The Old Man Who Read Love Stories Page #3

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- You must understand his mentality.

He's a mountain peasant.

These people hold those sort

of thing sacred.

It's his wife. He brought her to the

jungle years ago and she died.

He's never forgiven himself.

He particularly likes Americans.

I guess you're asking me if I'll come

with you on the hunt.

You see?

Talking helps people

see eye to eye.

Enjoy the liver.

Gon-do-la...

Gon-do-la...

What a nice word!

It will make a great name

for my canoe.

The gondola of the Nanogolicia.

You...

- Doctor Dentist...

- Rubicondo Loachamin reporting

for his civic duty, sir.

- I didn't know you were a hunter.

- Yes, I've tangled

with some of the most dangerous

man-eating she-cats in the world.

So I figured you could use

my experience.

I do have some slight medical

knowledge, your Excellency.

Very well. Very well.

- Where are those free delicacies?

- They're not free.

They're paid for by the state.

Why is the state sending geriatrics

into the jungle now, huh?

Even though all these items are

issued to you personally,

they actually belong to the state.

They are

state property in your care,

and they must be signed for

upon issue

and accounted for upon your

return.

If we return.

You are unlikely to. Now is that

understood?

The plan of action

is as follows:

We will make our way to...

to Alkaseltzer's hut carefully,

and...

Hello, Antonio.

And...

And after that we'll er...

we'll see...

It's a good strategy,

your Excellency.

It's a very, very good strategy.

We go to Alkaseltzer's and then

after that we'll see.

That's very good.

I have not yet

formulated any plan. I, I...

I haven't planned for...

We must remain...

prepared for change...

Where the hell do you think

you're going?

I'm moving out.

You can't!

You don't have my permission.

I won't allow it!

Yes, I can.

I'm not a slave.

Where do you intend to go?

To his place.

His place.

Good luck with the hunt,

Excellency.

After her, the jaguar will

be easy.

Shut up, Doctor!

Otherwise you won't be going.

You're going to regret those

boots, Excellency.

They will make walking difficult.

Why don't you try like us?

- Why don't you shut up?

- Okay.

Hey, wake up, Old Man. You won't be

catching any cats sleepwalking.

Help me out of here, will you?

- Manuel, Onecen! Hold on!

- Don't go so fast,

you bastards!

What's keeping you?

Load your rifles.

- It's better to be prepared.

- Better keep our cartridges dry.

- I'm the one who gives orders here!

- What do you say, Old Man?

They're government-issue cartridges

so you do what the government says.

Help me!

Help me!

We told you they'd get

in your way.

Copy us. Walk on the dead branches.

It's easier.

Pull! Pull! Sh*t! My boot!

- Find my boot!

- Forget it. It's vanished.

Is no-one going to find my boot?

You bastards are just trying

to sabotage my expedition.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Why not? It's my boot!

Scorpions.

They bury themselves

till the rains are over

and they don't like

to be disturbed.

Do you think I'm going to swallow

that nonsense?

You're just trying to frighten me,

make fun of me.

No.

Because you're sweating

they are particularly

attracted to you.

Shut up!

Take them all out.

- Tell me what's wrong.

- Take them all out.

One by one. Line them up there

on the table.

Open your mouth.

You've got quite a few good

teeth left but

quite a few not so good.

Can you pay?

We've made a bet, Doctor,

my friends and I.

You'll take all my teeth out

and I won't make a single sound

while you do it.

You and I will share my winnings.

Once he starts pulling, you'll run

crying home to mummy.

You'd better go and have a few more

drinks. I don't like silly games.

Doctor,

if you don't let me win my bet,

I'll cut your head off

with my little friend here.

There are fifteen teeth.

One!

Two!

Three!

Four!

Five!

Six!

Seven!

Sorry. A tough one.

Eight!

I could never tell between a coward,

a fool and a brave man.

Nor could I, but

if they work for the government,

there isn't any difference.

Right! Let's go.

We can't carry on.

The men need to rest.

That makes sense...

for once.

You stay. I'm going to find

somewhere safe.

I'm the one who gives the orders

around here.

You look for some place safe,

then.

No, I didn't mean that.

You do it. Off you go.

Do you think she's out there,

prowling around?

I don't know,

but I'll know if she comes near.

It's a pity we can't have

a big fire.

- Better this way.

- It'd be much safer with the fire.

Animals don't like fire.

With this fire she can see us...

and we cannot see her.

Well, she'd better show

herself soon.

- I can't go on forever sitting here.

- Patience, Excellency, patience.

You cannot succeed at this

and go back a hero without

patience.

Once before,

I was hunting down a jaguar

for some settlers whose cattle

were being killed.

I tracked it and I tracked it

but it would not let me

come near.

And finally I had this idea

to lie down on the ground

in the open,

without moving a muscle,

finger on the trigger

and wait for it to make a move.

I waited like that for three days.

Three days.

Three days of aching joints,

and fighting sleep and pissing

in my pants.

Three days

waiting for that animal

to feel confident enough

to launch an attack.

So what happened?

I don't remember.

My brain started playing tricks

on me.

I think I fell asleep.

I was very lucky...

because that cat could

have killed me.

It was a great ruse,

to lie down on the ground,

in the open.

If you've got so much patience, you'd

better take the first watch.

I'd be happy to.

We should have a fire.

Even savages protect themselves

with fire.

...and you are chatty like

drunken parrots!

And you are as loud as

the devil himself.

And where you come from?

- What is it like?

- It's cold. It is very cold.

You wear long woollen

ponchos and hats.

That's why you stink. You sh*t

in your ponchos.

Do you hunt in your stinking

poncho?

Mountain people don't hunt.

- Then what do they do?

- They work in the fields,

from sunrise to sunset.

What fools!

A bad way to go, my friend.

- Switch that off!

- There's something out there!

- Put that thing away!

- What the hell do you think...?

Congratulations.

We had a fair go at that cat

just then,

but you can kiss her goodnight

now.

What was that?

What is this?

It's sh*t. Can't you smell it?

- I know it's sh*t! But what sort?

- Bat sh*t.

We camped under a tree of bats.

They fly off in one direction, you know

that something's coming

from the opposite direction. You,

for example. Or the jaguar.

You have trouble with the

government, huh?

- I won't have you speaking that way!

- Your Excellency.

If you hadn't granted that gringo an

illegal permit, we wouldn't be here.

I will tell you what to do from

now on.

That's why you brought me here.

Otherwise, you can clean up

your own mess.

What's it to be, Excellency?

Leave you here for the cats?

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