The Odd Couple II Page #4

Everywhere.

- What was the name of the town?

- San Malina.

San Malina. That's right.

That's what I kept saying to Oscar.

- Where are you?

- In a little town called...

Santa Menendez. I don't know how far

it is from where you are.

- About five hours.

- Five hours?

If you know the way.

- Is there a hotel here?

- Down the street.

Felix! Our new underwear

has arrived. Catch!

Caught that like a major leaguer.

Look at these shorts.

I could be a waitress at a crap game.

If you wiggle your fanny right,

you can make double sixes.

Let's get a drink.

This doesn't look like our kind of crowd.

If anyone gets tough,

just show him your underwear.

- What will it be?

- A dry Martini on the rocks, please.

Martini?

- How about you?

- A double scotch for me, please.

Evening.

Hi.

Beautiful weather, isn't it?

Just terrific, honey.

If you are thinking what I think

you're thinking, forget it!

- I'm not thinking, I'm talking.

- Don't.

This is my friend, Felix.

They call me Oscar.

Hi, Felix. Hi, Oscar.

I'm Thelma.

Thelma?

You're not Louise, are you?

Like I haven't been asked that

about a million times. I'm Holly.

That's a very nice name,

especially around Christmas.

- He's cute.

- Are you staying here at the hotel?

- We're just passing through.

- So are we. Where are you headed?

- Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas.

- Just lovers of the open road, eh?

We're saving our money.

We've got a van out back.

That couldn't be very comfortable

to sleep in, could it?

Oscar, If I didn't know better,

I'd say a nice old grandfather like you

was trying to hit on a couple of ladies.

I'm not as old as I look.

I had this plastic surgery done recently.

The quack doctor botched it up.

- Your friend doesn't say much.

- He's the doctor.

- Are you OK, doc?

- I put your mouth in the wrong place.

He's still upset

because they took his licence away.

We're closing the kitchen in half an hour

if you still want dinner.

Excuse me, we haven't eaten all day.

Where are your manners, Felix?

Perhaps the ladies would like to join us

before they retire to their van?

Yeah, sure. OK.

We'll meet you at the table.

After we've freshened up.

Are you crazy?

Two middle-aged bikers.

They're tougher than the guys in the jail.

And have you thought what we could get?

'"Lucky'" is the only word

that comes to mind.

I'm not gonna let you do this.

I know it's not gonna happen.

They wouldn't even come up to our room.

And it would take two years for you

and me to climb into their van.

And the last thing I want them

to see is our underwear.

What are you doing this for?

To be wanted. To get close

to it happening one more time.

The wick is almost out.

All I want is for the candle to glow

rather than curse the darkness.

It's not going out.

Not yours, not mine.

I still have hope that somewhere,

we'll find the right lamplighter.

We just used so many metaphors,

I forgot what the hell

we were talking about.

- Good evening.

- Good evening, sir.

- Are you gentlemen here for the seminar?

- What seminar?

'"Life - Does It really Have To End? '"

Dr John Boxer. I'm 84 myself.

Dr Boxer sees no reason why I shouldn't

be around to celebrate the year 2020.

Maybe longer.

The seminar ends tomorrow.

But I have to get back to San Malina

for my daughter's sixty-third birthday.

That's where we're going.

- Fancy that! You need a lift?

- They tell us it's a five hour drive.

Come with me. You'll be there

in less than two hours.

We leave at 6:
00 am, on the dot.

- 6:
00 am?

- That sounds great to me.

That's a little early for me.

You'll never live a long life

sleeping late.

I may have some business tonight

with friends from Lake Tahoe.

These creeps closed the bar already.

But don't worry, I stay open all night.

I like a quiet man.

Talking always slows things up.

Perhaps I was wrong.

6:
00 am would be rather early

for men like you.

- Good night.

- Bye.

You go to Tahoe!

I'm going with him.

What are two wide awake girls going

to do with one hunky, funny guy?

Why don't we all write a suggestion

on a piece of paper?

I wish your cute boy scout friend would

come back. I'm just itching to dance.

I'll go get him. Don't scratch yet.

I'll see you at six o'clock in the morning.

Thanks again.

I'm coming with you, I promise. Do me

one favour, come inside and dance for me.

- Why would I want to dance for you?

- Cos I'm hunky, the other one is itchy.

Come in and dance and you can call

the shots the rest of the way.

You're a very smooth dancer.

What's your secret?

Leather soles.

Got anything closer?

I went to high school with a boy like you.

Who was he, the principle?

- What are you, divorced or single?

- Something like that.

You have very strong hands.

You work out?

No, but my door at home

gets stuck a lot.

- Having fun?

- Yes. But I think I'm stuck to your Velcro.

Someone wants to know

if there's a Thelma and Holly here.

- What does he sound like?

- Drunk and real mad.

- Got to go.

- Now? We just met.

I know, but we'll always

have Santa Menendez.

You've never met me, you never saw me,

you never danced with me.

Are you satisfied?

Satisfying is not

how I would describe it.

Remember what we agreed on.

I call the shots now, right?

- Ready for lights out?

- Yeah, ready.

Oscar!

Where are we?

- Where are we? We're in a hotel.

- I know, but where is the hotel?

In California,

in one of them Santa-places.

I woke up and was lost.

I got scared.

Do you ever wake up and get scared?

Yeah, when I wake up

and I see you staring at me.

I'm glad you're here. I don't mind

being alone but not in strange places.

- I guess it's a part of getting old.

- You want to know how to not feel old?

Hang around with people

who are older than you.

- Thanks, Oz.

- You're welcome.

Get some sleep, will you?

Everything is gonna be all right.

How about this!

How about that!

Probably gets two blocks

to the gallon.

Glad to see you both could make it.

Climb in, boys.

Thank you very much.

You certainly are prompt.

There are only four of these left

in the country and I own them all.

- You're a collector?

- No, the other three are for parts.

Hang on to your hats, boys.

Is this as fast as it goes?

It takes a few minutes to warm up

and then we ride like the wind.

It's been a half hour

and the wind is going faster than us.

Actually, we're doing 85 right now.

No, that's your clock, sir.

It says 8:
25.

Don't mind that clock,

it always breaks down.

No offence, but do you really think

we can make San Malina in two hours?

- Who said that?

- You did last night.

I think you misunderstood me.

What I meant was I can make

this five hour trip seem like two hours.

Take in the scenery, relax,

enjoy being alive and well.

Doing that, I made it back once

in an hour and 20 minutes.

Excuse me, the scent of the trees

and flowers always intoxicate me.

If you're intoxicated,

I'd be glad to be the designated driver.

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