The Odd Couple II Page #6

one more time for one more crime,

one more time in his office

and he's gonna have a '"fourfecta'"!

So you shut the f*** up,

do you hear me?

I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba,

but it's a cigar.

Let go of him! Sit down!

Sit down! Now!

Both of you!

Since the ladies gave me a statement

that you had nothing to do

with the abduction...

I have no reason to hold you.

I'm running for sheriff next year.

I can't run a campaign

of mostly arresting you two!

I wouldn't advice it.

If I promise to get you to San Malina

in time for the wedding

guarantee you will never come

within 100 miles of this town.

No, 200. Make it 300.

Since this is the first time in 74 years

that I have been here,

- the odds of me coming...

- Don't finish that sentence!

All right, let's go.

The wedding is at five o'clock.

How are we going to get there in time?

Leave that to me.

I wish you had subways around here.

I never get lost in subways.

I'll wait for you.

They made up?

The boys will spend a month in jail

for using firearms on a public vehicle.

They always get a month.

It's the fifth time they have done this!

It's a '"fivefecta'".

There is an airport

about five miles from here.

You can't land in San Malina, but in

Rockport. It's a 20 minute cab drive.

Rockport is a name

I could've remembered.

The flight will take 40 minutes.

This car will drop you off at the airport.

A police car!

Finally a ride I can feel safe in.

I hope you won't be offended,

but I hope I never see you again.

- Get out of here.

- If you'd like an endorsement...

No.

If those guys commit a triple murder,

or rob a bank...

...just let them go.

If some travel agent booked this trip,

we could have sued them for a fortune.

Everything happens for a reason.

All this isn't for nothing.

I have a feeling there's

a divine pay off at the end.

You want to buy my half?

I'll sell it cheap.

Here we are.

We're gonna actually make it.

Oscar?

- Is that you? It is you!

- Who's that?

I'm Felice Adams, Blanche's sister.

Felice? I didn't recognise you.

You haven't changed in 30 years!

Thank you. I guess we're both

going to the wedding, aren't we?

Are you here with your husband, Larry?

- Barry. He passed away four years ago.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

- You had two daughters?

- Now two granddaughters.

Isn't that something.

This is my friend, Felix Ungar.

- Felice, sister of my ex-wife.

- Felix Ungar?

- Blanche talked about you a lot.

- I've changed since then.

Haven't we all.

They are boarding.

I'll see you on the plane.

- We have to talk.

- About what?

On the plane.

- Have a good flight.

- Thank you, you too.

And you.

- If you want to talk - talk.

- Wait till the seat belt sign is off.

You can't talk with your seat belt on?

Is that a new federal law?

When it's on, it can get bumpy.

I don't want anything interrupting

what I'm going to say.

OK, it's safe, we're bumpless.

What have you got to say?

- That's the woman.

- What woman?

The '"somewhere, some place in this world,

the right woman for me'" - woman.

- Felice?

- Even the name is right.

Felice - Felix. The first three letters

are identical. It's like an omen.

I'm telling you, this is the one.

- Who's going to tell her you're the one?

- Me.

With the '"somewhere,

some place in this world'" speech?

Give me some credit.

I've done this 10 or 12 times already.

Help me figure out a reason

to get up and sit next to her.

How about... I don't know.

How about your seat is broken?

- No, I'm a bad liar. She'll know I'm lying.

- How about if I break your seat?

- Forget it. Wish me luck.

- Are you going to tell me what the plan is?

Just watch me. Move your legs.

- Good day for flying.

- Yes, perfect weather.

Exactly.

Some plan.

If you, you chicken-hearted,

gutless wimp

if you don't go back and sit next

to that woman, you and I are through!

Do you hear?

Had a nice chat, old buddy,

pal, dear close friend of mine?

- Relax. I just set it all up for you.

- What did you say to her?

I told her you were writing an article

for '"New York Sunday Times'"

about widowed women

and womanless men

and that you would like to ask her

a few questions.

- She said, '"Absolutely! '"

- Why did you tell her that for?

It's better than you going in to the john

and banging on the walls again.

Are you going, or do I have to get

a food trolley and wheel you over there?

- I'm going. I'm going.

- Good.

- May I?

- Please do.

First I must explain

about this article that I'm writing.

What article?

The one Oscar told you I was writing

for '"The New York Sunday Times'".

He never told me that.

He never...

- What was he saying to you?

- That you wanted to meet me

and couldn't think of a reason

to sit down next to me.

I said, '"Tell him to come over,

I'd like to meet him as well.'"

'Ladies and gentlemen,

we should be arriving

'at Rockport's '"Barbra Streisand

Airport'" in 20 minutes.'

How long has your late husband

been deceased?

Almost four years. He was playing tennis

and had a heart attack.

- My last wife went very quickly.

- We seem to have a lot in common.

I just realised,

we practically have the same name.

Felix - Felice,

same first three letters.

- Did that occur to you?

- No, but now that you mention it.

And both of you don't wear glasses.

That's uncanny.

Here we are.

I swear to you, this is it.

What a place!

Thank God you're here!

- What a mess.

- What is it, what's wrong?

I can't say it.

Blanche, you tell him.

- It's Brucey. He's gone!

- Gone where?

He disappeared! He wasn't in his room.

We even called the police.

Calm down, don't cry.

It's bad luck to cry before a wedding.

No, it's only bad luck if the groom

isn't here before the wedding.

- Didn't he leave a message?

- Nothing, not a clue!

He'll show up.

My kid never ducked anything.

How is Hannah?

Can I see my daughter?

She's upstairs getting dressed.

I haven't told her.

What do you mean

you haven't told her?

What are you waiting for,

her fifth anniversary of being alone?

- Don't yell at me!

- I'm yelling at the situation!

- You haven't changed in 30 years!

- I don't believe this woman!

I haven't seen her for 50 years

and she's still trying to finish

the last fight that we had!

Everybody, please stop

behaving like children!

We tried to put this wedding

together in three days

while you take a casual

joyride in getting here!

Casual?

It's always the woman's fault, right?

Stop pointing your finger at me and yelling!

You got two other husbands here

to do that with.

Come on, Felix.

I want to talk to you about something.

How about that, Frances?

I would love to divorce her again!

- What do you think happened to Brucey?

- I don't know.

- What did you call me out here for?

- I thought you might have an idea.

What do we do?

We wait and see. Worst comes to worst,

we postpone the wedding.

I'm not going to have my daughter

humiliated because of your ditzy son!

Watch what you say about my son.

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