The Onion Movie

You can always count on

the Onion to get the story.

It's America's finest news source.

And now, the Onion News...

America's finest news source.

Featuring Dana Dobbs...

senior correspondent, Kip Kendall...

and award-winning anchor,

Norm Archer.

We begin today

with news from Detroit...

where automaking giant,

American Automotive...

announced a safety recall of all

The neck belts introduced last month

in an attempt to reduce head injuries...

have been found to cause

crushed tracheas...

severe spinal damage

and violent decapitation.

Daddy's home. Hi, Dad.

Today, the U.S. military announced

an innovative new plan to draw new recruits.

You sign up right now...

you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets...

and a set of mud flaps for your truck.

Then after six months of active duty...

you are eligible to receive...

an ounce of weed.

Sweet!

And in six more months,

a bunch more weed.

You're f***in' lying.

I get some more weed?

And if you serve a tour of duty

during a foreign conflict...

you will receive

upon your discharge... this.

- A hot b*tch poster.

- Damn it! Sign me up!

The Internet went down

for three hours this morning...

plunging the nation into productivity.

The outage, which caused major work

"startages" from New York to California...

prevented an estimated

from messing around

on the Web at work.

More Onion News after this.

In a world without justice...

where the strong

prey on the weak-

One man must face

the ultimate challenge-

Master, how did they defeat me?

They used an ancient technique.

It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength.

For this attack,

there is no defense.

Master, will you teach me?

- You are not yet ready, my son.

- I'm ready, master.

No, you are not.

You have much to learn.

You, young pupil...

shall become... a cockpuncher.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures-

Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.

Stop!

Cockpuncher.

I don't think you have the balls.

From Global Tetrahedron Pictures.

That looks awesome!

Sure does, kids.

A real whomp in the nut sack.

Honey, have you seen

my good black socks?

- Mommy, look.

- Honey?

If you see news happening,

call the Onion News hotline.

Honey, I cannot find my good black socks.

Hello? Onion News?

My baby!

We're here live with

a breaking news story.

Apparently, a local area man

has misplaced his black socks.

Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us

exactly what happened this morning?

Sure. Um, I got up.

It was a normal morning.

The kids are downstairs.

And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast.

And all of a sudden, I noticed

that my good black socks are missing.

Here's your boy, ma'am,

safe and sound.

Oh. Thanks, thanks.

Look, sweetie. Look!

- The Onion News van!

- Yeah.

In other news, a local

eight-year-old accidentally...

exercised his Second Amendment

rights yesterday...

when he blew off his head

with his father's semiautomatic rifle.

The fatal incident is being hailed

by gun rights activists...

as a victory for America

and the Constitution.

- Nobody move, unless you want

your head blown off!

- You!

- Please. Please don't shoot me.

I'll give you however much you want.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I want money?

You think that's what this is about?

A big, angry black man

comes walking in waving a gun...

and you assume

he's robbing the place?

I ain't looking for no goddamn handout.

I'm looking for a motherfucking job, b*tch!

- Excuse me?

- You heard me! A motherfucking job!

Don't you see? If you give me money,

that'll just help me in the short term.

But a job, that'll help me develop

valuable job skills and experience.

It's like teaching a man how to fish.

So quit stalling,

get your b*tch ass back there...

and give me a 40-hour week position...

with vacation pay and benefits...

you piece of sh*t motherf***er.

And don't make me ask twice.

Back that ass up.

Let's go. Let's go. I can help

the next motherfuckin' person in line.

You in that apricot sweater suit,

get your b*tch ass on over here now!

How can I help you today?

I'd like to deposit this check,

please, into my savings account,

and then I need to withdraw-

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just shut the f*** up for a minute.

What the f*** you doin', Liz Anne?

You callin' the cops?

- No.

- If that's the goddamned cops-

No, no, I swear. I was just on

with an account holder. I was advising him-

I'm gonna kill you, b*tch!

Who the f***'s this?

You a cop? Mm-hmm.

Well, what I recommend is that

you keep at least 500 in your checking...

to just avoid

the minimum balance fee...

and put the rest in our money market which

will earn you an additional 2% interest.

Right. You have a nice day, sir.

My pleasure. Uh-

Liz Anne, uh, sorry.

My bad.

That's okay.

Honest mistake.

Armed gunman,

I've been watching you...

and I must say, I'm impressed.

How'd you like to be

our new customer services supervisor?

Mr. P., it'd be

my motherfuckin' honor.

Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you

an annuity for 12 years on that one.

I'll get you 8% on that one.

Everybody down now!

Get the f*** down, everybody!

Give me all the money!

Hurry up! Hurry the f*** up!

What you doing?

You playing back there?

Load the bag up with money,

and nobody else f***ing move.

You hurry up!

Hurry the f*** up!

Load the bag up!

Load the bag-

You sicken me.

Asking for a handout...

instead of raising yourself up

out of your situation through hard work.

Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?

According to statistics,

And the surgeon general is taking steps

to address the problem.

- As a result of the rampant

spread of obesity in the U. S...

the government has been forced

to raise the definition of obesity...

from 55% body fat to 90%.

The move, which reduces

the number of obese Americans...

from 200 million to 185 million...

was widely applauded

from coast to coast.

It's high time the government stepped in

and did something about this problem.

I don't wanna be obese.

Man, that sh*t is all f***ed up.

In other news,

Georgia officials announced...

plans to add a swastika and middle finger

to the Georgia state flag.

Joe's Diner,

an unusual Atlanta area eatery...

was not based around any sports,

music, or movie-based theme-

- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?

- Not yet.

- He's not gonna be happy.

- But he's got no choice.

Whatever the new parent

company says... goes.

Melissa Cherry is America's

biggest pop sensation...

selling millions of records

to her legions of teenage fans.

But is this young singer

sending the wrong message?

Kip Kendall reports.

Her new album, Come With Me...

has gone quadruple platinum

and made her a household name.

# Baby, when we kiss

my heart just skips a beat #

#And when you hold my hand

Oh, I can hardly speak #

# Oh, yeah

I'm down on my knees #

But some concerned parents

think Melissa Cherry's...

image and music are too sexy...

setting an inappropriate

example for their children.

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