

We're off the freeway.

Are we almost there?

- I don't think so.

- What do the directions say?

They are gone.

I threw them out of the window.

What the hell made you do

a stupid thing like that?

Well, I had them on my lap

so I could read them.

I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell

on my crotch, the map caught fire.

I had the choice of finding the house

or burning one of most

important parts of my body.

- Guess which I picked?

- So you just picked any exit and got off?

- I had to get off some place.

- This isn't some place, this is no place.

Pull over, I'll get the directions

out of my suitcase.

- Where is my suitcase?

- In the trunk.

- No.

- Did you look good?

The trunk is this big. It takes

a second and a half to look in there.

Your 1927 piece of cardboard

is there, but my suitcase isn't.

What are you talking about?

It's got to be there. Let me look.

I'm going to try to stay calm

while I say the next sentence.

If it isn't in there, where in the hell

is my goddamn suitcase?

This is a wild guess.

I'd say it's in front

of the Budget Rent A Car office.

- In Los Angeles?

- That's a good guess, too.

God Almighty.

We're going to go back and get it!

It took us two hours to get here.

It'll take five hours to go back,

cos I don't know how we got here.

Then we'd have to make three stops.

One for you to pee, get locked in the john,

pay a kid $5 to get out,

and then we'd have to stop for you to eat!

Do you understand what I'm talking about?

What did you have in there?

An ironing board, some spot remover?

I'll pay you.

In that suitcase

was my black formal afternoon suit

that I bought to wear to give

my daughter away in marriage.

And a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray,

which I bought as a wedding present.

And in that suitcase was

$10,000 in cash,

which I intended to give

to my son-in-law on his wedding day.

In your suitcase, the police will find

your broken, smashed,

mutilated and dissected body

in the event that you don't go back

and find my f***ing suitcase!

Why don't we ask Budget to deliver it?

Deliver where?

You've crisscrossed California

more than the covered wagons

did 100 years ago!

And tell them to follow the burnt pieces

of directions on the freeway?

We drive to the first town we see

and then we'll call Budget.

That was my best leather suitcase.

How long is it gonna stand

on the sidewalk unclaimed?

Somebody will be eating pizza tonight

on my daughter's silver Tiffany tray.

Come on back in the car.

If it's still there, they will get it to you fast.

Federal Express, UPS, fax...

You're gonna fax my suitcase to me?

I can wear a picture of my wedding suit.

- Take it easy...

- And paper copies of $10,000!

Don't get physical with me!

I'm too old to hit, but I could spit you

to death! Get in the car.

I want to know one thing,

why, when you get around me

you behave like a goddamn

imbecilic, idiotic, moronic shithead?

Wait!

Didn't you put the breaks on?

Why? I didn't know

you were gonna punch it.

We better call Budget

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