The Old Man Who Read Love Stories Page #2

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I, I, I don't know.

You've been in the jungle

too long, Old Man.

The jungle rots everything,

even your memory.

What does it say here?

"The...

hon...

our...

able...

honourable...

can...

di...

date..."

Candidate.

"The honourable candidate".

There you are.

- You have the right.

- The right to what?

To vote...

in the universal secret ballot...

to make a democratic choice

between

one of the three candidates

aspiring to government office.

What is this right going

to cost me?

Nothing.

Democracy is free.

Who am I supposed to vote for?

Me, of course.

The people's choice.

Mark your cross in the top box.

It's his democratic right

to do as he's told.

Fron-te-ra.

Frontera.

Next.

Yes, I can read.

I am too old for the jungle

but at least I can read.

Sar...

di-nes.

Sar...

di...

nes.

Sar...

dines.

Sardines.

"K-nock

then enter".

- What do you want?

- The sign said

- "K-nock then enter".

- I know what the sign says.

And the word is "Knock",

you idiot.

What do you want?

I want to borrow something

to read.

What to read?

Anything.

I just got a newspaper.

Three months old.

Josefina!

Bring me that newspaper!

Not thinking of starting

a revolution, are you?

No, no, no, no.

I just want to read something.

Give it to him.

He wants to read.

That cost me dearly,

Antonio Bolivar.

I had to pretend I was in for

a "quick one".

His Excellency was in a rage

and he charged me double.

Is it sad?

She said that you'd weep

your heart out.

People who really love each other?

Yeah, like nobody ever loved

before.

They suffer a lot, huh?

I just get them, I don't read them.

Is there a happy ending?

- She said you'd like it, okay?

- Okay, okay, okay.

Here's to great suffering

and happy endings.

"Lovers

of the For-got-ten Gar-den".

Clever.

Some mystery just in the title.

"Lovers

of the Forgotten Garden".

"Lovers

of the Forgotten Garden".

Now here is a question. Straight away,

even before the story begins.

This garden has been forgotten

by someone.

The question is,

who forgot this garden?

Not the lovers,

because otherwise

they would not love

this garden so much.

I hope they're lovers of each other

and not just lovers of this garden.

"Paul...

kissed her...

ar-dent-ly...

ar-dent-ly...

while

the

gon...

doo...

layer, gondolier...

looked

the oth-er

way...

and...

the...

gon...

doo-la...

gondoola...

glided peacefully...

down the canals...

of Venice".

"Glided peacefully...

down the canals...

of Venice".

Now let's go back and work out

what that all means.

A canoe!

A canoe is coming!

Must be a lunatic in this rain.

Napoleon Salinas.

Is it that cat again?

What the hell. One less.

Sooner or later he was going

to be a goner.

At least his corpse doesn't stink.

It's not completely stiff either.

What do you make of it,

Mr. Expert, hmm?

Same as your Excellency.

He left here late,

drunk, got caught in the storm,

pulled onto the shore

to see the night out...

and that's when the female

attacked.

He managed to launch his canoe,

and that's where he bled to death.

I'm glad we agree.

So our beast is getting closer.

Yes...

and probably on our side

of the river.

I can't see any reason

to sh*t our pants.

A grief-crazed jaguar is more

dangerous than 20 murderers.

Is that so?

She's scented and tasted

human blood

and in her small animal brain,

we all murdered her babies.

We all smell the same to her.

Vamoose!

I have an inquest to perform.

Mr. Expert

will help me here.

Is your name Napoleon Salinas?

It is? Good. Inquest complete.

In pater sum mea culpa

ex domine... something like that.

That looks like

a gondoola.

Looks nothing like a gondola.

It's not long enough,

there's no prow.

Gondola...

Josefina's getting restless.

Do you know anything about it?

She's a good servant and she

makes me a bit of money

on the side.

But she's getting subversive

ideas.

- Ideas.

- Yes, ideas!

What's wrong with ideas?

They upset the natural order

of things.

We don't want that, do we?

The natural order of things is upset

already. She's hunting men now.

Josefina?

No,

the jaguar.

We'll have to do something

about that then, won't we?

You're slowing down.

Back so soon, Rubicondo?

Yeah.

There was a woman's husband

waiting for me...

with a gun...

pointed at me.

- You're here for the rains then?

- Yeah.

You're looking very thoughtful,

Old Man.

Out with it.

There is a set of 5-centimetre

claws

waiting for me in the jungle.

How so?

I suspect the Slimy Toad is planning

a hunting expedition.

Well, just tell him that you're

too old for that kind of thing.

He's got one over me.

I'm not getting very far

with this.

Ardently.

Ardently. How do you kiss

someone ardently?

This Paul clearly is not

respectable

or else he wouldn't be kissing her

in the presence of the gondolier.

Obviously, this is not a kiss

to remember a life by.

A bit like my friend, the dentist.

I can just guess how he kisses.

Ah, so maybe

he's almost ravishing her.

But could he do that in a gondola

without tipping it over?

I can barely

see the word clearly,

much less work out what it means.

I'm a fool.

A man who reads love stories

and admits it

is less of a fool than one who beats

his wife thinking she loves it.

Maybe I'm not.

Okay.

Let's put Rubicondo the Dentist

in Paul's place and see if it works.

"Rubicondo kissed her

ardently".

Oh, yeah,

I can imagine that.

Hold it!

It's Alkaseltzer's mule.

- Where is Alkaseltzer?

- That's it.

Search party in the morning.

We'll see who can kill the best,

us or that jaguar.

We do not hunt the jaguar.

Their flesh is not edible,

and one skin is enough to make

adornments that last a generation.

The white man hunter,

carrying a gun,

violates death with the poison

of pain.

I brought you the best part

of the liver.

Thank you.

Listen, old fellow.

Talking

helps people see eye to eye.

I ought to have you arrested

for squatting but we're friends.

And as one hand washes the other

and both wipe the sh*t off,

we must help each other.

These are very important

gringos, my friends.

They want to see the real jungle

and I've told them only you

can show it to them.

It's a juicy deal and I'll cut

you in on it.

How about this, huh?

How much for the photograph?

Old Man? How much for the photo?

First time I fired this gun,

I killed its owner with it.

Tell this bastard gringo if he doesn't

put that photo back,

I'll pump two rounds straight

into his belly.

Clear out!

Clear out!

I don't do business

with people who don't respect

each other's homes.

You're the one who'll have to clear out,

you old sh*t-bag!

This is my house!

And who owns the ground

underneath it?

- Nobody owns it.

- All the land

next to the river from this shore

to 100 metres inland,

belongs to the state. And in case

you've forgotten,

I am the state around here.

You haven't heard the last of this.

- What's eating that old a**hole?

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