The Odd Couple II Page #5

No, I'm fine.

- Why are we stopping here?

- Are you all right?

I think he's asleep!

When was he awake?

Move him aside, I'll drive.

What are you waiting for?

He'll wake up

and the snails will start passing us.

- He won't wake up. He's dead.

- How can you tell?

No heartbeat and no pulse means dead.

I've seen that in the hospital.

All you did was read books and tell jokes!

What do you want me to do, an autopsy?

The man is dead!

At least he went quickly.

You call 12 miles an hour quickly?

Oh, my God. Pull his head

back in before a bird sits on it.

I knew it! I strained my neck.

It always happens.

Always? You mean whenever

you try to pull a dead body back in?

Get out and push his head

back in, I can't move.

This guy is starting

to decompose already!

His hairpiece blew off. Go get it.

Why? He's dead.

Who does he got to look good for?

Out of respect! Maybe his family

never knew. Just go get it!

Keep an eye on him.

It's not a hair piece any more,

it's a nest!

Shoo him away!

Shoo! Shoo!

- Where did he go?

- He's on my lap.

On your lap?

That's not a good position. It looks like...

I know what it looks like.

Help me pull him up.

Easy...

What was that?

It sounded like a gunshot.

Maybe it's hunting season.

What animals would they have

around here?

I don't know.

Can you believe this!

Get that!

In the last three minutes

I've walked more than we've driven today.

- Are you crazy?

- I didn't do it, he did!

Check his pulse again!

- You take it.

- I don't want it. Put it on his head.

What are you doing?

I got to get his name and address

so I can tell his relatives.

This should be interesting.

You can't stop in the middle of the road.

Pull the vehicle over.

Then we'd have to move the driver

and as you can see, he's...

- Is he sick?

- No.

Is he drunk?

No, try dead.

- How did this happen?

- We don't know.

- We think God came down and took him.

- Step out of the vehicle.

So the man is dead

and you have his wallet...

...riding in an antique car

worth over $150,000.

How do you think this looks?

To you it looks terrible, to my mother,

she wouldn't be that upset.

We didn't kill him or rob him!

You believed us before,

why don't you believe us now?

I didn't expect you to keep bouncing

back here like a beach ball!

- And why did you take his toupee?

- A truck whizzed by and blew it off!

I tried to get it back.

A bird sat on it.

I shooed him and he flew away

with the hairpiece.

- You shot him? You had a gun?

- No, I shooed him!

Then a hunter shot him

and the bird fell down on the car.

The hairpiece fell on the wind shield.

I hope there is not going to be a trial.

I'd hate to repeat that story in court.

The examination reveals

he died of natural causes

and his daughter informed us

that he called last night

and said he was giving a lift

to two young men he met at the hotel.

Once again you're out of here.

But if I see you back here under arrest,

I will charge you with disturbing the law!

- You mean disturbing the peace.

- No, it's only the law you're disturbing.

There is a bus that leaves in 20 minutes.

They make a quick stop in San Malina.

Be on it, get off it

and stay out of my face.

I'm going to say something

that's going to surprise you.

Why do you have to introduce

everything you say?

It's either, '"Let me tell you something'",

or '"You may not like this,

but I'll say it anyway.'"

Just say it. Then I can

get back to my racing form

and you can start thinking

of the next thing you're going to say.

- What is it?

- I actually had a good time on this trip.

- You did?

- Yes.

- As much as World War II?

- I mean it.

Sure, it was dirty, scary,

ugly and expensive.

But I've met a lot of people

I never would have met before.

I had an adventure.

There's more to life than a job,

dinner alone and a TV show.

I feel younger now than I have in years.

Why didn't you say this last night,

when we could have used it?

- Oscar!

- Felix!

Thelma?

It's nice to see you girls again.

- What happened to your van?

- We dumped it, we were being chased.

- By the police?

- Worse, our husbands.

- Your husbands?

- We just walked.

- You never said you were married.

- We took half our money and hit the road.

Won't these guys be sore

when they catch up to you?

Fit to kill!

Especially since they found out

we were with two men last night.

- You were?

- They mean us, schmuck.

Open up!

Damn! They tracked our perfume.

Stay put and there'll be no trouble.

Sit tight, people.

Oscar? I really have to pee.

The fun is over.

Time to come home.

That shack with whisky bottles

and bacon strips on the floor?

Remember, we don't know them,

we've never even seen them.

- What did you say?

- I honestly can't remember.

That's them, isn't it?

The bartender at the hotel described them.

Couple of Martini drinkers.

Come on, honey. We don't want

to disturb the nice people on this bus.

- That's OK.

- I wasn't talking to you, Martini.

Come on. I've got some cold beer

waiting for you in the car.

Let's go.

You don't want to miss the party.

We have to go to a wedding...

...of our...

But thank you all the same.

You just don't get it, do you.

You are the party.

We just had an innocent drink

and innocent couple of dances.

- It was all very innocent.

- Get off the innocent thing.

Why would these beautiful girls

want to run off

with a couple of old geezers like us?

When the goose wants it,

the geese come running.

We're geezers, not geese.

Where do you want to stop?

Over this hill is a stretch of woods.

That will do fine.

Do fine for what?

Cook us up a couple of fine geezers.

That's funny! I'm sorry,

but that just struck me as funny.

Damn it to hell!

Don't worry.

I know them personally.

Don't you even want to talk about it?

No.

Ever?

What's the point? No matter what I say

you two still end up in here.

Would it be possible to find out the results

of the second race at Santa Anita?

- I got a trifecta going.

- A what?

When you pick the three winning

horses in the exact order of finish.

We have a wedding that we cannot get to

and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.

- I'll tell you who won.

- You know?

I won. You are my trifecta.

The same two men have been arrested

three times for three different crimes

and all three times by my men!

You know what the odds are

of that happening at any police station?

Roughly 12 million to one.

And what would it be if it happened

in a small sheriff's office

in a little town called

Santa Menendez, California?

It would be in the trillions.

No bookie would handle it.

Of all the differences

that we have had,

of all the fights,

of all those petty arguments...

We can continue talking.

He's gonna be on this for half an hour.

Of all the times I've wanted

to choke you throat, this is the worst!

If you say '"trifecta'" one more time,

I'm going to choke you until you are dead!

Then that man can arrest me

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