The Odd Couple II Page #3

and have them fax us another car.

- I think I know where we are.

- Where?

- In a Clint Eastwood movie.

- '"The Good, the Bad and the Stupid'"?

You're not the only one

who lost everything in his suitcase.

What did you lose, an old Mets T-shirt

and a corned beef sandwich?

I lost the most important thing in my life.

My return ticket to Sarasota.

Instead of complaining,

why don't you look for a telephone?

What makes you think

there is a telephone out here?

This is probably where they test

those nuclear bombs.

They would have to call somebody

to find out if they went off.

I thought that was a snake.

They probably got poisonous spiders

here, too.

What will they live on?

You think they're waiting

for two schmucks like us?

I got to sit down. Let's rest.

- We need to have a plan. Agreed?

- Agreed.

- What should the plan be?

- I don't care, I agreed. I did my part.

We got to find a telephone

and call Hannah's mother.

Get her to send a car to pick us up.

- You know the number?

- No, it was in my suitcase.

- We could call the information.

- In what town?

San... My daughter said San...

Don't you remember?

No, I was playing poker.

I couldn't hear anything.

- San Marino?

- No, San Cantino?

Not San Cantino.

- San Sereno?

- No.

- San Bandino.

- San Patino.

San Farina. Where are you going,

for crying out loud?

We need a phone book.

How many towns can sound like that?

In California, all of them.

San Diego, San Jos, San Quentin...

- San Mateo.

- San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.

Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzalez.

- San Jemima.

- San Jemima?

What do I know? Fernando Lamas.

Ricardo Montalban.

- Ricky Ricardo.

- San Pagaue.

- Where is that?

- Near San Piranho.

Los Pintos, Las Brisas,

Los Pecos. Sound familiar?

Yeah, they are hotels in Acapulco.

A car has to come from some direction.

You stand here,

I'm going to stand on the other side.

So we can catch all the heavy traffic

at five o'clock at Los Pecos.

You got a better idea, Los Idiot?

See anything yet?

For a minute I thought I saw

Omar Sharif on a camel.

Come back!

What was it? It just went by!

I hear something. Do you hear it?

With our luck

it's the killer bees from Brazil.

What the hell was that?

They purposely did it.

They hate New Yorkers.

Who's gonna pick us up now?

We look like a couple

of Pillsbury Doughboys.

Let's get out of the sun

before we start to rise.

What's so funny?

If we ever get there, we can be

the two figures on the wedding cake.

Hilarious.

Stop!

Hey amigos, where are you going?

- San Redondo.

- Where?

San Tamale. San Taco Bell.

We'll go any place.

- Well, hop in.

- Thank you very much.

- What are you doing out here with no car?

- It's a long story.

We're going to a wedding.

My daughter and his son.

- Then you must be good friends.

- The best.

We need to find a telephone.

Can you do that for us?

No problem. Gas station two miles

from here. I'll take you there.

- Gracias. We'll be glad to pay you for it.

- You are compadres, poor like me.

This is my wedding gift

for your children.

A wedding gift for our children.

It's more than I'm gonna give them.

- I hope nothing is wrong.

- I'd hate to break our lucky streak.

Bad news.

My cousin say mi mam, very sick.

I have to go to her very pronto.

It's back where we come from.

I go with them. They drive very fast.

You take my truck to gas station.

Leave it there. Rico, that's my name.

They know me there.

- Are you sure? We'll be very careful.

- I know, I trust you.

If you get hungry, eat peaches.

I did pretty good, comprende?

And this time, I'm gonna drive, amigo.

Which is what I should have done

in the first place, muchacho.

Why don't you use a handkerchief

so you don't get peach juice all over me?

You think we're pulling in to

the Pebble Beach Country Club?

Don't give up. We're almost home.

It's not gonna make it.

It's not in the cards.

We're riding a dead horse,

we're coming in for the funeral.

Stop being such a pessimist.

- I bet you we make this hill.

- How much?

Come on... Almost...

Yes! I knew it!

Never count me out

till the fat lady divorces me.

- What is that?

- Maybe they want some free peaches.

Stop the truck!

- Are they talking to us?

- That's a lot of cops to give one ticket.

Step out of the vehicle! Now!

Put your hands where we can see them.

I think there is some kind of mistake here.

We didn't steal the truck

and we didn't pick any peaches.

- On the ground, now!

- Cuff them.

Do you think this is about offering

that kid money in the bathroom?

You're under arrest for violation

of California lmmigration law 1407.

Transportation of illegal aliens.

You have the right to remain silent.

You two jokers, step forward.

What's so amusing now?

How are we going to tell

Hannah and Brucey

why we are 40 years late

for their wedding?

Stop worrying, we'll get out of this.

Not without a lawyer we won't.

Have you got a lawyer?

Yeah, in Florida. He's 92.

It takes him six hours to walk

to the telephone. The case will be over.

We'll just tell them the truth.

There's our guy!

How is your dying mama, compadre?

- Mucho better, gracias.

- I'll send her a crate of peaches.

- Are you going to tell them the truth?

- I told them the truth.

I said you picked me up,

gave me a ride

then I saw my friends, they took me

home and that's the truth, no?

He's got a better story then ours.

I think we're in trouble.

- Oscar Madison. Felix Ungar.

- Yeah, here we are.

- Let's go.

- I told you, didn't I?

If we go down, you go down with us!

Are you Dirty Harry?

You watch too much television.

Tell me one more time how the rented car

caught fire and exploded.

He called me a shithead

and punched the car.

- It went rolling down the hill.

- Why did you punch the car?

Because the shithead threw

the directions out the window

and left my suitcase

at the Rent A Car agency.

Why did you throw away the directions?

They caught fire from my cigar ashes

and were burning on my crotch!

First time he's hot down there for years.

I just wanted to remind you of how it felt.

OK, boys. Calm down.

You two don't

get along too well, do you?

There was a period of 17 years

that was wonderful.

Then we saw each other again.

- Who is getting married?

- My daughter and his son.

We all agree that if you two

can't find your way

to your own children's wedding,

there isn't a chance in hell

you could smuggle

20 illegal aliens across the border.

Besides we just got a confession

from the truck driver.

- You are free to go.

- We appreciate it, officer.

Wait a minute.

There's a matter of false arrest here.

I happen to have one of the finest

legal minds for an attorney in Florida.

- Let's go!

- You may hear from him.

We still don't know

how to get to the wedding.

There's a girl outside at the computer.

Give her the family's name.

She'll run it down.

Hello, Felix? We've been worried.

Unfortunately, we took a wrong turn.

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